S3E1: Dr. Lee Phillips

Yesterday, I spoke with Dr. Lee Phillips. He’s a licensed social worker and sex therapist currently working on a book called ‘Sex and Love When You Are Sick’ (which I am SO EXCITED ABOUT).

You can keep up with Dr. Phillips below:
Site: www.drleephillips.com
IG: instagram.com/drleephillips
FB: facebook.com/drleephillips

If you heard the first part of the episode and want to help me out a bit, here are a few links for that:
Target list
Amazon list
Paypal
Patreon
Ko-fi
Cash app: $chronicsex
Venmo: chronicsex

You can also support the show by buying merch on Zazzle or shopping from one of my affiliates listed on the sidebar.

I’m also booking talks for the rest of the year. Please shoot me a note at kirsten at chronicsex dot org if you wanna book me! The topics I cover are listed here, and I’m always happy to create anything from writing to podcasts.

Transcript

Welcome to the chronic sex podcast! Chronic sex talks about how self love, relationships, sex, and sexuality are all affected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Given the range of subject matter, this podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and unless you have headphones in, you probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.

Continue reading “S3E1: Dr. Lee Phillips”

S2E14: Mari of Sick Sad World

a black background with bright swirly lines and text: Chronic Sex Podcast | Season 2, Episode 14 | Mari of Sick Sad World

Today, I’m talking with Mari. They are a writer, podcaster, and model living in Toronto. We talk about their spooky podcast, Sick Sad World, and how it got started. Like all great conversations, we touch on languages, colonialism, bullying, and the hope we both have in the younger generation.

Make sure to check out their site, Indivisible Writing, and their Twitter. You can listen to Sick Sad World here (or wherever you catch your pods) and stay in the loop by following the show’s Twitter account. Consider supporting Mari & Jasmine’s work on Sick Sad World on Patreon.

Pieces mentioned in the show:

Oh! And don’t forget to take this survey on chronic pain & kink!

Continue reading “S2E14: Mari of Sick Sad World”

Your How-to Guide to Playing with a Disabled Kinkster

More people living with chronic pain, illness, and disabilities are getting into kink and BDSM. There are so many reasons, ranging from relieving pain to owning our bodies to fun. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that half of all adult Americans have one or more chronic illnesses which could be disabling.

With so many people using kink with health issues, it’s important to be aware of the best practices for playing with people like me.

Read the full article on Kink Weekly.

S2E12: The Problem with Woodhull and Tantus

TW discussion of sterilization, and mentions of rape and incest.

photo of a person sitting on a dimly lit street with their back turned against a white background - the background has black text - Season 2, Episode 12 - The Problem with Woodhull & Tantus

Today, I’m rambling about the Woodhull Foundation and Tantus – and how they’ve messed up big time.

And, finally, on a happy note: Kate over at Girly Juice wrote a great post about the 25 Sex Educators/Writers of Color You Should Follow Right Now.

PS my sound gets crappy. I’m not sure why, but I’m going to look at a new mic today.

Transcript

Welcome, so the chronic sex podcast, chronic sex talks about how self love relationships, sex and sexuality are all affected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Given the range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and unless you have headphones You probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.

Continue reading “S2E12: The Problem with Woodhull and Tantus”

S2E11: Amy of Coffee And Kink

Today, I’m joined by my friend Amy. She writes at coffeeandkink.me. You can find her cute merch at http://coffeeandkink.me/merchandise-shop/ and her Patreon at patreon.com/coffeeandkink. Please check below for other links to check out on her site:

The disabled kinkster guest piece we discussed: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/03/28/disabled-kinkster-pippin-strange/

Amy’s Smutathon: http://coffeeandkink.me/2018/06/29/smutathon-2018/

Dr. Emma Sheppard’s work: https://ladylikepunk.wordpress.com/

Some health updates and my latest newsletter: eepurl.com/dGeXgL
TeePublic store: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/chronic-sex

Transcript

Welcome, so the chronic sex podcasts, chronic sex talks about how self love relationships, sex and sexuality are all effected by chronic illness and disability. That’s not all though. We’ll also touch on intersectionality, social justice, empathy, current events, and much, much more. Give you a range of subject matter. This podcast is not suitable for those under the age of 18 and Melissa had. You probably shouldn’t be listening to us at work. My name’s Kirsten Schultz and I’m your host.

Continue reading “S2E11: Amy of Coffee And Kink”

SSC is Ableist – Let’s Use RACK Instead

TW saneism, ableism

photo of a long haired person looking away from the camera with black text: SSC is Ableist - Let's Use RACK Instead and Chronic Sex

There is one well-known tenet in the BDSM and kink world – all parties must give consent. That said, there are a few different ideas around that consent. Two ways of talking about it are SSC and RACK. Today, we’re gonna look at both.

Definitions

Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC)

SSC is a long-standing term within kink communities. It means that acts should be safe, agreed to under a ‘sane’ frame of mind, and obviously should be consensual. The term came about in the early 1980s from the S&M scene’s David Stein.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

This term from the late 1990s came from Gary Switch who wanted to have a more fitting acronym for kink play. The idea of replacing safe with risk-aware acknowledges that safety is almost never ensured in anything we do. Instead, we should be aware of the risks before engaging in an activity. This is also why I’ve started to call ‘safe’ sex risk-aware sex instead. It’s just more accurate.

Other terms you might see:

  • Committed, Compassionate, Consensual (CCC)
  • Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK)
  • Communities may also have their own terms

Each of these alternate terms remove some of the stigma SSC was meant to fight without making false claims about safety. They also remove the ableist component present in SSC.

SSC is Ableist

I’m not sane. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD ensure that. There is no condition I will ever be in that makes me sane in body or mind. As someone who engages in kink to help my chronic pain and PTSD, I need a community that uses a more accurate and compassionate term.

I hesitate to think who I would be without my chronic pain or mental health issues. What I can say is I’d likely not be involved in kink. I’m definitely not alone in that.

We’ve all grown so much since SSC came about. Hell, I wasn’t even born! We should be growing the terms we use for our communities, too. In an age where we’re focused on highlighting marginalized voices, can we really afford alienating some because we don’t want to use a new term? I don’t think so.

No Shouldn’t Need An Explanation

photo of a femme with orange hair in the mountains; they have their eyes closed and have their left hand on the back of their head in contemplation; to the right of the photo is white space with teal text: "No Shouldn't Need An Explanation" and "Chronic Sex" - this piece is about a play party

I recently went to my first play party. I had a really fun time but struggled with something I don’t think should’ve happened.

Wait, what’s a play party?

A play party, for those who don’t know, can also be called an orgy. In my opinion, that’s a really limited view of what happens. It’s a social event that can involve kink, BDSM, and sexual activity. Attendees can spend time catching up or participate in play going on.

Sometimes this can be limited by requiring a membership, being in the know, etc. Since we were at a sexuality conference, I knew or at least knew of most people who were there. A couple I had met briefly the day before was really the only exception. I felt safe and comfortable, although slightly nervous about being at my first event.

Setting the scene

Being unsure about being in the middle of my first play party, I hung towards the back for a while. I’m an ambivert but find myself going more introverted in situations that are new to me.

The couple I’d recently met spent time with me and I found them pleasant to talk with. The husband asked if he could flirt with me which I was fine with, though I didn’t feel he was actually flirting with me. Everyone has a different definition of flirting and I’ve found a lot of people think that’s pleasant conversation versus compliments, etc.

He then asked if I was interested in anything else. I explained that I’m really new to this and want to take things slowly. Other than impact play that I’ve done before and flirting, I wasn’t really interested in doing more at this play party. While I shouldn’t have needed to explain, I did – it’s something I do even for the smallest things. Growing up in an abusive household, I needed an explanation for the tiniest things.

Eventually, I went over and was talking to friends and spending time with them. We were getting closer to the end of the party. After they talked together, the wife of this couple came over to proposition me. The husband was watching and it felt… slimy-ish? I said no thanks, that I wasn’t in that sort of place right now.

Within 20 minutes, the two of them came up to me together after again conferring. I was invited back to their room but declined the invitation. At this point, I began to get uncomfortable. The husband pushed further asking if I would be interested in watching them play together in their room, etc. I once again explained that I wasn’t ready for those kinds of things.

I did then participate in play a little right at the end of the night. A friend flogged me and it was so amazing. This couple was very intently watching, but I was able to shake my feelings about that once the flogging started.

The aftermath

The next morning, I presented a panel which went super well. As I was packing up to head to grab some food, the husband approached me again to apologize for the night before. He blamed it on alcohol… which essentially blamed this all on his wife because he doesn’t drink.

If I hadn’t already felt awkward about the situation, that definitely did it. I’ve already been groomed to be a people pleaser, so telling these people no in the first place was hard. To have to do it at a conference full of sex educators was odd as well, even if the couple involved were there because of friends and not for their jobs.

Rooming with amazing people, I was able to talk through some of my feelings that day. None of us felt great about that. I am very lucky to have had other amazing chronically ill sex educators to room with who completely got why I felt iffy about the whole thing.

They then followed me across social media, tried to add me on FB, and sent me a few messages. By they, I, of course, mean the husband from joint social accounts. I was honestly concerned that I was going to run into them at my workshop a few weeks later back in Toronto because of that, but they didn’t come to that.

I’ve now blocked them on everything (as far as I know) so I feel safer discussing this. I’ve also had time to talk to my therapist and my friends to process this.

Play parties respect boundaries

I think the biggest thing I’m struggling with is the lack of recognition and respect for my boundaries. It’s a new feeling since boundaries are something I didn’t grow up with. To go from having no boundaries growing up or even minimal boundaries ten years ago to trusting my instincts here? That’s really big for me.

No shouldn’t need an explanation. It especially shouldn’t need one at a play party that’s a safe space and full of other educators and sex-positive people. And I shouldn’t have to say no several times. Pressuring someone into sexual activity is not okay, ever.

If someone has said no to you about taking part in sexual activity with them, do not ask again.

My Favorite Things of 2017

dark background with someone holding a sprinkler is outlined in yellow; white text "My Favorite Things of 2017" and "Chronic Sex"

It’s been a bit of a shit year, hasn’t it? The only thing that’s saved it, for me, is that I’m motivated to keep fighting the bullshit constantly coming down the pike. Taking everything into account, these are my favorite things from 2017.

Goods, Services, and Experiences

Delightful Cycle
My high school pal Alex’s company Delightful Cycle really took off this year. In this guest post, she highlights why she chose to start a menstruation-related subscription box – and her own struggles with health issues. Since then, she’s started shipping internationally! If I still had regular periods, you best believe I’d sign up.

Caragold Premium Lube
I have to say I’m pretty bummed. I love this CBD-infused lube from Good Clean Love… but they seem to not be making it anymore. It’s sold out on a lot of sites now, too. I’ve tried to look to see why, but haven’t found any answers. If you search, you can still find this in some stores, but it’s not easy to find. It’s a shame because this lube is very helpful for pain related to sex.

Flogging
One of my favorite things about attending conferences this year was learning more about BDSM/kink and having the opportunity to try some things out. The biggest benefit I saw? My year-long fibromyalgia flare stopped after trying flogging. Really. Whenever my fibro acts up, I take out my flogger and practice some self-flagellation and I’m good within a few hours.

#MeToo (kinda?)
There are problems with the MeToo movement as practiced right now, especially because so much of the focus is on famous white cishet women. I’m grateful that conversations are happening around sexual violence, but also upset at the lack of intersectionality within them… and how people who support survivors as a whole question individual stories.

Talkspace
Because of the prevalence of MeToo and discussions about harassment and sexual violence, Talkspace decided to give away three months of free therapy to survivors. I’m lucky enough to be one of the recipients and it’s been a life-changer. I still skirt around issues because I’m great at that, but being able to text my therapist? Amazing!

Doxy Massager and Queen Bee
My two favorite sex toys this year are the Doxy Massager and Queen Bee. Both of these are easy to use, provide amazing vibrations, and can also be super effective general body massagers. There’s a reason why my neck pain isn’t as bad as it was earlier this year, and these toys are certainly a part of it.

University of Guelph Sexuality Conference
I had such an amazing time at the Guelph Sexuality Conference this year. It was the first sexuality conference I’ve attended and it was the best. The research presented was so affirming to the work I do. The companies there talking with people – like Come As You Are – were the most fun to talk to. On top of that, I got to meet some of my absolute favorites like Eva of What’s My Body Doing. Plus, come on, it’s in Canada!

Planet Fitness
I was on the fence about joining PF at first. After taking the tour of the local one, though, I really liked it. There’s no pressure like I’ve felt at other gyms. I’ve gone from only doing physical therapy exercises at home to working out 4-6 times a week. It’s so easy to go, give it my all, and leave.

Bloggers, Writing, and Research

KLB Research
Dr. Karen Blair conducts a lot of research about sexuality. As a college student, Blair was unable to find queer-inclusive research – so now that’s her focus. So many studies are cisheteronormative, so it’s refreshing to see someone addressing the needs of the LGBT+ community.

Formidable Femme
Sarah is one of my favorite people. She talks very openly about being an abuse survivor, pleasure as resistance, mental health, and more. These are conversations that we have to be having.

Hedonish
It’s no secret that Rachael is one of my favorite people on this earth. Hell, we’re business partners! She talks openly about how difficult it is to live with chronic illnesses that affect her sex life. Vulva pain can be incredibly alarming and she handles it so well.

JoEllen Notte
JoEllen is one of the first sex bloggers I ever met. I got to go to dinner with her, Stella Harris, and Kate Kenfield in Portland last year and just couldn’t believe this is my life. Every time I see her, JoEllen brings warmth and frankness to discussions of introversion, sex, and depression.

Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life 
Elle Chase‘s latest book is one of the best I’ve ever read. One of the things I love the most is that she goes through basic sex education information, accessibility, and more. It’s really a one-stop-shop for knowledge we should all have, regardless of our curves. Check out my review.

Patients & Providers
Micah and my friend Charlie started curating a series of posts on health care and transgender/gender nonconforming people called Transgender Health: Patients & Providers. It’s been a great read! Topics covered so far include gender in research, finding trans-friendly providers, mental health, and more.

Affiliates

Look, I love all my affiliates. I really do. Still, there are some I would jump through any hoop for.

Amazon
I just added Amazon as an affiliate, so I’m not sure how things will go. That said, I’m really excited to bring you the collection of my favorite things.

Vibrant
It’s no secret that Vibrant is my absolute favorite. On top of providing amazing information and education, they only sell body-safe toys. They also donate all their proceeds to the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains, a cause near and dear to my heart. I volunteered with PP in Oregon when I was a high schooler and have been a big supporter of theirs ever since.

Liberty Lotion
I haven’t posted a review of Liberty Lotion products here but have at Not Standing Still’s Disease. Their products are incredible for pain relief. Their CBD lotion smells amazing and provides a calming and cooling comfort. Their tincture is good, too. I need to try more of their stuff!

CS in the Press

News & Articles About Chronic Sex:

Pieces I’ve Written Related to Chronic Sex:

Appearances

Sexual Side Effects of Medications

photo of a person with a dark bob haircut in a white tee; they are looking down with their hair covering their eyes; a black box under has white text "Sexual Side Effects of medications " and "Chronic Sex"

October is National Talk About Prescriptions Month here in the US.

It’s important to be mindful of the medications we’re on. I often hear from patients who don’t know about the options they have for medications, let alone things like patient assistance programs. Many pharmaceutical companies will help you gain access to their medications in addition to staff familiar with various issues you might run into. One of the things I’ve found them most useful for is discussing side effects and how to handle them.

Side effects aren’t discussed as often as they should be. When I was going untreated for my arthritis, I was made to fear all the side effects listed during pharmaceutical commercials. When I started medications, then, I was understandably quite nervous. I would cry reading the pamphlets that came with my biologics and wonder how long it would be before I experienced a major medical event because of them.

As time went on, I became more comfortable learning and talking about side effects. Part of it was that I learned more in general, like how even vitamins can have side effects. I also do a lot of nerdy research, read journal articles and studies, and talk to people who have been in or helped run clinical trials. There is an art to discussing and reporting side effects.

Why don’t we talk more about side effects?

In general, we don’t talk enough about side effects we may be embarrassed about. It makes sense. Stigma clouds our responses, making us more timid to speak up. We don’t talk about how medications can change our bowel and bladder habits, for example. Everything thinks talking about poop is gross or that Depend products are only for the elderly. Reality is much different.

The biggest area we don’t talk about is sex and sexuality. As a society, we inject sex into everything from burger commercials to hidden jokes in children’s movies. Despite being bombarded by sex, we really don’t talk about it. Even our sexual education system is lacking in current, agenda-free information. That becomes even more true for marginalized groups like disabled and chronically fabulous people.

One thing we absolutely must start doing is discussing sexual side effects of medications we take. Sex is a natural part of the human experience, just like disability. To help start the conversation, I’ve pulled side effects of commonly used medications for various categories. I’ve removed the actual names, but will also share further down how you can look up your medications.

Possible sexual side effects of common medications

ADHD medications

  • Increased UTIs

Alzheimer’s medications

  • Increased UTIs

Anti-anxiety

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Difficulty orgasming

Antibiotics

  • Yeast infection
  • Vaginitis
  • Vulvovaginal disorder

Anticonvulsants

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection

Antidepressants

  • Long-lasting and painful erections
  • Difficulty orgasming
  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Decreased genital sensation
  • Difficulty getting aroused, getting or maintaining an erection, or ejaculating
  • Vaginal bleeding
  • Increase in UTIs
  • Breast discharge
  • Vaginitis

Antifungals

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection

Anti-histamines and allergy medications

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting aroused
  • Decreased genital sensation
  • Difficulty getting or keeping an erection
  • Increased UTIs

Anti-hypertensives

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Difficulty orgasming
  • Difficulty ejaculating
  • Long-lasting and painful erections
  • Difficulty getting aroused

Antiretrovirals

These medications are utilized to treat HIV and AIDS.

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, arousal

Asthma and COPD medications

  • Yeast infections
  • Painful menstrual cramps
  • Increased UTIs

Cancer medications

  • Increased UTIs
  • Breast enlargement in males
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Difficulty getting arousal
  • Nipple pain
  • Swollen testicles
  • Breast inflammation
  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Bladder spasm
  • Testicular pain

Congestive Heart Failure medications

  • Decreased libido
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Breast enlargement in males

Diabetes medications

  • Increased UTIs

Diuretics

  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection

DMARDs (rheumatic diseases)

Disease-Modifying Anti-Rheumatic Drugs (DMARDs) is a category that encompasses a wide variety of medications. As such, this list looks a little different than the one above. Let’s go medication by medication.

  • Methotrexate: vaginal dryness, fertility issues, decreased libido
  • Prednisone: decreased libido
  • Hydroxychloroquine: difficulty getting aroused/erections
  • Sulfasalazine: difficulty getting aroused/erections, reversible fertility issues
  • Cytoxan: fertility issues
  • Biologics and Biosimilars haven’t really been researched enough to really say what any long-term side effects are, especially on sexy things

Heartburn medications

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection

Mood disorder medications

  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Long-lasting, painful erections
  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty ejaculating
  • Difficulty orgasming
  • Increased UTIs
  • Vaginitis
  • Breast enlargement and pain

Muscle relaxers and nerve damage medications

  • Difficulty orgasming
  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Difficulty ejaculating
  • Inability to achieve orgasm
  • Pelvic pain
  • Enlarged breasts
  • Inflammation in the foreskin and head of the penis
  • Swollen cervix
  • Pain during sexual activity

Multiple Sclerosis medications

  • Yeast infections
  • Missed periods
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Breakthrough bleeding
  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Breast enlargement
  • Long-lasting, painful erections
  • Swelling in the urethra

NSAIDs

Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medications are things like ibuprofen, naproxen, and other (possibly over-the-counter) pain relievers.

  • Increase in UTIs
  • Difficulty getting aroused
  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Urinary incontinence
  • Vaginitis
  • Fertility issues

Osteoporosis medications

  • Vaginitis
  • Increased UTIs
  • Endometrial pain

Sleeping medications

  • Decreased libido or interest in sex
  • Breast enlargement
  • Vaginitis
  • Swelling of the urethra
  • Increased UTIs

Statins

  • Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection
  • Difficulty getting aroused

Didn’t find your medication category listed?

If you’re curious to find out more about sexual side effects, there is a relatively easy way to go about it.

I use Drugs.com to look up medications. I’ve just always found it the easiest site to use for any med-related research. You can see variants on pills, look up interactions, and more!

The problem is a lot of sexual side effects aren’t listed on the patient/consumer page. For the most info, you’ll have to scroll down to the section labeled “For Healthcare Professionals.” Look for things in the category ‘Genitourinary.’

It’s okay if what’s listed isn’t easily understandable. Googling a word is always acceptable.

What do you do if you think one of your medications is causing sexual side effects?

The most important thing to do is bring up your concerns with a physician. This could either be the prescribing physician (i.e., rheumatologist), primary care doctor, or a health care provider specializing in that area (i.e., gynecologist).

Before you bring it up, though, it may help to track some information. I always feel better when I can show my health care team what I’m talking about.

I find it best to keep track of symptoms. It always helps when we have data to backup what we say, even if it’s basic. You could do something like write down each time you have difficulty becoming aroused. You could go super nerdy, too, and plot things like vulvar pain in Excel. Plot points tend to do better when you can create a numerical value for what you’re plotting, so keep that in mind.

You can then look at if the medication is helping you, other medications you could try, or ways to combat the effects you’re dealing with. There isn’t always a way to get off a prescription or switch to a different one, and that can be hard to deal with.

The key is to figure out what is most important to you and work within your wants and needs.

Were you surprised by anything?

I know I was! The Lyrica I’ve been on for years sits in the muscle relaxers and nerve damage medication category. In fact, that’s what the last few side effects really reference. As someone going through pelvic floor therapy for pelvic pain and spasms, I was surprised to see that this medication might be contributing to this problem. Since this is a relatively new issue, I don’t believe Lyrica caused this for me. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t play a role.

The tough thing is that Lyrica is the only thing that really helps me medically to lower my fibromyalgia pain. Since I work for myself now (and know flogging helps me), maybe it’s a good time to consider lowering my dose.