I went to a munch a few weeks ago. There were a few things that bothered me. One thing I overheard still pops into my head from time to time:
“That doesn’t look very genderfluid to me.”
The fuck?
A group of a few people, including one of the munch runners, were huddled around a phone. While there was a lot of chatter, this one comment rose above the rest of the noise.
As the newbie, I already felt insecure. I dressed up a little bit which, for me, means also looking more femme. That’s what fits my body best right now. I don’t know who this comment was about. I know my Fetlife says I’m genderfluid, and I had RSVP’d on there.
Hearing this comment aimed at my physical direction hurt.
Every single time I fear I’m invalidating my gender by dressing a certain way, I hear their voice in my head. My gender dysphoria loves these kinds of comments. It latches onto them to invalidate every feel about myself that I have.
Let’s get this straight – while I don’t know if this was a comment about me, it’s still inappropriate. You don’t invalidate someone’s gender based on their gender expression. You don’t invalidate their gender, period.
Gender isn’t for you to judge
Genderfluid means different things to different people. For me, it’s about not being pinned down. I can be femme one day, masc another, and something completely different that third day. I’m neither a woman or a man – I’m just me. It’s about having control over how we’re perceived and how we display ourselves in a way that’s outside the binary.
Being more femme in certain instances or spaces doesn’t make me less genderfluid than someone else who uses that label. Our community is so used to getting shit on from the outside – why are we doing it to each other?
On top of that, the person I went to the munch to meet? He ignored me for a while. Then, he was very interested in being incredibly touchy without checking in about boundaries. After that, he freaked out at me for not messaging him by the next morning. Considering everything we have to fear from cis dudes, it’s completely turned me off of spending time with people I don’t really know.
It’s scary. This is why so many of us ghost people. If I stand up for myself here, I run the risk of being harmed.
Being a sex educator in these spaces is funky
It’s interesting moving through these spaces as a sex educator. I notice each boundary violation, each time someone looks uncomfortable, and each time someone is an asshole. I feel the sliminess in-person before I even get shitty messages afterward… messages that make me uncomfortable around cis dudes.
I’ll be honest – I’m grateful that I usually can’t make this munch. Between this dude being creepy touchy with me and these kinds of comments, it makes me wonder if I can even find a comfortable space locally. Can I find a queer, sex-positive, boundary-affirming space that isn’t full of toxic masculinity and ableism?
I feel so much more comfortable among my fellow sex educators.
It’s part of why I haven’t done much more locally. I’m so looking forward to Poly Dallas in July and being around my people. I know I’ll be seen as myself and won’t have to deal with so much judgment.