Guest Post: Sex is an Important Part of a Healthy Relationship, Right?

Posted on by Guest

TW: childhood sexual abuse (mention), and pregnancy/parenthood/babies.

When I began my sexuality studies as an excited young pup I remember reading, “sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.” Yes! Validation that it is not only worth prioritizing sex in a relationship, but necessary to its success. I took this little sentence and threw it around, loud and proud, to everyone who would listen (and even those who would rather I shut up– such as people who identify as asexual, for example).

Then life happened.

I began struggling with chronic digestive pain. Then endometriosis. Then repeated kidney stones! I started therapy for childhood sexual abuse. Sex as a psychologically and physiologically painful activity became my reality. My lower abdominal world can be a delicate, tired, sore place. Here’s what it taught me:

Even if you’re not asexual, sex does not need to be an important part of a healthy relationship.

Surprise.

I do have sex, it’s not totally out of my life and I have prioritized healing my sexuality and making it my life’s work. As an aspect of my relationship, it has fallen from priority number one to a delightful extra if the stars align. So, when I was asked in an interview, “isn’t sex an important part of a healthy relationship,” I realized that statement was misleading.

Sex can be an important part of a healthy relationship. But that’s not up to me to decide as a sexual health expert. That’s not up to your doctor, therapist, or sex ed teacher. That’s for you to decide. Yes, relationship satisfaction tends to move with sexual satisfaction in a relationship, but I think we may have misunderstood this little statistical finding, or worse, we have inappropriate statistical tools for measuring satisfaction that doesn’t capture what it means for all sexual people or asexual people. Tools aside, I can tell you that my sexual and relationship satisfaction is high even though I don’t prioritize sex in my relationship. Why?

I asked my partner once, “if I decided I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex anymore for any reason, would you leave me?”

His response: “No! Why would I?”

Because sex is an important part of a healthy relationship!

His response, “But I get so many things out of our relationship. Sex is nice and I like having sex with you, but that’s not the only thing I get out of our relationship and it’s not the deciding factor of being with you.”

I specialize in sex in pregnancy and postpartum as a doula, aromatherapist, and coach. What my partner said reminded me of a study I’d been looking at: guess which couples fared well during the sexual struggles of the postpartum period? Couples whose priorities aligned. Couples that were both okay with sex being off the table for a little while. Or couples who both decided on sacrificing co-sleeping with their baby to have alone time in their bed. What mattered was that couples were on the same page, the page itself was otherwise irrelevant.

My satisfaction is high because my partner and I are on the same page. That means, we’re both happy with our relationship and when we do have sex, it’s damn good sex.

There is nothing wrong with prioritizing sex in your relationship and this will work best if your partners also prioritize sex in the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not prioritizing sex in your relationship and this will work best if your partners also don’t prioritize sex in the relationship.

When you don’t align, that’s when things can get really tough. Seeking the guidance of a couples and family therapist or sex therapist can be really helpful when the stars are not aligning for sex. Although some therapists and counselors offer sliding scales, not everyone can afford these services. Here is a list of affordable book resources that I have used so far on my personal journey through sexual healing that you may even be able to find at the library. I am currently seeking more LGBTQ+ resources pertaining to this topic as I do not identify as heterosexual or cisgendered, but these are the books I have found so far. The first book is a great read based on cisgendered women’s experiences with various life events that have changed their relationship with sex. The second book is a great resource for how to communicate effectively in relationships – however, it should be noted that the research is based off observations of monogamous heterosexual couples who are struggling with the transition into parenthood. The final book is also based on research with cisgendered women, though I strongly feel everyone would benefit from its good science and worksheet pages:

Sex After… Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes by Iris Krasnow

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

The next time someone tries to tell you that sex is an important aspect of a healthy relationship, ask yourself: who’s saying it? How does this statement benefit them? What are they trying to sell me? What are they trying to sell themselves? And finally– is sex an important aspect of relationships for me?

Because, really, that’s the answer that matters.

a short haired woman in a dark jacket with a red scarf smiles against a leafy background

Tynan Rhea works in Toronto as a doula, aromatherapist, and coach specializing in sexual and reproductive health. Tynan graduated from the University of Waterloo with a Joint Honours Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sexuality, Marriage, & Family. They received their doula training from the Revolutionary Doula Training program and their aromatherapy training with Anarres Apothecary Apprenticeship program. You can read more about them at TynanRhea.com, follow them on Instagram and Twitter (@TynanRhea) or check out their blog: queering holistic health (on her website).

This post has been featured as one of Kinkly’s Sex Stories We Love!

#IAmAPreExistingCondition

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

#IAmAPreExistingCondition – it’s a hashtag and a movement.

Many people are flocking to social media and writing platforms to share their concerns over the AHCA. Celebrities, patient activists, and others have been sharing how their conditions or lives will be affected. Groups are even starting video projects in order to help abled people understand what those of us with conditions and disabilities will face.

Hell, you can even get things set up to have your ashes sent to GOP peeps who voted for the AHCA if it becomes law and you pass away because of it. Here’s a breakdown of Republicans in the House that voted in favor btw.

The AHCA is incredibly dangerous. As it stands right now, the bill targets special education, potentially turns sexual assault and C-sections into pre-existing conditions, and affects even those on employer-based plans. It affects the LGBT+ community even more – something we don’t need more of, especially after the latest Executive Order.

Reps have even had the audacity to rule themselves exempt from these changes. The only potential upside is that at least the Senate won’t be voting on this specific bill? But that also gives them more time to fuck us over with worse shit.

I touched on this over at my other site, Not Standing Still’s Disease, but… bills like this one just remind those of us who aren’t abled that our lives aren’t considered as worthy as others. This isn’t new news but brings up a lot of hurt.

It’s important to remember our history. For example, Holocaust killing methods were perfected on us precisely because our lives weren’t as valued. The Capitol Crawl, where so many of our siblings and leaders harmed themselves in order to ensure our rights, was only in 1990 – and it’s still not enforced.

Want to join us?

Use the tags #IAmAPreExistingCondition and #HealthHasNoParty on social media.

Use this awesome photo from Liz Salmi and Hugo Campos:

I am an American with a Pre-Existing Condition #HealthHasNoParty

You can even use free services like PicMonkey to create collages with this photo and others related to your illness journey like I’ve done here:

Tag your representatives, local news offices, and others.

Record videos. Share them.

Write on Medium or other platforms.

Contact your elected officials in whatever way you can.

Remember that you can text RESIST to 50409 to utilize Resist Bot, which will compile your thoughts into a fax. This is far more likely to be read than email – and easier for many of us than calling. You can do it every single day.

May is Masturbation Month!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Masturbation.

There’s no better way to learn what we do and don’t like. But what else can masturbation do for us?

Plus, have you ever seen what it does to your brain? Cause it’s kind of amazing {gif alert}.

The problem is that there is a gender gap when it comes to orgasms in general. With regards to self-pleasure, many vagina owners weren’t told that masturbation was okay or natural. This all serves to make us sexual objects for our partners instead of for ourselves.

There is hope! Sweden and other progressive countries are including info on self-pleasure in their hella comprehensive sex ed – and it’s working to help close the gap.

Masturbation May has quite a history – but one that’s already been covered by some amazing writers. Check it out.

Some people like to ‘do it’ themselves while others love to utilize toys. Here is a primer on how to use a vibrator – and what you should know before buying your first one. Make sure to visit our Pinterest board dedicated to masturbation and sex toys for more motivation and information.

Whatever you do, just watch out for toxic and unsafe toys. That’s why I recommend companies like Tantus, Vibrant, and Fun Factory – you know you’re getting safe and quality products!

Grab bags are cool – you choose what kind of toy you want by the shape. Then, Tantus sends you a random-colored toy at a discount. Sweet, right? Tantus’ sale ends on Thursday, May 11, so get clicking!

In case you need some motivation, here are ‘35 Reasons You Should Add Masturbation to Your Self-Care Routine.’ Hell, Jane Fonda of Grace & Frankie does it often! (PS I’ve finally binged on G&F and cannot recommend it more.)

Oh, and did I mention you can masturbate for a good cause? Learn more here.

Survey: Experiences Related to Sexual Orientation

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Emma – a friend of a friend – is working on her Ph.D. She’s currently researching how our sexual orientation affects our life experiences. This particular survey asks questions about sexual orientation, stigma around that, and health.

I took this and it was really easy. This survey takes about half an hour to finish. It’s anonymous and. At the end, you can enter your email to win an Amazon gift card!

Click here to help out with this academic research.

Awareness Calendar for May 2017

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

May is a large month for awareness fun.

  • ALS
  • Arthritis
  • Asthma and Allergy
  • Bladder Cancer
  • Brain Cancer
  • Celiac Disease
  • CRPS
  • Cystic Fibrosis
  • Digestive Diseases
  • Ehlers-Danlos (EDS)
  • Foster Care
  • Hepatitis
  • High Blood Pressure
  • Huntington’s Disease
  • Lyme Disease
  • Lupus
  • Masturbation
  • Melanoma
  • Mental Health
  • Myositis
  • Neurofibromatosis
  • Osteoporosis
  • Skin Cancer
  • Stroke

In addition to these month-long initiatives, there are days and weeks devoted to raising awareness for things:

  • Asthma (2)
  • Foster Care (2)
  • Barrier Awareness (7)
  • Infertility Survival (7)
  • Stuttering (7-13)
  • Fibromyalgia (12)
  • ME/CFS (12)
  • Neuropathy Awareness Week (second full week)
  • Honor LGBT Elders (16)
  • Hypertension (17)
  • International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia (17)
  • HIV Vaccine (18)
  • Hepatitis Testing Day (19)
  • World Autoimmune Arthritis Day (20)
  • Pansexual & Panromantic Awareness (24)
  • Heat Awareness (26)
  • Digestive Health (29)
  • MS (31)

Note: I consulted a half-dozen websites for a lot of the data that I didn’t already know. If I missed something, please let me know in the comments!

NIAW Roundup

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

We’re rounding out NIAW. I was hoping to bring some personal stories about infertility up this week. Between traveling, my master’s capstone, and other people living their lives and dealing with their illnesses, that didn’t happen.

In lieu of those, here is a roundup of articles and pieces on fertility:

USA TODAY Partners with RESOLVE to Heighten Infertility Awareness

Infertility Awareness Week Reminds Us That 48.5 Million Couples Worldwide Need Fertility Help

National Infertility Awareness Week: A Chance To Support Those Facing Infertility

Infertility: When adoption is not an option

IVF versus adoption: Why ‘just adopt’ is not the answer

Please, Stop Telling Infertile Couples to “Just Adopt”

Arab Americans, African Americans, and infertility: barriers to reproduction and medical care

Is male infertility a social blindspot?

Slavery Segregation and Racism: Trusting the Health Care System Ain’tAlways Easy! An African American Perspective on Bioethics

What “Avengers” got right about Black Widow: Infertility is devastating — even for superheroes

Most Men Know Surprisingly Little About Their Own Fertility

Fertility options for transgender persons

22 Things You Should Know About Fertility

20 Things Transgender People Might Want To Know About Fertility

Cancer and Fertility

Life, Interrupted: A Young Cancer Patient Faces Infertility

How can cancer affect fertility?

Infertility Awareness Week Guest Post: Egg Donation

Posted on by Guest

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week. I wanted to share a variety of perspectives surrounding fertility. Luckily, Ness offered for me to repost this wonderful story of hers about donating her eggs. This post originally appeared at The Girl with the Five Lads and appears here with Ness’ permission.

Today there is a mother snuggling her children due to a decision I made over twelve years ago. Like many women, I made the decision to donate my eggs to help another woman have the right to feel the way I do. Being a mother is the most beautiful thing I have ever achieved in my life.

Egg donation offers new hope for a large number of women who previously thought they could never have children. For me, this would have devastated me knowing I could not become a mummy. All I longed to be as a small child was a wife and mum. Luckily for me conception was never a struggle, for some this brings such heartache for women who have lost their ovaries or the function of their ovaries whilst young. This could be because the ovaries have never developed properly, or because of cancer, surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy or, for a surprisingly large number of women, early menopause.

I was married at the time of donation and I already had three beautiful children. If I am totally honest my husband at the time did not like the idea of donation and never gave me his blessing but it was something I wanted to do. For him, it was odd and just not right.

In the past, people who donated sperm, eggs or embryos could choose to remain anonymous. Donors had to give identifying details for our Register, but these stayed confidential. Under the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 1990, people could apply to find out if they were conceived using donated sperm, eggs or embryos. They could also check whether they were related to someone they wanted to marry, but they did not have the right to know who the donor was. April 2005 a new law came into effect, which allows people conceived through donations made after this date to find out who their donor was, once they reach 18.

I was given a small piece of card with a section only a few inches big to write a note to the child if every they decided to find out about the woman that gave their mum ingredients to make them. It was the most surreal moment, writing to an adult about why you donated eggs. I cannot remember what I wrote exactly but it was about me, my personality and that I gave the eggs with love so that their mum could feel the love of being a mother.

I can always remember being pregnant with my fourth son and the phone rang. It was Liverpool Women’s hospital to tell be that a baby had recently been born as a result of my eggs and a lady was pregnant with twins. They do not give you details other than that, I did not get told the sex, date of birth etc just that the parents had requested for the further eggs in storage for siblings. You can only have 10 live births regardless of donating 16 eggs. I put the phone down and cried, it was a happy feel good cry knowing a mum is now cuddling her baby and she once thought that moment was denied for her.

When you are told of the process for egg donation it appears very daunting. The side effects sound horrific and enough to put you off. If you were sat down with a health professional and the leaflet for a paracetamol was read out, the side effects, overdose dangers. Would you take a tablet so easily? That is all they are doing, by law, they have to give you every snippet of information so you make an informed consent.

Did it hurt?

No, you have to have a series of injections in the run up to extraction. Just a small thin needle, if you have had a blood test in the doctors, a tattoo or a piercing it is no worse as the needle is tiny in comparison.

Did you get all the horrible side effects from the medication?

No none at all, in fact, I felt better as I had no PMT. I asked the doctor could I not stay on the medication that switched off my ovaries as it was lovely having no PMT, but he laughed and said no.

Did the process of extracting the eggs hurt?

No more than a smear
How did you feel knowing the eggs are going to be babies but you are not the mother?

I felt honoured to have helped another woman.

If like many you have thought about being a donor but never got around to doing it or unsure how. Please have a think of all the women in the UK today that have to read endless facebook updates about mothers love. All you need to do is telephone your local maternity/women’s hospital tomorrow and ask them to put you through to the reproduction unit. It is that simple. I then got a pack through the post to read, then after reading there was a number to call if I still wanted to be a donor. You have an appointment with a nurse in the unit and it is all explained.

You have the power to change someone’s life forever.

Love, laughter and gentle hugs
Ness xx

Make sure to follow Ness’ journey on her site, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Bloglovin.

April 23-29 is National Infertility Awareness Week

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

The subject of kids is one that’s hard to talk about in chronic illness and disability communities. Part of it is the infantilization we as adults experience due to our conditions. Part of it is due to how difficult it may be to date. A lot of it has to do, though, with fertility and the ability to carry a fetus to term.

We disabled and ill are judged for trying to have children – and we are judged if we cannot.

Infertility is simply an umbrella term. What it means is that a heterosexual couple has been unable to conceive over the course of 6-12 months (depending on ages involved). It affects one of every eight couples.

Conditions that can affect fertility range from Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) to physical and hormonal issues to medication-related issues. Medications can make it difficult to conceive, whether for a specific time or longer. Many medications haven’t been observed in pregnancy and therefore have unknown risks to both parent and fetus in utero. Others, such as methotrexate, are known to be toxic for fetuses.

Forced sterilization is a reality that too many of us have lived through, from New Zealand to the US and beyond.

There are many ways to deal with infertility ranging from adoption and surrogacy to IVF and other fertility medications to living child-free. If people choose to go through IVF and other fertility treatments, these aren’t always covered by insurance. In fact, only 15 states mandate some sort of infertility treatment coverage. The ACA didn’t expand coverage requirements in this case – which is, frankly, a disappointment.

Living with infertility is costly.

If someone aims to have kids, they have to deal with medical appointments and the charges associated with IVF/infertility treatments.

Surrogacy is expensive, especially as it generally means the family pays for medical care for the surrogate.

Adoption is also incredibly expensive. Depending on illness/disability, socioeconomic status, race/ethnicity, relationship status, gender identity, or sexual orientation, it may be impossible to adopt. Denials are not rare, again especially for those of us with illnesses or disabilities.

Adoption is also incredibly expensive. Depending on illness or disability, socioeconomic status, race/ethnicity, relationship status, gender identity, or sexual orientation, it may be impossible to adopt. Denials are not rare, again especially for those of us with illnesses or disabilities.

The emotional toll infertility takes is horrendous. When we can’t conceive, it can make interacting with family difficult, whether that’s being asked when you’ll have kids or interacting with kiddos you may never have on your own. Hell, even being on social media can be taxing. Everyone posts cute pictures of their children. They don’t mean to trigger reminders of pain but inevitably do.

This can all take a terrible toll on our intimate relationships as well.

This week, Chronic Sex will focus on sharing resources and experiences of people dealing with infertility.

If you struggle with fertility issues, know that you aren’t alone. There are many resources that exist, such as RESOLVE: The National Infertility Awareness Association.

Off to HealtheVoices 2017

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

I’m heading to Chicago for the weekend for HealtheVoices 2017!

Chicago is one of my favorite places, so I’m excited to spend some time there with some of my favorite health activists in the entire world. It will also be great to see many of my Joint Decisions friends for the first time since our October summit.

Since I’m at the end of my master’s capstone writing, I may not get a recap up as quickly as I did last year. Still, I’m excited to be able to share things I learn with everyone else via the interwebs.

PS: Janssen is paying my travel expenses for this conference. All thoughts and opinions expressed here or on social media are my own and do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of Janssen or Johnson and Johnson.