Fat Acceptance Month 2021 Twitter Chat – Jan 6 @ 8 pm Eastern

A flyer with a light blue border, dark red text, and some kind of red flower with stems image at the top. Text reads: "FAT ACCEPTANCE MONTH 2021 TWITTER CHAT “BABY, STOP RUNNING AROUND!” DATE: WED. JANUARY 6TH, 2021 TIME: 8 P.M EST/5 P.M. PST

A couple of years ago, I was lucky enough to be able to interview Denarii Grace about why she was creating a Fat Acceptance Month. It’s about that time of year again when people start thinking about weight loss more heavily.

Fat Acceptance Month 2021 has a theme: “Gimme a Break!” We’ll be having conversations around rest, relaxation, self-care, the concept of “laziness,” and the harm that toxic productivity does to our souls (if you believe in that sort of thing), minds, and bodies.

For the first (of four) Twitter chats, Denarii will be asking questions about how the concept of productivity has manifested itself in your experiences of diet and weight loss cultures. That first chat is on Wednesday, January 6th, at 8 pm Eastern. Here’s a time zone converter if you need one.

To participate, follow Denarii Grace on Twitter and use the hashtag #FAM2021.

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations

A Guide to COVID-19 Risk Aware Conversations | photo of a small marquee with the words 'not today COVID19'

Please note that your mileage may vary with all this, especially if you rely on family or others for various help or anything else.

We know that COVID-19 can be transmitted via close contact with others, especially due to it being airborne. When this happens indoors, it can create a dangerous ability to spread infection.

I’m going to implore everyone to stay home this holiday season. This isn’t just me speaking as a chronic illness patient, but as someone that works in public health. The risk is generally far too great, especially if you’re crossing state lines.

I know the reality is that some people can’t just choose to stay home right now. In that case, it’s important to talk about risks.

How to have COVID-19 risk-aware conversations

As a sex educator, there are a ton of good ways of talking about risk! Here’s a really good, basic example from the STI world:

“So, before we meet up, I want to talk about risk-aware sex practices. I get tested for STIs every three months and after playing with new any partners. My last test was on November first via blood draw and urine sample, and all tests came back negative. I haven’t played with anyone new since having these tests run. While I have an IUD to prevent pregnancy, I ask that we also utilize condoms to add another layer of safety to preventing both STIs and pregnancy.”

If you’re talking about COVID risk, the conversation will be slightly different. You’ll need to loop in others about travel, possible exposure, and any safety measures you’re taking. Here is one possible example:

“I currently go out to get groceries once a week. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in the clinic. Once I return from being out, I change clothes and take a shower. I always wear my mask when going out & sanitize/wash my hands often. I have not experienced any possible COVID symptoms, with the exception of an intermittent sore throat. This is a regular symptom due to one of my chronic conditions, and I’m happy to talk more about this. I have not spent time with anyone indoors, and only in passing outdoors. Since I would like to keep us both safe, I will switch to picking up groceries for the next two weeks in addition to taking additional saftey measures before we gather together.”

Leading with your status and what you’re doing gives the other person a way to emulate that if they’re nervous or don’t know what to share. It can make it really comfortable for you to ask, “What about you?”

Hold your boundaries steady

Having this conversation can also set the scene for laying out boundaries you may have. If the loved one you’re hoping to see is defensive or skirts the issue, you can use this time to reassert your needs, wants, and boundaries. You can even dig deeper into the risks if you want and define your boundaries as necessary. Remind people that you’re keeping not only you and them safe, but others you come into contact with, too.

“Dad, I love you very much. As you know, my immune system puts me at extra risk for catching infections easily. I want to spend time with you, but you need to know that I can’t come to see you if you’re not wearing masks out/limiting who you spend time with/etc. This protects both of us, but also the people I live with/work with/etc.”

It’s hard, but make sure that you follow through on that. Keep your boundaries firm. Make it clear that you control yourself and your exposure to risk. This is incredibly serious, and we can’t let our family or others stomp all over us.

Mitigating risk

Another way to mitigate risk is to consider where you’ll be. Will you be in the woods together with loved ones or at a condo in a busy, packed building? Does the person you’re visiting live alone or with a roommate whose risks you have to consider?

Know who all is invited to family things before you agree to go. Talk about risk with all of them.

Talk with your family and ensure that there’s a plan for if your Uncle Jerry (who doesn’t believe in COVID) stops by to say hi. Try to evaluate if you can truly ‘trust’ that this plan will be carried out.

If you’re not sure that you can trust that your concerns will be addressed, consider connecting virtually or otherwise from a distance. While this piece is about a romantic relationship, many of the tips and tricks can be used for any relationship.

Remind people of the risks of untreated acute issues, including COVID

Talk to your loved ones about the importance of seeking help if they show symptoms of COVID, including where to get tested near them.

It’s also important to talk about how vital it is to get treatment quickly for things like stroke, heart attacks, etc. Staying home from the hospital if they’re experiencing these will not help them heal, and may even contribute to their death or additional challenges.

Working in public health, I can say that our stroke numbers are down in Wisconsin. The reality is that we know strokes don’t take a break. What’s happening is people are too scared to get help with these dangerous acute events. People who refuse to seek help are more likely to die.

We Live on Stolen Land

If you are not indigenous, you live on stolen land.

 

“What’s going on?”
The US government stole and conquered this nation, pushing indigenous folx to smaller and smaller spaces, violating treaties over and over again while openly engaging in genocide and causing irreparable harm to folx. We then tried to steal indigenous culture by using social workers and others to steal their children and raise them in ‘boarding schools‘ [pronounced institutions] meant to make them more like white Christians. We stripped them of their native languages as well as family and tribal connections.

 

“But that was in the past!”
No, it isn’t.
Things like healthcare that our government stated they’d provide are woefully inadequate. Tribal services are often not culturally competent and there aren’t enough providers – or resources given to them – to actually provide care. Many indigenous folx have been pushed to reservations where water is scarce, they have little to no access to the internet and power or other services, and food doesn’t grow in addition to being miles away from grocery stores.
To top it off, we white folx have carved monuments to our whiteness into their holy areas like Mount Rushmore. When indigenous folx try to speak up about things like this or proposed pipelines like Standing Rock, they’re met with violence of the worst kind. The police have become increasingly militarized against the people we stole this land from. If you’re reading this the weekend of July 4, 2020, this is literally happening as you read.
That doesn’t even get into the inability of indigenous folx to arrest white folx committing crimes on their lands and against them. Law enforcement in the white world doesn’t give a shit and rarely does anything when there’s a ton of evidence, let alone if they have to actually investigate. This lends itself to the problem related to Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women. There are so many resources on MMIW that I can’t include them all, but please make sure to read more below:

There are also very real issues with policing harming indigenous folx, both directly and indirectly. For more, read:

So, today I urge y’all to learn about whose land you occupy by visiting https://native-land.ca/ I live on stolen land of the Kiikaapoi, Peoria, Ho-Chunk, Miami, Očeti Šakówin, and Sauk and Meskwaki tribes. What about you?

Ways You Can Help Trans, Non-binary, and GNC People

Updated on Oct 30, 2018

Content note: this post contains anti-trans sentiments, fucking cishet patriarchy bullshit, food, suicide/crisis hotline & violence mentions. If you need help, you can call 877-565-8860 (US), 877-330-6366 (Canada), or find resources in your country here. Unless I know someone’s pronouns, I use ‘they’ to be most neutral.

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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a few days. Honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and really work on it, though.

There are over a million and a half (roughly) trans, non-binary, or gender non-conforming people in the United States. Unfortunately, we’re far from tolerated – people want us dead. This is not embellishment by any means. We’re very rightly afraid for our lives and well-being.

Along with removing trans people from the health department site, the Department of Justice has told the Supreme Court that discriminating against trans people in the workplace doesn’t violate federal law. And, now, this administration is trying to strong-arm the United Nations to change ‘gender-based violence’ to ‘violence against women,’ effectively eliminating protections for us around the world.

We have very few rights around the world as it is, and it’s terrifying to see people willing to roll them back. You can’t say you’re doing things to protect the country while attacking literally everyone who isn’t a allocishet dyadic abled rich while man.

I know that people are wondering what we can do in the face of this stuff. Well, like I did last year for natural disasters, I did what I do best – pulled together ways you can help. I hope to keep this post updated for the foreseeable future while we’re facing terrifying odds, and will add a note at the top with when I’ve last updated.

 

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VOTE

I know not everyone is able to vote. I won’t shame y’all for that, but apathy? That won’t do. Until the purge starts (which is a terrifying thought), the most power we have is through exercising our rights to vote, protect, and speak up. Please do so.

There are a record number of trans and queer candidates this year. Take a minute and seee if any trans candidates are up for election in your neck of the woods.

Contact Your Reps

A super easy way to do this is through ResistBot. All you have to do is text RESIST to 50409 – or send it to them via Facebook Messenger – and they’ll help you contact your local and national officials. What I really like about this is that it makes it easy to keep in touch with officials. They’ll also text you to remind you to speak up, and that’s pretty great for us brain fog peeps.

Of course, if you can visit or call on your own, that’s awesome, too! You can double check who you’re represented by here.

As a quick heads up, email isn’t as effective even though it’s easy. That’s why I like ResistBot and how they turn your text into calls or faxes.

Whatever way works best, just make sure to do it.

Educate Yourself

There are a lot of people who would like to be better allies to the trans/GNC community. The best way to do that is either to ask one of us open to sharing information with you or educate yourself. It shouldn’t always be on a marginalized group to educate privileged people about their oppression, especially when there are so many resources out there if you search correctly or find the right kinds of sites to learn from.

GLAAD has a great primer on how to be a better ally. I’ve got a post about genders you should check out, too.

Other sites that have great pieces:

Educate Others

After you’ve learned about trans issues, take steps to correct misconceptions. Take a stand because, unless people learn, we can’t move forward. When you hear transphobic/misic remarks, spend time to share the true with people.

Sometimes, that means speaking up in public. Other times, that might mean being the uncomfortable voice of truth at Thanksgiving. Honestly, it’s the best way to feel like you’ve earned pie!

Speak Out

Come with us to rallies and protests. Go with us when it’s dangerous. Check in on us.

Use any privileges you have – especially if you’re cis – to tell people about how gender isn’t a binary, immigrants aren’t evil, and more.

Standby

When we’re able to formally comment against the legislation, we’ll need allies to help make an impact. You can follow the Transgender Law Center for more information on Facebook, Twitter, or through their site or email list.

Volunteer

You can find spaces near you to volunteer, thanks to The Trevor Project.

 

 

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Continue reading “Ways You Can Help Trans, Non-binary, and GNC People”

Self-Care for Rough Days

TW sexual violence, dissociation, trauma

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The current news cycle is taking a toll on a lot of us.

It’s hard to exist in our world right now. Everything in the news is triggering, and the people who don’t use trigger warnings or content notes are the bane of my existence. It feels people have little empathy for survivors, regardless of their own survivorship. When we feel like we constantly have to be ‘on’ to not miss action items, it doesn’t help.

Unfortunately, that’s what the past two years have been.

It is not sustainable to exist in today’s world without taking time for self-care. Self-care isn’t getting your nails done or going to the gym. It can be those things as self-care is different for everyone. At its core, though, self-care is about making sure that you are taking steps to love and protect yourself as you move throughout this world.

And we need that right now more than ever.

Continue reading “Self-Care for Rough Days”

S2E10: Freddie Mercury, HIV/AIDS, and the Straightwashing of Queer Icons

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The trailer for the new Freddie Mercury biopic came out and I’m pissed – there’s no mention of his HIV/AIDS or his queerness. Let’s talk more about Freddie’s REAL life and how it weaves into the HIV/AIDS crisis.

TW death, queer erasure, queermisia

Make sure to check out the events tab on the FB page and support the show on Patreon

Is Integrity A Thing Anymore?

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Last year, I worked with Eventbrite on a post over on my muggle site. They reached back out to see if I would work with them on another thing this month. Instead of a happy email back, they got a note from me about how their recent TOS change harms sex workers. [Edit: they changed their guidelines (not TOS – oops) to exclude information related to sex and explicit things.]

Miss out on SESTA/FOSTA stuff? Click here.

Changes companies make matter. SESTA/FOSTA inspired changes have wound up leading to sex workers moving to street work – and several sex workers dying or being harmed by doing so. I can’t, in good conscience, work with companies that are okay with harming people – especially when sex work is one of the most accessible forms of work.

This brings up some feels I’m having around how much we promote companies or people when we don’t agree with their ethics.

I get so surprised when I see people happily working with entities that suck and go against a lot of what they do. I guess I shouldn’t be quite as surprised as I always am. After all, we live in a capitalist society. On top of that, it’s easy to rationalize that we need money over our integrity.

It reminds me of the situation with Tantus at Woodhull last year. The owner partook in gaslighting conference attendees over ableism. I was done. I canceled my affiliate account with them at the airport. Honestly, I don’t care if that means I missed out on making money.

Personally, it’s more important for me to help take a stand. I’d rather miss out on something because I give a shit than be rolling in the dough.

We all need to ask ourselves at what point we’re willing to put our integrity into question by working with questionable people in order to reach their audiences or make money, etc. Is it worth compromising our ethics?

If we say yes, where do we stop? It’s a slippery slope – “I’ll just write one post for X. It’s fine.” Pretty soon you become part of the establishment you’re fighting to dismantle.

Capitalism and compromising our values lead down some shit roads, fam.

There are better ways to reach people than to put up with abusers or unethical entities. Always.

We can do better.

We can always do better.

Why I’m Glad I Won’t Be Counted By The Census as a Queer Trans Person

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This past week, it was announced that questions about gender and sexuality won’t be part of the 2020 census. I know there are a lot of people upset about that. I, on the other hand, am hella stoked.

Conservative political leaders have riled their bigoted supporters up. This led to higher rates of hate crimes immediately following the 2016 presidential election. Those higher rates have, sadly, persisted.

I won’t lie – I get afraid of being myself in public. Having purple hair already gets me odd stares and under-the-breath comments that aren’t so quiet. Add in wearing things that show off my queer, trans, and/or disabled pride, and it gets even worse.

One thing I’ve learned from disability history is that counting or helping us always has a hidden agenda. In the past, disabled people were locked up under the guise of helping us. We’ve been – and continue to be – tortured in order to ‘help’ us. Ableds consistently invade our hashtags to tell us how to self-identify and tone police.

Frankly, the last thing I want until I have any semblance of faith in our political system is to have them count and note my identities. It might seem weird to consider that I happily share my identities, but fear government involvement with them.  I worry about what they will actually do with that information. Honestly, it brings up images of the Holocaust – the multiple symbols used to identify prisoners, how the T4 program started with disabled children, and more.

Until I feel like there is less bigotry against us, there’s no way that I feel comfortable being counted. I can’t imagine I’m alone in that.

Don’t Let Them Trick You – MindGeek, PornHub, and YouPorn are Bad News

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Last updated October 24, 2021.

PornHub and YouPorn want you to think they’re good people. They really do. From giving funding to college sex educators to ‘fighting’ revenge porn to even paying for plows during snowstorms in major cities, they run some new positive propaganda stuff every time you turn around.

Don’t believe it for a single second. There’s a reason they’re on my blacklist.

They Have A Virtual Monopoly

PornHub’s parent company, MindGeek, has a virtual monopoly on ‘free’ porn streaming sites. These sites are modeled after YouTube, allowing users to upload content. Total, they consume the third-largest amount of bandwidth, with only Google and Netflix ahead of them. Companies they own or have a part in include (but aren’t limited to):

  • YouPorn
  • RedTube
  • Tube8
  • XTube
  • ExtremeTube
  • PornMD
  • PornIQ
  • Peeperz
  • GayTube
  • Babes.com
  • Men.com
  • Sextube
  • SpankWire
  • MyDirtyHobby
  • Webcams.com
  • Brazzers
  • Digital Playground
  • Reality Kings
  • Mofos
  • Twistys
  • Playboy
  • Wicked Pictures

They are involved with over 100 sites. No, I’m not kidding. If this wasn’t porn, I have a feeling they’d be more regulated and challenged by laws.

Stolen Content

One of the biggest issues with MindGeek companies is that they do not regulate stolen content. This means users can upload clips they got from any performer without that performer benefitting. There are even allegations that they cheat the system:

For example, one shady scenario involves a company that knowingly and willingly submits infringing content to its tube site — or pays others to do it for them — under the guise of “user” uploads. Then in an effort to seemingly comply with the DMCA, removes clips on request — only to have the compliance department send the removed material to the upload department, where this cynically cyclical process is endlessly repeated.

The monopoly MindGeek holds on streaming sites, in addition to the big production names they own or are involved with, makes it very difficult for performers to feel like they can speak up. Adult actress Tasha Reign said, “It’s like we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place in a way, because if I want to shoot content then I kinda have to shoot for [Mindgeek] because that’s the company that books me because they own…almost…everything.” The fear of being blacklisted by a company that owns nearly 100 sites is terrifying.

Siri, the owner of Abby Winters, said, “From personal experience, I know how hard it is to get my copyrighted content removed from tube sites – even the purportedly “legit” ones that porn magnate MindGeek owns still force copyright holders to jump through hoops to get our content removed from tube sites.” She goes on to explain that, like Walmart, MindGeek purposely has built a monopoly by providing ‘free’ content. Hell, they even profit more off pirated content than the stuff they produce and own.

It’s very costly to hire a legal team to issue DMCA takedown notices and threaten legal action, making it less accessible to people, too. That’s even more work someone has to do to afford to take legal action to keep the work they do from being pirated. At the end of the day, that costs too much in money, time, and energy for sex workers – especially disabled SWs.

That monopoly also forces a number of performers, sites, and stores who would object to MindGeek’s ethics to work with them. If they don’t, they’d likely cease to exist. This has been an issue for nearly a decade.

Like Walmart, the quality of films made goes way down. When the #PayForYourPorn movement started, Megan Wozniak – the marketing director of Adult DVD Empire – said, ”If people continue down this road, porn is not gonna get made. It’ll all be amateur content, and you won’t get the high-resolution, high production quality that you have with the studios. We just wanted to educate consumers who might not be aware of the effects of pirated content.”

This becomes even worse when we consider that, unlike other film-based industries, adult performers only get paid once for their appearances. They don’t get royalties or money from sales unless they’re a one-person show releasing their own content. That means working much harder for less overall pay, something that has a lot of performers afraid for their career safety.

Doxxing Sex Workers

If that wasn’t bad enough, the process these sites use to remove pirated content puts sex workers at risk. About this time last year, I watched as a friend live-tweeted discovering their videos on PornHub. Once they filed to get that removed, it took quite a bit for PornHub to get on it. The scarier part? They put up this performer’s real name. They had multiple stalkers that could now find them. It took days of several of us harassing PornHub to get this remedied. It seems that every time I turn around, though, I see this happening to more performers.

What they’re doing is doxxing sex workers – sharing their true identities instead of screen names. It’s a revenge tactic to try to scare people away from getting content they rightfully own off these tube sites. If this were something YouTube did, you bet Viacom and others would stomp on this. Unfortunately, because this is porn, the government – which usually would get in on this stuff – doesn’t care.

And that’s scary AF.

For performers who, like any other human in an occupation, has a family or another job to worry about? It’s even more terrifying.

Gathering Your Data

The UK recently based the Digital Economy Act. One of the pieces of this act is to have an age checker on all pornographic sites. The AgeID system that MindGeek sites will use does more than that – it collects information about you. And they’re offering their system to other porn sites for a fee.

In order to verify your age, you can log into a third-party site. According to RT, MindGeek has stated it won’t collect data during the verification process. However, data is still stored:

The program will find the names, postal addresses, nationalities, dates and places of birth, email addresses, mobile phone numbers and demographic information of its users. The firm notes that this information can be used by AgeID “to develop and display content and advertising tailored to your interests on our website and other sites.”

The policy also states: “We also may use these technologies to collect information about your online activities over time and across third-party websites or other online services.”

This has people concerned about visiting social media, conducting business, and more. And rightfully so, especially as MindGeek isn’t to be trusted.

Updates

As of early 2020, Pornhub has been exposed to allow videos of rape and abuse – not just fantasies.

In December 2020, Pornhub purged ‘millions’ of unverified videos amid allegations of hosting child pornography. That same month, both Mastercard and Visa pulled their services from PornHub. According to the New York Times,

Pornhub declined to make executives available on the record, but it provided a statement. “Pornhub is unequivocally committed to combating child sexual abuse material, and has instituted a comprehensive, industry-leading trust and safety policy to identify and eradicate illegal material from our community,” it said. Pornhub added that any assertion that the company allows child videos on the site “is irresponsible and flagrantly untrue.”

Here are additional items from that same NYT article that echo what I wrote here in 2018:

Pornhub is owned by Mindgeek, a private pornography conglomerate with more than 100 websites, production companies and brands. Its sites include Redtube, Youporn, XTube, SpankWire, ExtremeTube, Men.com, My Dirty Hobby, Thumbzilla, PornMD, Brazzers and GayTube. There are other major players in porn outside the Mindgeek umbrella, most notably XHamster and XVideos, but Mindgeek is a porn titan. If it operated in another industry, the Justice Department could be discussing an antitrust case against it.

Pornhub and Mindgeek also stand out because of their influence. One study this year by a digital marketing company concluded that Pornhub was the technology company with the third greatest-impact on society in the 21st century, after Facebook and Google but ahead of Microsoft, Apple and Amazon.

And some new facts to share:

While Pornhub would not tell me how many moderators it employs, I interviewed one who said that there are about 80 worldwide who work on Mindgeek sites (by comparison, Facebook told me it has 15,000 moderators). With 1.36 million new hours of video uploaded a year to Pornhub, that means that each moderator would have to review hundreds of hours of content each week.

The moderators fast forward through videos, but it’s often difficult to assess whether a person is 14 or 18, or whether torture is real or fake. Most of the underage content involves teenagers, the moderator I spoke with said, but some comes from spy cams in toilets or changing rooms and shows children only 8 to 12.

“The job in itself is soul-destroying,” the moderator said.

Executives of Pornhub appear in the past to have assumed that they enjoyed immunity under Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which protects internet platforms on which members of the public post content. But in 2018 Congress limited Section 230 so that it may not be enough to shield the company, leading Mindgeek to behave better.

It has doubled the number of moderators in the last couple of years, the moderator told me, and this year Pornhub began voluntarily reporting illegal material to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. After previously dragging its feet in removing videos of children and nonconsensual content, Pornhub now is responding more rapidly.

It has also compiled a list of banned content. I obtained a copy of this list, and it purports to bar videos with terms or themes like “rape,” “preteen,” “pedophilia” and “bestiality” (it helpfully clarifies that this “includes eels, fish, octopus, insects”). Diapers are OK “if no scatophilia.” Mutilation depends on context but “cannot depict severing parts of the body.”

Pornhub has introduced software that supposedly can “fingerprint” rape videos and prevent them from being uploaded again. But Vice showed how this technology is easily circumvented on Pornhub.

I don’t see any neat solution. But aside from limiting immunity so that companies are incentivized to behave better, here are three steps that would help: 1.) Allow only verified users to post videos. 2.) Prohibit downloads. 3.) Increase moderation.

According to City News, “The company recently settled a lawsuit involving 50 women, including four Canadians, who alleged they were duped into taking part of a massive human trafficking ring.”

In October 2021, a story came out of a woman who has attempted multiple times to remove footage of her being sexually abused as a child from PornHub to no avail. She is now a part of a class-action lawsuit against the group. 

Alternatives

There are so many porn sites and companies to avoid. SO MANY. Badass Ben Woods covered a lot of them in this piece for The Next Web. I highly suggest reading it because it highlights how awful other sites are as well.

As Siri points out,

There is no such thing as a “mom and pop” free porn site, I’m sorry. The largest, most popular tube sites are owned by large corporations (or simply extremely wealthy individuals) seeking to profit by stealing other people’s copyrighted material, and organizations that promote piracy of all online media.

So just know that every time you log on to a tube site, you’re definitely hurting performers like me, who work hard and pay out of my own pocket to produce original content for my own website. And you’re hurting the non-MindGeek-owned companies like Naughty America, Bang Bros, and many of the mainly-DVD-release studios like Vivid, Girlfriends Films, Elegant Angel, Evil Angel, and New Sensations/Digital Sin. Many of those companies continually have to cut their budgets as a direct result of piracy and tube sites.

I haven’t even gotten into the issues around problematic mainstream porn. In addition to the poor quality Wozniak mentioned above, much of the porn on these sites reinforces stereotypes that are way past done. They lack representation. Hell, they even teach those without access to better sex ed some negative things about communication, consent, and general sexuality. Alas, this isn’t the time or the place to really get into that.

Let’s discuss alternatives to MindGeek sites.

Obviously, my top pick is anything from parent company Pink & White Productions like CrashPad, Pink Label, or Heavenly Spire. Yes, these are affiliate links because I love P&W. I wouldn’t be their affiliate if I didn’t. The representation for queer, trans, disabled, and people of color their sites have honestly can’t be beaten.

Other paid sites to check:

Make sure to check out amazing content from independent pornographers, cam performers, and more, too. Some of my favorite pals include:

Shit We Need to Leave in 2017

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This dumpster fire of a year is finally fucking coming to a close! Fuck, yeah! Are you as excited-slash-terrified as I am? I’m hopeful that some shit will end, but know that we’re on the verge of new terrors and adventures. I’ve prepared by playing Wolfenstein non-stop since the 23rd and seeing The Last Jedi.

Here is some of the bullshit we really need to leave in this year:

Pressure-filled questions that reinforce gender stereotypes because, no, I’m not having human children. It’s no one’s business anyway. Other things that aren’t your business? Relationship plans, career plans, household plans, etc.

Language that’s fatmisic, shames neurodivergence, ableist, racist, anti-LGBT+ and otherwise bigoted unless you’re reclaiming it as a member of a specific group.

Refusing to feel all your feels – including anger. Anger is a valid emotion and one we have to let ourselves feel, especially in our current sociopolitical climate.

Hijacking, comparing, giving unsolicited advice, and Cure Evangelism (and more!). Start practicing compassion. Ask people if they want advice. Stop saying your grandmother’s second cousin’s roommate had XYZ and got better doing ABC. Stop saying “I have it worse than you!” and the like. Let other people feel their feelings, vent, and more without taking over – and therefore negating – their pain.

Toxic friends and family, including staying connected with people on social media that are bigots. Just walk away. Great Aunt Margaret will have to deal with the fact that she’s transmisic at some point. Don’t encourage her behavior by continuing to stay connected.

two white-appearing people holding hands with a watery background

Being a goddamn bigot. Please just fucking grow up.

Shaming those of us who utilize fidget spinners. Guess what? They’re helpful for many of us with mental and physical issues and, fuck you, shaming that is ableist.

Ableist rhetoric that paints every mentally ill person as a murderer and every disabled person as inept or in a wheelchair. Ironically, the only thing that makes me want to hurt someone else is them being a bigot – especially about this shit. Also? Disabled peeps are more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators. Learn some shit.

Racist fucking shit. We get it – you’ve got privilege. Now use it to learn about the other BILLIONS of people in the world and how they get treated.

Shaming and blaming victims. From MeToo to gaslighting women of color about their experiences, I’m not having it.

Refusing to learn on your own. Search engines exist for a reason. Learn how to vet sources.

Gendering sex toys. Like, why the fuck is a dildo a female toy? It’s not! This shit only reinforces the gender binary (which shouldn’t exist).

Telling those of us who are trans, gender non-conforming, and queer/LGBT+ that we’re sinners, evil, should die, etc. I don’t have anything more to say about that other than – if this is you – fuck you.

Treating sex workers like shit. Sex work is one of the most accessible forms of work out there. Period. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t check out porn at least once in a while, either.

Pay for your shit. Stop using sites like Pornhub that doxx sex workers and steal their videos. Start paying for your porn through places like Crash Pad. Give people tips.

photo of a messy desk with someone writing on the top of a pile of papers in front of a computer with a cell phone in front of them

Refusing to take care of ourselves. Our society is so focused on productivity that we deny things we need. Self-care is important, though, and we have to start learning how to rest. This includes getting that mole checked out, seeing a therapist, sleeping, and eating enough.

The word handicapable. [insert eye roll here] The word is disabled. Say it. Handicap comes from disabled people begging and, essentially, it’s a slur, too. Changing it so it’s less horrifying for ableds isn’t doing anyone any favors.

Supporting organizations about people run by people outside of that group. Yep, I’m looking at you, Autism $peaks.

Alienating people who are highlighting marginalization issues (e.g., commenting “All Lives Matter!”). If all lives really mattered, we wouldn’t be having these conversations – or, you know, people of color being murdered by police.

Compromising your integrity for connections and opportunities. I’ve spent a lot of time entertaining relationships with people who weren’t good for me or the people and things that matter to me… because it might lead somewhere ‘nice.’ Never again.

Assuming someone’s tone by their written words. People constantly assume I’m saying things out of anger when I’m saying them matter-of-factly or kindly. Ask about tone if you’re confused or unsure – or just want to make sure your reaction is justified anger, not misplaced.

Companies that shame bloggers, writers, sex educators, and more. Enough.

Aiming for perfection. Literally, no one and nothing is perfect. Let’s stop pretending that’s a goal and start enjoying the journey.

Refusing to set boundaries. As someone who didn’t learn them growing up, I know it’s not an easy thing to learn. Still, boundaries are important for our well-being.

a person standing in a woody setting with their back to the camera - they're wearing a plaid shirt that has fallen off their left shoulder and dark leggings

Assuming someone’s gender, sexual orientation, and pronouns based on their appearance. While we’re at it, stop assuming race, ethnicity, and everything else. Start asking people questions. Communicate.

Those ‘not my president’ shirts and gear. Am I the only one who forgets how racists used that in the last decade to negate Obama’s presidency? Why are we using a term built by racism? Seriously?

Equating pussies with femme-hood. Sure, I have a vulva and a vagina, but I’m not a woman. I’m genderfluid. Gender is in your heart, not your parts. Some women have penises. Some have penises and vulvas. Get over it.

Staying quiet because you believe it’s ‘not your place’ to speak up about something. Look, if two dudes are making creepy sexual comments about someone and you don’t speak up? You’re condoning and approving their behavior. Stop doing that.

Tone-policing. You do not get to tell someone (especially those experiencing a level of marginalization you don’t know) how to respond to anything. Ever.

Pretending you’re not hurt when you are. In order to fully feel and process our feels, we have to name them. For maximum health, we have to communicate issues with people. If we start learning how to say “Wow, that comment was very ableist and hurtful” we might be able to nip this shit.

 

What else would you like to see left in this year?