Category: Kink & BDSM

What BDSM Can Teach The Chronic Illness Community

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

beige block on left side of square and right side has a photo of a feminine person with a black mask over their eyes and they are sticking their left pointer finger in their mouth, showing off their tongue and simple band on ring finger; on left, beige text in various black text boxes: "What BDSM Can Teach The Chronic Illness Community"; black text at middle "chronic sex"

BDSM (Bondage/Discipline and Dominance/Submission and Sadism/Masochism) winds up being very misunderstood.

People who don’t quite understand the whole scene think all sorts of things about those who are into it – it involves abuse, etc. Even health care professionals don’t get it, except some really great ones.

One of the things that many don’t know is how central consent is to the scene.

A LOT of conversation happens around these issues. People discuss sensations, actions, inactions, words, and more. Aftercare, which I’ll touch on later, is also discussed. These negotiations can take a few hours or a few minutes, depending on familiarity with each other, the scene, and other factors. It’s almost always longer when people first start playing together, though.

Checklists to go over what might be on your yes/no/maybe list are plenty and you can check out an example here.

Code words

Code words or safe words are something people usually know about BDSM. A safe word is a way to stop a scene/playtime. This can have varying stages, which is why I’ve written code words here.

You have words that can completely stop and mean we move right to aftercare. You may have words that ask for things to stop and for a check-in. You might also have words that signal you’re having a damn good time. It all depends on the negotiation process and those involved.

I use code words/phrases all the time. In fact, a lot of us do but don’t always call them that. We may say we are out of some unit of energy or running low on battery. When I was able to hike, the hubs and I came up with a term that would signal I needed to turn back. Since we’re history nerds, we used ‘bingo fuel’ which was the point where pilots only had enough fuel to get back to base and needed to turn around.

Even something as simple as saying “It needs to be a pizza night because I can’t cook right now” can be a code phrase.

Aftercare

BDSM can be very emotional, not unlike how some of the chronic illness/disability sexual experiences. Aftercare is a must.

It looks different for everyone but can include treating potential wounds, tea, snuggling, a check-in call the next day, and more.

Interested in learning more?

If you would like to explore what kinks may be right for you, you can take this test or check out the checklist I mentioned above. Before you get into the scene, you may want to check in with education-based sex shops in your area to see if they know of any events or classes. You can create an account on Fetlife to see what might be happening in your area as well.

I highly suggest reading more about BDSM before you get involved, though. It can be really great. Additionally, you may want to visit Lady Sophia, a dominatrix and sex educator in Chicago, who offers classes on various aspects of BDSM.

{pink background with flowers and hamburgers; white text: it's cool if it's not your thing, just don't yuck someone else's yum :) }

Stop Kink-Shaming DT and Focus on Real Problems

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

In case you missed it, a recent news story broke involved DT hiring hookers for golden showers on a bed where the Obamas stayed in Russia. Cue kink-shaming and pee jokes galore. I’m rolling my eyes so hard that I’m worried about their health frankly.

I am beyond tired of the kink-shaming pee jokes friends. Knock it off. Some people like pee. Some like ropes or being dominated or babied. You don’t need to mock BDSM to hurt DT. You just don’t. As a sexuality educator, I won’t stand for it. Just because a kink instead your cup of tea doesn’t mean you get to shame.

Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.

What y’all need to be focused on is the racist issue behind this – on the bed where the Obamas slept.

But while y’all are distracted with making pee jokes and kink-shaming, DT is doing shit that will kill people. But, sure, let’s focus on golden showers instead of actions against POC, PWD, LGBT+, etc, or having literal Nazis supporting him and in his cabinet or calling out how the ACA repeal will kill millions of us or focusing on his Russian ties and the fact that we are all fucked.

We need more people who choose to do something productive with their social media presence right now. You can do that. We need people to use their power, privilege, following for good in this fight again fascism. Kink-shaming and sex-worker-shaming ain’t it. We need people to speak out about what doesn’t get the most attention – not DT’s tweets but policies, people, foreign involvement, etc.

When DT tweets, he does it in a specific way to make y’all get uppity about that instead of focusing on the real dangers. His latest question about Nazi Germany for example? Meant to throw you off of Russian involvement, Sessions’ confirmation hearing, and more. Stop taking the bait and start thinking for yourselves. Start reading those documents & reports and sharing your outrage. Read between the lines.

Be a leader.
Share real stories.

Shame people not for kinks or sex work but for Nazi beliefs and affiliations, making it dangerous for sex workers and others to live safe lives, how people are being silenced and attacked viciously by DT and his supporters, treason, effectively plotting the deaths of the disabled and LGBT+ and people of color – you have a lot to choose from here.

Get your priorities straight.

This country needs every voice to speak out on these things. We are ‘Stronger Together’ and we can stop some of this. We just have to grow up a bit here and stop focusing on the wrong things.