Self-Care for Rough Days

TW sexual violence, dissociation, trauma

B&W photo of a person sitting on a hill from behind looking over a city; blue text: "Self-Care for Rough Days" - white text: "Chronic Sex" - there is a blue line on the right side of the graphic

The current news cycle is taking a toll on a lot of us.

It’s hard to exist in our world right now. Everything in the news is triggering, and the people who don’t use trigger warnings or content notes are the bane of my existence. It feels people have little empathy for survivors, regardless of their own survivorship. When we feel like we constantly have to be ‘on’ to not miss action items, it doesn’t help.

Unfortunately, that’s what the past two years have been.

It is not sustainable to exist in today’s world without taking time for self-care. Self-care isn’t getting your nails done or going to the gym. It can be those things as self-care is different for everyone. At its core, though, self-care is about making sure that you are taking steps to love and protect yourself as you move throughout this world.

And we need that right now more than ever.

Continue reading “Self-Care for Rough Days”

pic with blue bar at the top and white text: "It's Internet Self-Care Day! #ISCD17" - pic below is of a blanket, black glasses, two candles, and a book in a hammock - white text at bottom left "Chronic Sex"

It’s Internet Self-Care Day! #ISCD17

Our friends over at Aloe/Femsplain have declared today to be Internet Self-Care Day!

What does that mean?

It means we take “the spirit of self-care online, centralizing self-care and helping communities thrive in support of one another.”

Make sure to take a look at their schedule of events – especially their live chat!

Our favorite self-care pieces

The absolute most important piece, though? Self-Care Tips for Radical Social Media Users

7 Ways to Feel Sexy Again

Not every one of these tips will work to help everyone feel sexy. That said, these are some of my favorite ways to start feeling sexy again.

Get in touch with yourself.

Getting in touch with yourself can mean different things to different people.

A bed with pillows sits in a soothing room; there is a hardwood floor with a rug at the end of the bed; light is coming through the sheer white curtains

One important thing for all of us to do is to figure out what sensations we enjoy. This can mean sexually – what touches or smells or sounds turn you on or help get you closer to orgasm? What are some of those things you don’t enjoy? What things would you put on your Yes/No/Maybe sexy times list?

This can also be non-sexually. What is your sense of style like? How about your communication style? Who do you find attractive?

All of these things, sexually or non-sexually, are going to help us build a foundation of self-love for the following steps.

Wear what makes you feel sexy – but is comfortable, too.

This is a common tip for discovering how sexy we are and loving our bodies. The one thing I’ve added here is the comfort factor. I used to love wearing high heels. Now, I just can’t get away with it for more than a day or two a month. When I do go for heels, I make sure to wear a pair that’s supportive and comfortable so I’m able to wear them as safely and as pain-free as possible. That should go for lingerie or anything else – unless, of course, a little bit of pain is sexy to you.

I love lingerie but just can’t wear it often. Many kinds of lingerie are tight, can exacerbate the prevalence of UTIs, and can be itchy. Now, though, I wear a lot of superhero underwear and lace bralettes (from Torrid!). The combination helps satisfy my gender identity (genderqueer) in addition to being comfortable and sexy in a very nerdy way.

a photo of me laying down on my stomach; you only see me from the waist down, with sexy lacy underoos on my bum; the picture is B&W with purple text overlay that says "love your body"

Lingerie or cute underwear can be a really fun way to surprise someone if you’re focused on looking sexy for them. You should always focus on comfort, though, and how you want to feel.

If not wearing something makes you feel desirable, naughty, or attractive, that’s a way to go, too. If you’re able to, sometimes going ‘commando’ or sans underwear can put a pep in your step. Just like with wearing fancy underoos, it’s like a special secret only you know.

Play up your features and show off.

Once you feel sexy and know what styles you like best, show it off! Take some selfies or, if you’re able, do a photo shoot with a pal or other photographer. Hell, you could do a boudoir shoot. I have one planned for mid-July and I’m very excited, despite being at my highest weight, because I know I’m goddamned cute.

A white girl (me!) with a teal shirt; subtle makeup save for red lips and eyeliner

The photo above is of me in 2013 when I was working on finding out what I wanted to look like the next year for my wedding. We ending up going slightly less retro than the above looks, but this was a way I showed off my eyes (with dark eyeliner) and my lips (with bright red lipstick). Now, though, I would aim much more for a faux hawk and neon pink lip gloss.

Styles evolve, and that’s part of why we need to take the time to get in touch with ourselves every so often.

Role play.

Pretend you’re one of your favorite people. If you think Beyonce or Ruby Rose or Vin Diesel are attractive, what would it be like to pretend to be them for a day? Would you carry yourself differently? Dress differently? Value your time and energy more?

Maggie Gyllenhaal playing Lee Holloway; B&W photo; Maggie is in a white shirt with black polka dots and is leaning over a desk with a surprised look on her face

Another way to go about this could be to fantasize about being characters you like. Do you think Lee Holloway from Secretary is hot? What about Magic Mike? How would these people act? What would they wear? How would they see themselves?

Sometimes using characters from movies or even real life people can make us feel even more unsexy if we can’t meet expectations like how they dress or move. If that’s the case, consider using someone from history or a book who might have less of a specific way of dressing up.

Get down, get down!

Dancing can be a wonderful way to feel sexy.

First of all, music is incredibly influential on our emotions. If you play “For Good” from Wicked, for example, I think nearly every person cries. Play “I Wanna Sex You Up” and crying may be the last thing on your mind.

There are many ways to dance. Doing it in a way that’s most comfortable and accessible to you is important. That said, if you’re able to do a striptease – even by yourself – it can heavily influence how you see yourself. I’m bad at buttons so I’m bad at stripteases… but I’m pretty good with moving my butt in some sexy ways.

Stick to whatever is most comfortable and accessible for you.

Speak your truth and set boundaries.

One of the most attractive things about people can how independent they are – especially if we aren’t necessarily able to be as self-sufficient. One way we can work on independence, though, is to speak our truths and set better boundaries for ourselves.

Speaking your truth can mean a lot of things. For me, it’s not holding back when someone close to me says something offensive. I correct them, even if the offensive thing isn’t directed at me or even impacts me directly (i.e., racist comments, etc.). It also includes speaking up against ableism and abuse in general, but especially that I’ve lived through. Not everyone appreciates that I share these things, but the people who matter do.

As far as setting up boundaries, there are a lot of things we can do. Again, only do these things if you are able to and comfortable with them.

A femme (from shoulders up) lies down with a blue towel rolled up under her head and cucumbers on her eyes

Set up times during the day when you don’t answer phone calls, respond to texts and emails, or use social media. In other words, set aside time for you – whether you use that as a time to be productive or to relax and rest.

Pull back from people who take without giving or who treat you poorly. Don’t let societal expectations keep you attached to bigoted or abusive family. When I cut my abusive mother out of my life, I began to feel incredibly independent, worth more, and became more confident.

Make time for you to do things that matter to you, whether that’s making art or being more physically active.

See yourself as you are.

When we’re dealing with chronic illness, pain, disability, and more, it’s easy to see ourselves as a collection of our ICD-10 codes or symptoms. We may see the weight we’ve gained on steroids or other medications, our assistive devices, and the patches we need to get through the day.

Do you see you in all of that?

An African American woman from the shoulders up; she is posing for a photo shoot; she has blonde hair in tight ringlets and is wearing jewelery

It can be really hard to remember who we are under everything we have to do to stay alive.

One fun way to remember you in the midst of pain is to have a photo shoot! You could just take a bunch of selfies, have a pal take a few pics, or even schedule with professional photographers. Hell, do a boudoir shoot if you feel like it! (Note: I totally have a regular photo shoot and a boudoir shoot coming up within the next month. I’m super excited about both!)

Another fun thing is to do something you love with close friends. Sometimes it can be something as simple as going to lunch with an old pal, getting a pedicure, or singing songs at the top of your lungs. Whatever reminds you how your life isn’t just about pain, illness, and disability is a good thing.

It’s your turn! What are some things you do to feel sexy? Tell us in the comments!

Delightful Cycle

I’ve known Alex since high school. Oddly enough, she’s one of those friends that I feel closer to now from 2,000 miles away than I did when we saw each other every single day. A lot of that has to do with the shared experience of rough health stuff. One of the best things about shitty health (maybe the only thing?) is how it inspires a lot of us to do what we do – especially Alex. She and her sister Jenny recently launched Delightful Cycle and I knew it was something I wanted Alex to be able to share that with you here.

Delightful Cycle – The Beginning.

When Kirsten reached out to me, as a wonderfully supportive, excited friend, I didn’t exactly know how to put everything into words, particularly a sincere gratitude to our warrior advocate. Undoubtedly, you know what I’m talking about. This girl is an inspiration, traveling across the country, speaking up for those whose voices fall on deaf ears, blogging her way to fame. She has earmarked a rather intimidating section of the internet; combatting trolls, ableists, and general sexists to make sure that we have a voice… Not to mention the daily betrayals of her own body, which she naturally takes into stride.

I’m going to be frank; we started this Delightful Cycle for her. For you.

When we founded the company, my sister and I both suffered from chronic conditions. Myself, I was diagnosed 5 years ago with Trigeminal Neuralgia. My sister has Crohn’s Disease. We know what it means to count your spoons. We also know that life unforgivingly doesn’t stop, even when your spoons are gone. I can’t always make the trip to the grocery store. I can’t always get my bath drawn. Jennifer knows that if she wants any sense of normalcy, she has to stay away from her triggers.

But, Aunt Flo does not give a shit about that. She comes anyway. During her weekly stay, I struggle to find the spoons necessary to keep my head on straight. I can’t tell you how many times I have had her arrive and found myself not only surprised completely by her arrival but with only maybe 2 tampons from last month’s stock. Not good.

When Jenny and I were in research stages, we met with women from all over to hear about their experiences. We were not alone. You are not alone. The responsibilities that we shoulder can be tremendously stressful, exhausting, and they deplete our resources.

Our mission is to be that reminder to practice self-care. We want you to take all the time in the world in your bubble bath, and enjoy some moisturizing bath bombs. Delightful Cycle is a discrete delivery service, customizing each and every kit we send to our clients to include their favorite brands of feminine products, their favorite snack items, and some luxury goodies. We offer free shipping with every kit we send within the US and Canada.

We offer three different kits because let’s face it: no period is the same, amirite?

  • A Lady’s Lite Kit Here’s the quickest, and simplest option for our ladies: A Lady’s Lite Kit. Let us know what brand of tampon or pad is your favorite, and we will make sure you never have to make that run to the store again. Every month will include more than enough feminine care, 3 surprise items, and a snack to satisfy those cravings.
  • Go With the Flow Kit – this kit includes everything you might possibly need for when Aunt Flo comes knocking. We want to have you ready with all the supplies to make her stay as luxurious and comfortable as possible. More than just a tampon/chocolate subscription, every month will feature a few luxury items that will pamper you, as we aim to be a gentle reminder to practice some much-needed self-care. Try it today, and you’ll receive an email shortly, so we can build the perfect box for you. Your box will have your favorite brands, favorite snacks, and a few surprise goodies each month. $40 retail value, you only pay $19.95, with free shipping!
  • Pamper Me OrganicallyOur all natural and organic supplies aren’t just appeasing to Mother Nature, but also to anyone with sensitive skin. Chlorine-free organic tampons, vegan makeup, delicious organic tasty delights. Let us pamper you with all natural, completely organic luxury goods. We want to make you feel loved during that time of the month. Every month we will feature different amazing products to help you feel better than normal, all packed up in our recycled packing material and boxes.

And guess what? Use code 20OFF and you’ll save 20% on your order!

Make sure to visit Delightful Cycle and their awesome social media pages – Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube – for more information. You can support Delightful Cycle in their new Indiegogo campaign!

 

5 reasons to fall head-over-heels in love with yourself

I’m not a fan of that whole idea that you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else. It wasn’t until I met my partner that I really started to figure out a lot about myself and the life I had been living.

Still, there is no denying that self-love can and should be a goal for us. It might look different for me than it does for you or someone else. It can cause a powerful change in how we treat and advocate for ourselves.

You’ll be a little better off from a mental health standpoint.

Many of our internal doubts and worries come from how we feel about ourselves. Learning to love yourself may not eliminate other mental health issues, but it is possible that it can help how we react to episodes of depression and other issues.

If you’re spending more time building yourself up than you are tearing yourself down, you’re likely going to feel a little better about yourself. You’re going to feel a little more confident. This can lead to being less easily influenced by negative emotions that are easy to get caught up in.

You’ll be more motivated.

Motivation is needed for a whole host of things, but it isn’t always easy to find. When we’re in pain and dealing with illness fun, motivation for a lot of things is definitely at the bottom of the pile.

It doesn’t have to be, though.

We often get motivated when we’re trying to advance our personal health with health care providers and the like. Some of us (read: me) are much better at being motivated under pressure or deadlines… which isn’t healthy necessarily.

If you’re more in-tune with yourself and what you need, you may be more motivated to practice self-care or read a book or do things that nourish your soul.

You’ll make healthier decisions.

When we love ourselves more fully, we take better care of ourselves. Sometimes, that can be just because of how we are feeling or because we fight more for ourselves. After all, our self-worth is tied heavily into how we treat ourselves – and vice versa.

Just like with motivation, we might feel a little more inspired to take a night off from our routine and sleep extra. We might be better at eating and drinking more regularly.

You’ll develop better empathy and compassion skills.

When you treat yourself with a little more respect, that tends to carry over into how you treat others.

Really, you can’t have one without the other.

In order to love yourself to the fullest, you have to be willing to consider why things may have happened or why choices were made. That understanding, combined with forgiveness, is really what empathy and compassion are all about.

Once you can better understand and forgive yourself, it’s incredibly easy to understand motives behind others’ actions at the very least.

You’ll begin to accept and value yourself.

Acceptance isn’t an easy street to go down. It means that we have to face and accept everything – the good and the bad – about ourselves.

It is also one of the most freeing things. That acceptance can help alleviate stress and remove any burdens that we might carry.

It leads us to better decisions, sticking to our boundaries, and caring for oureslves more fully.

Have you worked on self-love? What has it helped you with?

Lubrication and Illness Fun It Can Help With

 

Please keep in mind that much of the research done regarding lubrication and sex or sexuality has been done in vagina-havers only. As a result, this post may be somewhat more gendered than we generally try to put up.

Lubrication is one of those magical things that can help solve or treat a multitude of things WHILE making sexual activities extra awesome. Let’s explore a little more in-depth some of the sexual issues that additional lubrication can help with.

One of the things that many of us experience is discomfort during sexual activity. There are many forms and severities of discomfort that can be caused by many different illnesses and even some medications. Not all of them get better with more lube, but many can. If you are on medications that may affect your sex drive or libido (such as SSRI antidepressants and some non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs or NSAIDs), adding in more lubrication – though foreplay or with a product – can completely change your sex life.

Sex when there is inflammation involved can also be helped by additional lubrication. If you have been through menopause, it’s incredibly common to deal with vaginal dryness. Sjögren’s syndrome can be a very common cause for those living with a rheumatic disease as well. Things like widespread chronic pain can even cause issues with lubrication itself due to the way it distracts us from pleasurable sensations.

Lube can also be incredibly helpful for people who may have mobility issues. To use an analogy, it’s easier to land a plane when the lights on the runway are on, no matter which direction you’re coming from.

plane landing on a runway with lights on at dusk

Okay, so on to the fun part about lube!

People who menstruate often remark on how awesome sex during menstruation can be. The biggest reason for this? All the extra lubrication! (Well, to be technical, the increased sensation leading to increased blood flow helps, too.)

Like I like to say, the more slippy the slide, the better the ride!

The beautiful thing about lubrication is that there are as many options out there as one can find. I personally suggest water-based lubricants, but you’ll have to wait until the next few posts following up this one to figure out which ones chronically amazing people like myself enjoy!

Note that there are certain medical conditions that present themselves in ways that affect our sex lives such as heart disease and stroke. Joan Price shared a story a few months ago in Milwaukee of a woman who lost her sex drive and then lost her partner only to have a medical emergency that could have been found early had her physician listened when she brought up rapidly decreased arousal. Please make sure to check in with your physician(s) about symptoms you may be having.

Ten Chronically Amazing People to Look Up to When You’re Having a Rough Day

When we’re dealing with chronic illnesses and disabilities, we face days where our pain is high and our ability to cope is low. We have different ways to deal with life when this happens, but one of the best ways to do so is to connect with some other amazingly chronically ill people.

Here are some of my favorites in no specific order:

1. Mariah
Mariah is one of my favorite people ever. She is an amazing advocate working tirelessly to educate, raise awareness, and help mothers (and those trying to conceive or thinking about it) with chronic illnesses.

She writes at RheumatoidArthritis.Net and works with Joint Decisions in addition to helping out here at Chronic Sex.

2. Kenzie
What can I say about Kenzie?

She works so hard to thrive despite multiple illnesses. She is raw and vulnerable in a way that very few can be. She has the cutest sense of style, a passion for mental health, and the most giving and loving heart I have ever seen. She’s also pretty much the bestest friend ever.

She works with Joint Decisions as well.

3. Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy
Through RA Guy’s writing on his site, Creaky Joints, Joint Decisions, and his foundation, he both raises awareness and gives hope to others living with types of arthritis. He brings in a much-needed male voice to the patient advocacy community.

One of the reasons RA Guy is so admirable, though, is that he knows when to step back and do more self-care stuff. It’s amazing how someone can do so much and still be so focused on their own needs.

4. Leslie
Leslie works hard at her day job helping patients in the healthcare community and does it after-hours, too! She was one of the first bloggers with RA that I found. At the time, she was an amazing inspiration to me as she was in graduate school while dealing with her health issues – and I was incredibly concerned about even finishing college.

She writes for RheumatoidArthritis.Net, Health Central, Creaky Joints, and works with Joint Decisions.

5. Britt
While Britt (Hurt Blogger) has been a patient advocate and activist for years, she recently began working for the Arthritis National Research Foundation.

She also writes for Creaky Joints, Health Central, and works with Joint Decisions.

6. Abby
Abby is an amazing writer and health activist. She started a movement called Ask Me About My Uterus in order to raise awareness and openly discuss reproductive health, fertility, and more. It took forever for her endometriosis to be diagnosed. As a result, she has been incredibly frank and open about talking about these issues.She’s basically who I want to be when I grow up.You can find Abby on Medium, Romper, and on Facebook.

7. Jessica
Jessica works tirelessly to raise awareness of both physical and mental health issues. One of my favorite things about her is that Jessica focuses also on how to look good while ill, something that can definitely help to boost our self-worth. She’s also a great proponent of self-care.

You can find her at her site and Huffington Post.

8. Kristin

Kristin is not only a social media expert but an amazing health activist. She focuses heavily on patient engagement/experience and how to incorporate digital technologies in ways that improve the former.

She’s also basically my twin.

You can find her at her site and Tumblr.

9. Natalie
Natalie lives with a rare neurological disorder called Moebius Syndrome as well as additional illnesses. She writes about life, her amazingly adorable service dog Cassius, calling out ableism, and loving Hamilton.

Make sure to check out her site and her Facebook page.

10. Dawn
Dawn is the creator of the one-and-only Spoonie Chat. She’s also an amazing activist who focuses not only on chronic illness and disability rights but also on racism, socioeconomic disparities, and political issues.

Make sure to check out Spoonie Chat’s Facebook, Dawn’s Twitter, and Tumblr.

Who are some of your favorite chronically amazing peeps?

Movies That Make Us Feel Good

Many things in our lives can have an effect on or influence how we regard ourselves – our relationships, societal expectations, and the media we consume.

Today, let’s explore some of our favorite feel-good movies.

Tasha says something about singing as a super villain is empowering.

Netty wants her own Baymax to take care of her, and I do, too!

 

Erik says it’s the perfect distraction from worries.

 

Kit says this is because of its innocent hopefulness.

Shaunia says this is due to how hilarious it is.

 

Chelsea says that she loves how the movie acknowledges that everyone has particular quirks, and that love and friendship are all about finding the people who fit your quirks. She also loves how the good deeds evolved.

 

Julie suggested this and I totally agree!

 

What are some of your favorite feel-good movies?

 

 

Chat Questions 7-7-2016

With everything going on this week, we’re focusing on self-care tonight.

Q1: Please introduce yourself in a way you’re comfortable sharing.

Q2: How is your week going?

It’s been a hard few days for many of us. Let’s talk self-care tonight.

Q3: Have you done anything this week to practice self-care? What was it?

Q4: What would your advice be to another spoonie who is having a hard time with self-care?

Q5: Name one self-care thing you will do this weekend.

Q6: If you were given the chance to create your perfect world, what would be your first step?

Chat Questions for June 16, 2016

This week we are focusing on self-love and self-care:

Q1: Please introduce yourself in a way you’re comfortable sharing.

Q2: How are you doing with taking care of yourself? What about loving yourself?

Q3: What are some roadblocks you’re hitting in practicing self-love and self-care?

Q4: What are some of your favorite ways to take care of yourself?

Q5: What advice would you give to a friend or loved one on self-care and self-love?

Q6: Fun question time! What is your favorite song to dance to right now?