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Want To Be A Better Ally?

It’s hard to get started on the road to understanding privileges and marginalizations. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in understanding those that we don’t focus on what we can do to use our privileges for good in helping others – or, at least, not harming them. This page, which will grow over time, will help give some resources on how you can support and help those around you. However, please use these only as guides and ask what would be the most helpful for people in any given situation and moment.

While I work hard at learning – and unlearning – including sharing resources, I know that I may have covered spots and other pitfalls due to my experiences, privileges, and more. If you have information that I don’t, such as why an author listed here shouldn’t be, please email me.

We have a page about abuse and domestic violence. To cut down on possible triggers on this page, a lot of information on these topics will not be listed here. Click here to head over to our resource page on these topics (note: this is not an obvious URL if you are concerned about your internet history being monitored).

Please note: The majority of books links shared are Amazon affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links in this post at no additional cost to you.

The Basics

Oppression
Privilege

Prejudice
Implicit Bias

Allyship

Allyship 101
Additional Resources

Definitions, Vital Information, and Tips

Definitions
Anti-Racism
Vital Information
Tips

Accountability

When Help Isn’t Helping
On When to Call In/Out
On Being Called Out
Owning Your Shit

Intersectionality

Definition
Notes

At The Intersections

Additional Pages

On Justice

 

Sex, BDSM, and More

Flogging Ended My Year-Long Fibro Flare #KinkySexTips

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo of a flogger (mixed medium of fluffy pink-purple and black leather) curled up against a grey couch; text "Flogging Ended My Year-Long Fibro Flare #KinkySexTips"

I’ve always been intrigued by BDSM and kink. I recently wrote a post about how the scene can bring useful things to anyone, especially in illness spaces. Naturally, when I attended the University of Guelph Sexuality Conference back in June, I hung out in their BDSM exploratorium.

The exploratorium was a very safe and respectful space, open to newbies and advanced kinksters to learn more about various kinds of play. It was great to be able to test out things, figure out what I was interested in, and talk with others about how my chronic pain might change things up.

I tried low-temp wax play and decided it wasn’t for me. Next, I had the same reaction with electrical play/e-stim, though I think that’s because of how much I utilize my TENS unit. I watched some rope play and hands-only impact play (punching, spanking, etc). Both were interesting to observe and I definitely want to do more with rope play in the future.

One station was set up for sensation play. It was so interesting. Scratchy, soft, leather, rough, hard, hands – we played with a wide variety of sensations on my forearms. Aside from being pleasurable, it was cool to be so present in my body for a positive reason.

The station I enjoyed the most was set up for impact play using instruments like floggers and paddles. My first go in the room, I spent time watching and observing. The second time, though, I offered to be a tester.

I got hit with a paddle, whip, flogger, and canes. During the negotiation process, I agreed to be hit just about anywhere, but the focus was on my back, butt, hips, and thighs. I had a few good bruises that lasted for a few weeks.

At one point, the person flogging me heard me go “Oooh!” My favorite thing is that they checked in, as did others watching, to make sure that was a good reaction – and it was.

After the event was over, I noticed that my pain was gone. I figured it would come back later in the day… but it didn’t. Now, I live with chronic pain, so it’s not that I was completely pain-free. However, the pain in my shoulders and neck was gone. It stayed that way for about a week despite a 15-hour drive back home.

Even after, though, my fibromyalgia pain was gone. I had been dealing with a fibro flare up for around a year – probably more – and it was finally gone. My rheumatologist and I had tried a bunch of stuff to get it to leave, but everything was basically a temporary solution.

Kirsten (short dark hair and black top) looks at a poster in a doctor office of the human anatomy/muscular system

Hell, even acupuncture – which worked at first – had lost efficacy.

It’s been just over two months since then. Despite the fact that I’m struggling to get adequate pain control and medical care for other things, my fibro is still cleared up. I have moments where it acts up more, but without a full flare – and mostly without the allodynia that was taking over my life.

I mentioned it to my rheumatologist at our latest appointment and she was ecstatic. When I told her how, she was really intrigued. We believe that, somehow, the BDSM play helped to rejigger the pain messages my body was sending. Researchers believe that mixed up pain signals are what fibro essentially is, after all.

In fact, ORCHIDS is going to do some research on BDSM and chronic pain to see what we can find! Stay tuned!

I can’t say that this will work for other people. What I can say is that I wish I had tried it a lot sooner instead of dealing with untreated pain.

If you’re interested in exploring BDSM tools more, I highly suggest checking out the collection Peepshow Toys has. SheVibe has some great stuff, too. In addition to being affiliates of ours, their shops are also just amazing.

This post is a part of the Kinky Sex Tips Blogfest ’17 run by Mona Darling. Mona is a former dominatrix who does sexual coaching for women. Make sure you check out her site because she’s running an amazing giveaway associated with these posts right now that includes coaching and great gifts!

a black-outlined square picture with white background features colorful icons in a circle that one would associate with kinky sex (floggers, masks, handcuffs, toys, etc) with a black outlined box just below middle-right of circle with black text "Kinky sex tips blogfest 2017"

Coaching

If you’re looking for services on behalf of an organization, please visit Let’s Work Together and Workshops and Presentations. Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or a therapist – just someone well versed in these topics who loves helping others.

Kirsten speaking with another person

I’m excited to now offer personal coaching!

We will stay in contact in whichever ways work best for you – social media, text, call, Skype, etc. The first session is always free. It’s a great way for us to get to know each other, talk over the programs, and more.

Fees for these programs range from $60 to $100 per session, depending on length and need. That said, I am happy to work on a sliding scale to accommodate your budget and needs. Please contact me for more information.

There will be homework with each program! This may include watching media, field trips (if possible), reading, and more.

Disability Coaching

It can be difficult to accept and handle our lives with chronic illness or disability. Many coaching programs out there start with the idea that we must always be positive and happy in spite of life’s challenges. I believe that we must allow ourselves to feel our negative feelings in order to process them. In the 20+ years that I’ve been sick, I’ve learned the hard way holding these things in can negatively affect our lives, our bodies, and our minds.

My disability coaching program will touch upon learning what works for you. We will go through some tried-and-true methods such as meditation but also experiment with new ideas based on what you respond to. This program will be heavy on self-love and self-care.

Text included with this program:  Self-Love 101: Are you ready to love yourself?

Relationship Coaching

Being in a relationship is hard. It’s even harder when illness or disability show up as a third wheel. It can make us feel as though we’re in a polyamorous relationship we didn’t agree to. Furthermore, navigating the balancing act of lover, best friend, and caregiver/caregivee isn’t easy.

My relationship coaching program will help focus on communication, understanding, and creating a solid foundation. While it sounds like this may only be good for new partners, it’s something that I continuously work on with my partner of over a decade. This works best with all partners involved but can still be helpful with one person.

Suggested text: Partners in Healing: Simple Ways to Offer Support, Comfort, and Care to a Loved One Facing Illness

Sex and Intimacy Coaching

Living with illness and disability isn’t easy in an abled world. Having a sex life is even harder.

Whether you’re struggling with sex and intimacy alone or with partners, this program can help you explore sex and sexuality more in-depth in a safe yet bold space. We’ll discuss accessibility needs, lubricants, sex toys and tools, communication, and more.

Suggested text: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness

Additional Coaching Topics

I’m happy to work with you on coaching around any topic you’re interested in, including the following:

  • Identity-related
  • BDSM/kink
  • Communication skills
  • Confidence in the bedroom
  • Patient advocacy
  • Speaking to children about disability and/or sexuality

Interested in Learning More?

Please fill out the interest form.

Abuse and Violence

First things first: Do you need help?

Unsure? Visit NCADV for warning signs – but note that the URL is obvious.

Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US.

If you are experiencing stalking, call 1-800- FYI-CALL.

The Network/La Red is a great resource for people in disabled, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, BDSM, polyamorous, and queer communities:
Voice: 617-742-4911 | Toll-Free: 800-832-1901 | TTY: 617-227-4911

Native American? Visit Strong Hearts Helpline or call 1-844-7NATIVE AKA 1-844-762-8483.

In the UK? Call 0808 2000 247 to reach the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline.

To find agencies that can help in other countries, visit HotPeachPages (not an obvious URL).

The following are great resources but have obvious URLs:

Motivations

Abuser
Can Abusers Change?
Abused

Types of Abuse

Sexual Abuse
Consent

Warning Signs

Abuse Cycle

Safety

Children
Pets
Accessibility Needs

Getting Support

Reporting

Leaving

Moving On

Adults Who Survived Child Abuse

General

Disability

Race & Ethnicity

LGBTQ+

Immigrants

Injustice

If you're purchasing a book (or a few!), consider doing so through Bookshop. As an affiliate with them, I get a little kickback - at no extra cost to you. Plus, they give proceeds to locally-owned bookstores to help them survive!

  • Family and Friends’ Guide to Domestic Violence by Elaine Weissman
  • He’s Just No Good for You: A Guide to Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship by Beth Wilson with Mo Therese Hannah
  • The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Lundy Bancroft and Jay G. Silverman
  • When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter
  • Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Please note: The majority of books links shared are Amazon affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links in this post at no additional cost to you.
{pink background with flowers and hamburgers; white text: it's cool if it's not your thing, just don't yuck someone else's yum :) }

Stop Kink-Shaming DT and Focus on Real Problems

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

In case you missed it, a recent news story broke involved DT hiring hookers for golden showers on a bed where the Obamas stayed in Russia. Cue kink-shaming and pee jokes galore. I’m rolling my eyes so hard that I’m worried about their health frankly.

I am beyond tired of the kink-shaming pee jokes friends. Knock it off. Some people like pee. Some like ropes or being dominated or babied. You don’t need to mock BDSM to hurt DT. You just don’t. As a sexuality educator, I won’t stand for it. Just because a kink instead your cup of tea doesn’t mean you get to shame.

Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.

What y’all need to be focused on is the racist issue behind this – on the bed where the Obamas slept.

But while y’all are distracted with making pee jokes and kink-shaming, DT is doing shit that will kill people. But, sure, let’s focus on golden showers instead of actions against POC, PWD, LGBT+, etc, or having literal Nazis supporting him and in his cabinet or calling out how the ACA repeal will kill millions of us or focusing on his Russian ties and the fact that we are all fucked.

We need more people who choose to do something productive with their social media presence right now. You can do that. We need people to use their power, privilege, following for good in this fight again fascism. Kink-shaming and sex-worker-shaming ain’t it. We need people to speak out about what doesn’t get the most attention – not DT’s tweets but policies, people, foreign involvement, etc.

When DT tweets, he does it in a specific way to make y’all get uppity about that instead of focusing on the real dangers. His latest question about Nazi Germany for example? Meant to throw you off of Russian involvement, Sessions’ confirmation hearing, and more. Stop taking the bait and start thinking for yourselves. Start reading those documents & reports and sharing your outrage. Read between the lines.

Be a leader.
Share real stories.

Shame people not for kinks or sex work but for Nazi beliefs and affiliations, making it dangerous for sex workers and others to live safe lives, how people are being silenced and attacked viciously by DT and his supporters, treason, effectively plotting the deaths of the disabled and LGBT+ and people of color – you have a lot to choose from here.

Get your priorities straight.

This country needs every voice to speak out on these things. We are ‘Stronger Together’ and we can stop some of this. We just have to grow up a bit here and stop focusing on the wrong things.

Milwaukee SHARE

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Last week, I was honored to be able to attend some of the Milwaukee SHARE sessions. If you’re unfamiliar with SHARE, it stands for Sexual Health and Relationship Education. It is run by Tool Shed Toys, one of the most progressive and educational sex shops in the nation.

On Monday, April 4, I was able to attend their Health Care Providers Day.

The first session was “Talking About Senior Sex with Joan Price.” Joan is AMAZING.

One of the biggest takeaways from her session that I had was how sexual dysfunction can be related to non-sexual medical issues such as heart disease. Your physician should give you a full body exam when you present with sexual dysfunction symptoms instead of telling you to just use more lube.

Lube is always great, though.

Joan suggested sharing with your physician the following if you present with a sexual issue: “My sexuality is important to me.” Discuss how these issues affect your quality of life.

She also suggested creating an Advanced Sexual Directive. Many nursing homes and other assisted-living facilities have rules against sex and sexuality. Making sure that you have such a directive in place can help you to enjoy life should you need to live in such a place.

The second session Making Your Practice Transgender Friendly with Ashley Altadonna and Hudson P. of Tool Shed Toys.

This was a very useful session. I learned a lot about my own sexuality. Gender expression, for instance, was not a term I had heard of. It simply means the outward appearance a person chooses to give off and how that may tie into their gender identity.

I also learned some heavy statistics – 41% of transgender people are likely to have suicidality. Transgender patients are outed at doctor appointments, denied treatments, and treated horribly by physicians who don’t agree with their patients’ lives.

So much for the Hippocratic oath.

The third session Compassionate Care for Kinky People with Sophia Chase. Sophia is a dominatrix and rents out dungeon room for safe play. She’s also a sex educator and super cool human being.

I would like to be her best friend honestly.

She discussed the need for physicians to understand the difference between BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) and abuse.

Sophia has lupus and also discussed how many people with chronic illness or pain get involved in BDSM at some level. There is an attractiveness to controlling some pain we receive.

I definitely see it after that session.

There are great communication and negotiation techniques utilized in BDSM that I think we can all learn from as well. More to come on that in the next few months.

The fourth session Ready, Sexy, Able: Sex and Disability with Robin Mandell (whom I credited in our chat questions last week as Robin Marshall – oops!).

We are not that far removed from asylums and other demeaning institutions. Some of the worst ones only closed in the mid-1990s.

Many of the group homes we have today aren’t great either.

Women with disabilities especially have low sexual/self-esteem and are more likely to be abused.

I really enjoyed some of the definitions Robin included in her presentation. The one I enjoyed the most was the definition of intimacy: caring, sharing, loving, vulnerability, trust, self-disclosure, risk-taking.

She also shared the following resources (which will go up on our resources page shortly):

  • Through the Looking Glass
  • Rocking the Cradle
  • Disabled Parenting Project
  • How I Became A Human Being
  • The Sexual Respect Toolkit
  • Sexuality & Access Project

To check out more information from the week-long set of sessions, visit Milwaukee SHARE’s Twitter page or their hashtags from the events:

  • #sharekickoff
  • #sharehcp
  • #sharesexgeek
  • #sharesrsex
  • #shareupdate
  • #sharesecrets
  • #shareplay
  • #sharethelove
  • #shareporn