Review: Crescendo from Mystery Vibe

Note: I did receive the Crescendo for free, though not in exchange for this review. I’ll be blunt and honest as always.

Today, we’re talking about the Crescendo from Mystery Vibe.

The press around this toy has been impressive, being featured in a number of print and digital magazines or sites. Crescendo was even honored as one of The 10 Best Sex Toys Released in 2016 by Glamour. My big question to answer here is:

How accessible is the Crescendo to us chronically badass and disabled peeps?

First, some background & details:

Crescendo is innovative from an idea perspective. The toy arrives straight (like a space bar) but can be positioned in a number of ways. It is waterproof. There is also an app that you can utilize to control Crescendo’s vibrations.

Because the outer skin of the toy is silicone, it’s important to remember not to utilize oil or silicone-based lubes with it because that’s how damage happens. Water-based is the way to go here.

After opening Crescendo up, I was instantly struck by how snazzy the whole package was. Included with the toy: a wireless charger and a cute little satin carrying pouch. It added to the luxuriousness of the whole thing.

The first time I tried this, I was in a hotel out in Portland. Setting the mood a little bit with some sexy music from Hamilton and a few hot visualizations, I felt pretty in the mood. I decided to forgo using the app the first go-round because I wanted to see how accessible the toy was on its own.

It didn’t really impress me.

It is really difficult to change between modes/speeds while using the toy with hand dexterity issues. The mode-changing buttons were in really awkward spaces, especially if you’re handling Crescendo a lot during use.

Bending the Crescendo was a little iffy, too. I was concerned about breaking it! I didn’t need to be, but still – it hampered the mood a little bit in addition to not being super easy for my cripple hands.

There are some powerful motors in this thing. I attempted to try this out during a fibromyalgia flare. One of the symptoms I get hit with a lot is where sensations that don’t usually hurt actually do (allodynia). That normally doesn’t affect my masturbation habits or toy use, but it did here. The motors of the Crescendo are so powerful that it was uncomfortable. Combine that with how difficult it is to change modes and intensity on the Crescendo itself and there is no way I would be able to use this during a fibro flare.

When I did use the app, I had mixed feelings. It updated my Crescendo which was cool. As a part of that, I was able to access a bunch of new vibrations – ones that I honestly liked better than the heavy hitters preloaded onto the device. It was easier to switch between these and control a bit of the intensity.

wild cats setting on the mystery vibe app

However, the app would keep resetting if my phone screen went dark. This led to it having to sync with Crescendo, which meant turning it off and back on again if I wanted to change modes. Either that, or I was constantly trying to keep my phone ‘awake’ to keep everything in sync. Since I really like variety, this was a turn-off… such a turn-off that I didn’t even cum honestly.

And I usually cum pretty easily.

I thought part of the draw of this would be to have a more hands-free orgasm, but that just wasn’t possible. While the bending component was neat, Crescendo wasn’t able to bend in enough of a way to be completely comfortable and hands-free. Unless I held down this part on my clit, she didn’t get any stimulation at all.

I could see this device being fun for play with partner(s). The idea of someone controlling what my potential sexual pleasure feels like is a major turn-on. It would be incredible for teasing, just not for orgasms.

Final verdict? For now, inaccessible and not worth the money.

Between the operating difficulties, problems with the app, and the $200 price tag… this really isn’t an accessible device. It makes me sad because I feel like there is a lot of potential in this idea. That said, I know Mystery Vibe has done a few iterations of this device so far. My hope is that they can make this a little more accessible by:

  • adjusting the bending technique
  • tweaking the intensity/mode controls on the device
  • improving the app

Ideally, the price would go down, too – but, with these improvements, I might be able to to have a mind-blowing orgasm… in which case, price becomes slightly less important to me. Still, I generally would never spend this much on a sex toy because 1) I’m self-employed, 2) I’m disabled and have a ton of medical bills, and, 3) that’s a lot of money I could spend on other things.

In the future, it’s possible that this will become more accessible and actually give me an orgasm. For now, though, it’s a hard pass.

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