Search Results for: bdsm

Why BDSM could allow anyone disabled to enjoy sex

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Have you ever considered BDSM – bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism? For some people, it’s not something they want to even entertain the idea of. But, practices inspired by it could help to liberate anyone disabled and unable to enjoy sex in a conventional way. Francesca from inclusive sex aid website, The Pleasure Garden, explains all.

Go read more on Disability Horizons

BDSM Helps Me Manage My ADHD

Posted on by Guest

a white person with brown hair and a white-out type of effect over their eyes with black text: "BDSM Helps Me Manage My ADHD" - middle bottom, white text "Chronic Sex"

In the kind of synchronicity that life throws sometimes throws at us, with in the same 12-month period I received a diagnosis of ADHD and both started and ended my first BDSM relationship with a Dominant partner. Coming in my early 40’s after a lifetime of underachievement in work and education, and overall bewilderment when it came to matters of the heart, the realisation that I was both kinky and neurodivergent has reshaped my life, and I’ve been fascinated to watch the interplay between the two.

Many people have stereotyped ideas about ADHD. The poster child for the condition will be a young boy who can’t keep still or quiet and has a surplus of energy, much to the irritation of those around him. The focus is very much still on the hyperactivity aspect, and less on the more internal aspects of the syndrome. It’s still less widely understood than it should be that ADHD is just as much about what’s going on inside as the behaviours that are visible externally.

As a young girl, I certainly didn’t fit the stereotype of the hyperactive Ritalin kid. I was talkative amongst friends but generally shy and dreamy. That tends to be the case with girls, which has led in the past to them being underdiagnosed in comparison to their male classmates. As I grew older, my difficulties in school led to patchy exam grades and dropping out of university. That was accompanied by depression, anxiety, disordered eating and eventually alcoholism – all of which are commonly co-morbid with ADHD.

Continue reading “BDSM Helps Me Manage My ADHD” →

BDSM-Kink Online Survey

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

Do you have experience with BDSM/Kink sexuality (e.g., role play, bondage, dominance, discipline, S&M, eroticized pain and/or power play)?

Renae Mitchell and Charlene Muehlenhard at the University of Kansas are looking for volunteers to fill out an online survey about how people communicate in sexual encounters that involve BDSM/Kink sexuality.

They are looking for individuals

  • who are age 18 or over,
  • who have had at least two sexual encounters that involved BDSM/kink experiences and/or eroticized pain or power play, and
  • who are interested in filling out a short (less than 30-minute) anonymous online survey.

This study is being conducted as graduate student research at the University of Kansas and has been approved by the university’s institutional review board (IRB).

If you are interested in filling out a survey about your experiences with BDSM/Kink sexuality, click here.

Completion of the survey indicates your willingness to take part in this study and that you are at least 18 years old. If you have any additional questions about your rights as a research participant, you may call (785) 864-7429 or write the Human Subjects Committee Lawrence Campus (HSCL), University of Kansas, 2385 Irving Hill Road, Lawrence, Kansas 66045-7563, email irb@ku.edu. Additionally, you can reach Renae at rcmitchell@ku.edu or Charlene at charlene@ku.edu.

What BDSM Can Teach The Chronic Illness Community

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

beige block on left side of square and right side has a photo of a feminine person with a black mask over their eyes and they are sticking their left pointer finger in their mouth, showing off their tongue and simple band on ring finger; on left, beige text in various black text boxes: "What BDSM Can Teach The Chronic Illness Community"; black text at middle "chronic sex"

BDSM (Bondage/Discipline and Dominance/Submission and Sadism/Masochism) winds up being very misunderstood.

People who don’t quite understand the whole scene think all sorts of things about those who are into it – it involves abuse, etc. Even health care professionals don’t get it, except some really great ones.

One of the things that many don’t know is how central consent is to the scene.

A LOT of conversation happens around these issues. People discuss sensations, actions, inactions, words, and more. Aftercare, which I’ll touch on later, is also discussed. These negotiations can take a few hours or a few minutes, depending on familiarity with each other, the scene, and other factors. It’s almost always longer when people first start playing together, though.

Checklists to go over what might be on your yes/no/maybe list are plenty and you can check out an example here.

Code words

Code words or safe words are something people usually know about BDSM. A safe word is a way to stop a scene/playtime. This can have varying stages, which is why I’ve written code words here.

You have words that can completely stop and mean we move right to aftercare. You may have words that ask for things to stop and for a check-in. You might also have words that signal you’re having a damn good time. It all depends on the negotiation process and those involved.

I use code words/phrases all the time. In fact, a lot of us do but don’t always call them that. We may say we are out of some unit of energy or running low on battery. When I was able to hike, the hubs and I came up with a term that would signal I needed to turn back. Since we’re history nerds, we used ‘bingo fuel’ which was the point where pilots only had enough fuel to get back to base and needed to turn around.

Even something as simple as saying “It needs to be a pizza night because I can’t cook right now” can be a code phrase.

Aftercare

BDSM can be very emotional, not unlike how some of the chronic illness/disability sexual experiences. Aftercare is a must.

It looks different for everyone but can include treating potential wounds, tea, snuggling, a check-in call the next day, and more.

Interested in learning more?

If you would like to explore what kinks may be right for you, you can take this test or check out the checklist I mentioned above. Before you get into the scene, you may want to check in with education-based sex shops in your area to see if they know of any events or classes. You can create an account on Fetlife to see what might be happening in your area as well.

I highly suggest reading more about BDSM before you get involved, though. It can be really great. Additionally, you may want to visit Lady Sophia, a dominatrix and sex educator in Chicago, who offers classes on various aspects of BDSM.

Kink & BDSM

a person wearing fishnet stockings and cuffs holds their hands behind their back

The Basics

a person stands ready to be flogged while another holds out the flogger

What does BDSM stand for?

Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

  • Bondage: a form of restricting someone’s movement via tools (e.g., rope)
  • Discipline: a series of agreed-upon rules, punishments, and protocols; usually utilized in D/s situations, but not always
  • Dominance: the act of dominating a partner, whether sexually or not; the control the dominant person has can be occasional, regular, during sex only, without sex, or even up to 24/7
  • Submission: the act of submitting to a partner, whether sexually or not; the submission this person gives can be occasional, regular, during sex only, without sex, or even up to 24/7
  • Sadism: pleasure from inflicting pain
  • Masochism: pleasure from receiving pain
    • “Receiving pain isn’t as much about D/s for me as it is about sharpening sensation so I can get out of my head and be present in the moment,” wrote one gay woman. “It feels like turning off my brain, and grounding myself, via my body.” (link)
  • Sadomasochism: those who enjoy giving and receiving pain (link)

Please note: The majority of books links shared are Amazon affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links in this post at no additional cost to you.

Some You May Know

Bondage

General

Specific

  • Merinthophilia: being turned on by tying someone up or being tied up
  • Mummification: one participant is wrapped in a material like plastic wrap or duct tape, either partially or fully
  • Suspension: bondage that also involves being hung from the ceiling or another object by bondage
  • Vincilagnia: aroused by bondage, whether seeing it, being tied, or tying

Breeding and Other Cum-Centric Kinks

  • Impregnation fetish: aroused by the thought of pregnancy, enjoying unprotected sex due to risk
  • Maiesiophilia: sexual interest in a pregnant person or someone who looks pregnant
  • Creampie: love of cumming inside of your partner or receiving cum inside from your partner
  • Cuckolding: usually focused on cishet couples where the man enjoys watching his partner be fucked by another man; sometimes may include eating the cum out of her vagina or fucking her using the other man’s cum as lube
  • Cumslut: someone who loves cum; they might like to be cum on, filled with cum, or use it in other ways

Communication

Dirty Talk: using explicit words to talk about sexual activity

Gag: putting a device in or over someone’s mouth to stop them speaking; can be cloth or a ball gag

Control

Orgasm Control: taking control over when, how, and even if someone will have an orgasm

Femdom: sometimes known as a dominatrix, a woman who is in the top or dominating position

Pain

Faceslapping: being turned on by being slapped or slapping someone else in the face

Impact Play

General

Flogging: hitting someone with an instrument such as a whip or flogger; also known as flagellation but not commonly

SM and Impact Play

Caning: hitting someone with a cane, rod, or switch

Spanking: hitting a bum with a hand or other instruments

Role Play

Sensation Play

Sensation Play is a way of stimulating the body senses to heighten gratification; tools that might be used include feathers, blindfolds, ice, oils, etc.

  • Temperature play: playing with items of various temperatures such as ice (ice play)
  • Sensory Deprivation: removing body senses (e.g., using a blindfold)

Wax Play: a type of sensation play involving using hot wax.

Watching

Worship

Others

  • Fisting: penetrating an ass or vagina with a hand
  • Double Penetration: the act of someone with a vagina being penetrated anally and vaginally at the same time by any mix of partners and/or toys
    • Double Vaginal Penetration (DVP): inserting two penises and/or objects into the vagina

Others You May (or may not) Know

Age Play

Age play is "a form of roleplay and/or power exchange between consenting adults, in which one or both participants play as an age different than their biological age. AgePlay can be sexual or non-sexual. AgePlay usually involves an individual pretending to be younger than they are, though that is not always the case." (link)

Age play does NOT involve harming minors in any way.

Bodies & What Come Out Of Them

Bodies
  • Acomoclitic: attraction to hairless genitalia
  • Odaxelagnia: turned on by biting or being bitten
  • Partialism: an obsession for a specific part of the body
  • Pygophilia: attraction to bums; can involve stroking, licking, or worshipping
  • Quirofilia: a fetish for hands
  • Stigmatophilia: aroused by tattoos or piercings
  • Trichophilia: obsession with human hair
Fluids, etc.
  • Hematolagnia: arousal from blood
    • Menophilia: menstrual blood
  • Hygrophilia: getting turned on by bodily fluids
  • Olfactophilia: arousal by smells and odors emanating from the body
  • Scatophilia (coprophilia): arousal to feces or poop
  • Watersports (urophilia): piss play, such as golden showers

Clothing & Shoes
  • Altocalciphilia: turn on by high heels
  • Bootblacking: polishing and caring for someone's leather boots or shoes

  • Crossdressing: people who get excited when they or their partner wear clothes typical of the ‘opposite sex’
  • Latex or rubber fetish: gratification from PVC, latex, rubber, etc.
  • Retifism: attraction to shoes or other footwear
  • Thesauromania: obsession with women’s clothing, especially underwear

Edge Play

Acts that are considered more dangerous

  • Breath Play: limiting someone’s ability to breathe; also known as Erotic Asphyxiation
    • Choking: restricting breath by applying pressure to the throat, either using hands or another implement such as a scarf; doing so safely requires focusing not on crushing the windpipe but on restricting the blood flow to the brain via pressure specifically on the carotid arteries
  • Fire play: becoming aroused by fire; can include cupping, burning alcohol off the skin, or more

  • Knife Play: enjoying having knives nearby, having knives run over skin, being threatened with knives (consensually), or being cut

  • Needle Play: scratching or piercing with needles brings on arousal

Fear

  • Hybristophilia: attraction to someone who has committed a horrible crime (looking at you Bundy Babes)
  • Pecattiphilia: arousal from doing something considered sinful by your religion
  • Phobophilia: arousal from fear

Humiliation and Degradation Play

belittling, humiliating, and dirty talk aimed at lowering self-esteem; can also include physical degradation such as pulling someone around

Pain

Pet or Animal Play

Primal Play

Primal Play: a type of play where the dominant person is like a hunter and the sub like their prey; generally involves tapping into your basic primal and animalistic instincts, which can mean forgoing some of the more safety-focused ideas within greater BDSM; often leads to scratches, bruises, bites, etc.

Sensory

  • Amaurophilia: enjoying not being able to see during sexual activity
  • Frotting: rubbing penises or a penis and a clitoris together
  • Knismolagnia: turned on by being tickled
  • Spectrophilia: sexual attraction/relationships/encounters to or with ghosts
  • Tripsolagnophilia: arousal from a massage

Tools

  • Electrostimulation: applying electrical activity, especially to sensitive or erogenous zones
  • Feederism: feeding yourself or another person with the intention of weight gain; can include forced feeding, stuffing
  • Food play: any sexual practice involving food

    • Splooshing or wet and messy (WAM): arousal over wet, slimy, and/or sticky substances on the naked body - either as the person experiencing or viewing
  • Sounding: men enjoy inserting medical glass or metal tubes into the opening end of their penis to intensify sexual pleasure
  • Tentacles: yes, like hentai
  • Yeastiality: baked food risen with yeast such as bread

Used

  • Consensual nonconsent: a mutual agreement where one partner is able to act as if the other has waived all consent; the person in the bottom or sub role can be forced to comply; can include play that is adjacent to sexual assault

  • Face fucking: similar to oral sex, but the person receiving moves versus the giver moving their head

    • Cunnilingus: oral sex on a vagina
    • Fellatio: oral sex on a penis
  • Facesitting: one person sits on another’s face

    • Queening: when a woman sits on her partner’s face for pleasure

Watching, Hearing, or Sharing

  • Agoraphilia: outside sex
  • Agrexophilia: arousal by having other people know your sexual activity

    • Vicarphilia: sexual arousal from hearing about someone’s sexual exploits
  • Group Sex: sexual activity with more than two participants

    • Polyiterophilia: a preference for group sex
    • Triolism: arousal and preference for threesomes
  • Katoptronophilia: arousal from doing a sexual activity in front of a mirror
  • Mixophilia: arousal from (consensually) watching yourself and/or others engage in sexual acts

Others

  • Acrophilia: aroused by heights
  • Agalmatophilia: attraction to dolls
  • Aquaphilia: water, underwater
  • Robotism: attraction to robots, including the idea of fucking a robot
  • Trauma play: get sexually aroused recalling past trauma; can be very healing
  • Zoophilia: arousal over non-human animals; note that this does not involve action, or it would be bestiality

Additional kinks and fetishes can be found here.

Informed consent is vital to engaging in BDSM. This is not an optional topic. In fact, BDSM is more grounded in consent, understanding nuances around consent, and power dynamic sharing than most other forms of intimacy.

Consent

Ways to talk about consent

Before Engaging in Play

Negotiation
Limits

A soft limit is an activity that you might not enthusiastically choose to participate in but may be up to try further down the line or with the right partner, etc.

A hard limit is an activity that is absolutely non-negotiable and will not happen consensually.

Pain
Safety
Safewords

A safeword is a word, a phrase, or physical movement that signals to the person you’re playing with that you are not okay. You can also use safewords or codewords to state where you’re at during check-ins (e.g., still green). The most common form of safeword is the traffic light.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the period of time post-scene where you can connect with your partner and may need assistance, such as treating wounds.

The following articles are on Fetlife, meaning you would need a Fetlife account to read them.

Here a quick definition before we dive into roles. It'll help make some of these make more sense.

Brat: “I’m a brat, whether I’m topping or bottoming” (link)

Tops

A 'Top' is a term generally used to refer to the person in charge.

  • Service top: a top that acts according to what pleases their bottom (link)

  • Dom (masc) or Domme (fem): the person who has more control in a D/s relationship

    • Pleasure dom: “Dominating in order to do what you know will make the other person come hard, which is the turn on for myself.” (link)
  • Owner: can refer to a dom who is a master or someone who ‘owns’ a pet or animal
  • Soft/sweet/sensual sadist: someone who enjoys giving some pain, but not too much; may throw in caring things as well
  • Predator: hunts down the prey (primal play)
  • Brat tamer: “the dom who has to deal with the brat and usually punishes them for their disobedience” (link)
  • Daddy: It is a form of domming that incorporates “parental” behaviors: protecting, leading, exerting authority, being nurturing or caretaking, and also delivering scolding and punishments for misbehavior. (link)
  • Mommy: One “little girl” defined “mommy domme” as “where instead of a domme in the masochistic way, the domme takes on a more caring, nurturing role. Gentle femme domme, if you will.” (link)
  • Caregiver: a gender-neutral way to signal a parental role

Domspace: an altered state of mind a dom/me experiences.

Domdrop: all of the extra endorphins that a dom/me can experience have to dissipate sometime. This is what happens when they do.

Bottoms

A 'bottom' is generally the person who is not in charge.

  • Bossy bottom: a dominant role in the receiving position of play (link)
  • Bratty bottom: “ if you want to play with power and control, you’d better be prepared to make me do what you say” (link)
  • Power bottom: being dominant by guiding the scene but doing it from a bottoms perspective. (ie: telling top what to do, where to strike next while receiving the physical aspect of the scene) (link)
  • Service bottom: someone that acts in a way according to what brings their top the most pleasure
  • Pillow princess: someone who receives pleasure during sex but does not actively provide it (link)
  • Pet, animal: property of a master, acting in animalistic ways
  • Prey: is hunted by the predator in primal play
  • Pain slut: someone who enjoys being on the receiving end of pain and can’t get enough
  • Slave: a type of submissive that does not have many (or any) limits within their relationship, giving most (or all) of the control to their partner

  • Little Girl/Boi / Babygirl / Good Girl/Boi / Bad Girl/Boi: Usually described as part of a Daddy/little dynamic. “I identify as a babygirl,” wrote a femme lesbian. “I enjoy feeling cared for and cherished by my girlfriend, who identifies as a daddy. She provides a feeling of safety and security for me when in this role that I have never had with previous partners, and enjoys the feeling of nurturing me when we play.” (link)

Sub: the person giving up control in a D/s relationship

  • Service sub:  “I get pleasure from serving my dom in almost whatever way she wants me to” (link)
  • Subspace or Sub Space: generally refers to a state of mind where submissives experience a variety of feelings (depending on partner and play) including the release of endorphins; there are various levels of subspace that can make someone appear flighty, willing to please, shy, mischievous, less mindful or ‘with it,’ and even feral.

Subdrop, Sub Drop, Sub Rebound: what goes up must come down, right?

Switches

A switch (also known as vers or versatile) is someone who alternates between being a dominant and a submissive/top and a bottom/in charge and not in charge.

  • Pain switch: turned on by pain — giving it or receiving it; similar to sadomasochist (link)
  • Service switch: “I enjoy being of service as much as I enjoy being served.” (link)

Types of Relationships

Total Power Exchange
Caregiver/Little dynamic

Dominance

Submission

Communication

Handling Issues

Entering the Scene as a New Sub

Collars

The following articles are on Fetlife, meaning you would need a Fetlife account to read them.

Additional Resources

Benefits

Research

Doctor Visits

Race

Disability

Books

If you're purchasing a book (or a few!), consider doing so through Bookshop. As an affiliate with them, I get a little kickback - at no extra cost to you. Plus, they give proceeds to locally-owned bookstores to help them survive!

  • Better Bondage for Every Body by Evie Vane
  • Building the Team: Cooperative Power Dynamic Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera
  • Conquer Me: Girl-to-Girl Wisdom about Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires by Kacie Cunningham
    • This was the best book I have ever read about being submissive. Hands down.
  • Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires by Galen Fous
  • Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by Gloria and William Brame and Jon Jacobs
  • Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali
  • How to be a Happy and Healthy Submissive by Kate Kinsey
  • Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth about Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon
  • Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams
  • Kinktionary by Ignixia
  • Mastering Mind: Dominants with Mental Illness & Neurological Dysfunction and Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness & Neurological Dysfunction ed. Del Tashlin and Raven Kaldera
  • Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships, edited by Raven Caldera
  • Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella
  • Playing on the Edge: Sadomasichism, Risk, and Intimacy by Staci Newmahr
  • Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington
  • Ropes, Bondage, and Power: Power Exchange Books’ Resource Series by Lee Harrington
  • Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond by Lee Harrington
  • Sadomasochism and the BDSM Community in the United States by Stephen K. Stein
  • Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures, edited by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and Charles Moser
  • Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities by David M. Ortmann and Richard A. Sprott
  • The Loving Dominant by John Warren
  • The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella
  • The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori
  • The Toybag Guide to Age Play by Lee Harrington
  • The Toybag Guide to Basic Rope Bondage by Jay Wiseman
  • The Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning by Janet Hardy
  • The Toybag Guide to Clips and Clamps by Jack Rinella
  • The Toybag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies by Jay Wiseman
  • The Toybag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay by Miranda Austin and Sam Atwood
  • The Toybag Guide To Foot And Shoe Worship by Midori
  • The Toybag Guide to High-Tech Toys by John Warren
  • The Toybag Guide to Hot Wax and Temperature Play by Spectrum
  • The Toybag Guide to Medical Play by Tempest
  • The Toybag Guide to Playing with Taboo by Mollena Williams
  • Thinking Kink: The Collision of BDSM, Feminism and Popular Culture by Catherine Scott
  • Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships by Stella Harris
  • Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage by Two Knotty Boys
  • Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys
  • When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

Videos

Podcasts

Others

Organizations

Participate in the International Kink Health Study

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

KINK HEALTH Adventurous people deserve exceptional care. kinkhealth.org TASHRA presents an international health study and invites YOU to learn if you are eligible. Go to kinkhealth.org Do you have recurring, long-standing fantasies that focus on kink, bondage, and fetish? Our goals: • The IKHS will document the prevalence of injuries and medical complications arising from kink activities • Examine the health status of kink-involved people; and document how healthcare is utilized by kink The involved people International • Investigate how connections to kink communities Kink Health affect people's health and well-being Study (IKHS) Contact us with other questions at KinkHealth2@protonmail.com *Complete a short survey to determine your eligibility for this study at kinkhealth.org

The International Kink Health Study is now LIVE!

The International Kink Health Study (IKHS) is a research project about the physical and mental health, childhood experience, sexuality and healthcare of those around the world with recurring fantasies and practices that involve kink/BDSM/leather and fetish.

An expansion of our 2016 research survey, this study plans to invite participants to become part of a group of kink interested people from around the world. We will ask them to complete yearly surveys over a number of years. We hope that they will help us understand more about what it means to be kinky, about their health and wellbeing, their kink lives and pleasure, their relationships and roles, their injuries and their experiences of healing.

We are researchers with deep roots in the kink community and who want to make sure that this information benefits the kink community. Won’t you think about joining with us on our upcoming adventure?

Want to learn more, see if you’re eligible, or take the survey?
Pop over to the study’s website today.

Ableism

A few notes:

  • I believe strongly in disability being celebrated as a part of our identities. I also use identity-first language – I am disabled, not a person with a disability.
  • To cut down on possible triggers on this page, most information around abuse and domestic violence will be listed on a separate page. (This is not an obvious URL if you are concerned about your internet history being monitored).
  • While I work hard at learning – and unlearning – including sharing resources, I know that I may have covered spots and other pitfalls due to my experiences, privileges, and more. If you have information that I don’t, such as why an author listed here shouldn’t be, please email me.

 

Talia Lewis has been working to revamp how we define ableism to be more inclusive and encompassing:

Deep purple and blue gradient background with the following words: ABLEISM a·ble·ism \ ˈābə-ˌli-zəm \ noun A system that places value on people’s bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normality, intelligence, excellence, desirability, and productivity. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in anti-Blackness, eugenics, misogyny, colonialism, imperialism and capitalism. This form of systemic oppression leads to people and society determining who is valuable and worthy based on a person’s language, appearance, religion and/or their ability to satisfactorily [re]produce, excel and "behave." You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism. a working definition by Talila "TL" Lewis*; updated January 2021 *developed in community with Disabled Black and other negatively racialized people, especially Dustin Gibson
Deep purple and blue gradient background with the following words: ABLEISM a·ble·ism \ ˈābə-ˌli-zəm \ noun A system that places value on people’s bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normality, intelligence, excellence, desirability, and productivity. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in anti-Blackness, eugenics, misogyny, colonialism, imperialism and capitalism. This form of systemic oppression leads to people and society determining who is valuable and worthy based on a person’s language, appearance, religion and/or their ability to satisfactorily [re]produce, excel and “behave.” You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism. a working definition by Talila “TL” Lewis*; updated January 2021 *developed in community with Disabled Black and other negatively racialized people, especially Dustin Gibson
Note: By sharing Talia’s definition above, I am by no means taking any sort of credit for this definition or the work Talia does.

On Ableism

Types of Ableism

  • Audism: a type of ableism aimed at d/Deaf and hard-of-hearing folks; the idea that someone is superior if they can hear or behave in the manner of one who hears
  • Distantism: privileging of the distance senses of hearing and vision
  • Sanism, mentalism, neuro-discrimination: a type of ableism aimed at mental illness and neurodiverse conditions (including learning disabilities)
  • Vidism, visualism, or sightism: a type of ableism aimed at blind and low-vision folks; the idea that someone is superior if they can see or behave in the manner of one who sees

On Sanism

On Neurodiversity

On Language

For more, see Oppressive Language.

On Abled Privilege

On Accessibility

Handling Ableism

In Academia

At Work

On Inspiration Porn

Disability History

On Medicalization

On Abuse

For more resources, click here.

On Institutionalization

Please note the video below is incredibly disturbing in parts.

Deinstitutionalization

On Eugenics

COVID-19

On Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia

This is a very complicated issue, and disabled people come down on both sides of it. The main concern is that ableism will guide abled people to make choices about euthanizing disabled folx as opposed to this being a self-determined process.

  • Not Dead Yet
  • Gill, Carol. “Depression in the Context of Disability and the ‘Right to Die.’” Theoretical Medicine, vol. 25, 2004, p. 171–198.
  • “Responding to Million Dollar Baby: A Forum.” Edited by Jay Dolmage, Disability Studies Quarterly, Disability Studies Quarterly, 2005, https://dsq- sds.org/article/view/590/767.

On Representation

On the debate about disabled actors and disabled characters

Future of disability and media

Life at the Intersections

Women

Transgender

Sexuality

Race, Ethnicity, and Color

On Allyship

General

More general resources here. Ways to make spaces, meetings, etc., more accessible here.

Interacting With The Community

Ableism
Sanism

Actions

 

For Disabled Folks

The below are a running list of resources that I tend to share with folks, give out along with presentations, etc. Feel free to comment to add more.

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Please note: the majority of these links are Amazon affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases made through links in this post at no additional cost to you.

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Answering Your Questions #3

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

It’s time to answer more questions! Keep in mind that I’m not a doctor, even if my friends jokingly call me one. I’m hoping to make these posts more regularly. Between my day job in public health, top surgery in July, moving to a new state and in with my partner in August, and working on buying a house (wtf??), it’s been a hectic few months. Thanks for your patience, all.

I writes,

I have a new man in my life. My problem is he likes to hold me down and is very rough as says weird things during. I mean he doesn’t hurt me and he’s really sweet afterwards is this maybe just how he likes it or should there be red flags

This isn’t necessarily a new thing, but there are a lot of potential reasons why someone might like this. A lot of men grew up watching porn that isn’t exactly sweet or sensual, but more on the rougher side. Some folks just naturally gravitate to rougher experiences. I think the most important thing to think about is do you like it? It seems like you don’t – which is absolutely fair, especially if this wasn’t a thing you two talked about him doing beforehand. It’s okay to sit down with him and explain that this isn’t your jam or ask more in-depth questions about why he’s into it.

I hope this helps and that you’re able to find a healthy way to engage in sex together.

 

photo of two people touch hands against one of their thighs - photo has been edited to look like its on a vhs

B writes,

My boyfriend asks me to do things for him in the bedroom and I always say I’m not comfortable doing them. He told me last night that I’m denying him sexual gratification. I told him I’ll try but I don’t feel comfortable. What should I do?

If you’re not comfortable doing something, you’re not comfortable with it. No is a full sentence, and you don’t have to explain yourself to someone else. Pulling the ‘denying gratification’ card is a really big red flag to me and it feels like he’s trying to pressure you into something you’re not okay doing. It’s probably worth sitting down and going through a yes/no/maybe list together – something that you would both ideally fill out ahead of time and then sit down to share and discuss. Make sure that you share how you need him to listen to your no. It might even be worth setting some other boundaries around that or talking about if a sexual relationship between the two of you is a good idea if he gets grumpy about it.

I hope that things work out and he’s able to listen to your feedback… but, if he isn’t? It’s more than okay to do whatever you need to do to feel safe.

photo of two people hold hands - photo has been edited to look like its old

R writes,

I have a partner who only wants to use condoms because he thinks it’s too risky to go without. I miss going without them when we first met we didn’t use them ever, never had any issues. Until he was caught by me doing some inappropriate activity with someone else. After he got an sti and I was completely fine he developed some redness but nothing grosser then that. He says they told him that even if a gay couple is monogamous they should always use condoms. I thought it’s like 95% OK to go without condoms if both are monogamous.

This sounds frustrating! It can be smart or easier to use condoms with some sexual acts, but by no means is it something you always have to do for gay sex – especially with a monogamous partner. Condoms are the best way to prevent possible STIs, so that’s one thing to keep in mind. Perhaps your partner feels poorly for having messed around and is trying to make sure that you know he wants to do whatever he can to make it up to you or protect you. Being the receptive partner during anal gives you a higher chance of microtears, which make it easier to catch infections – especially if you’re not using enough lube. (If you need lube info, Smitten Kitten has some great guides on one of their sites.)

Not to be a negative jerk or make you question this relationship, but there is also the risk that he might be messing around again.

I would say it’s probably time for a sit down (or another way to communicate if that’s easier) to talk through what’s been going on. Be prepared to consider compromising, like trying out an internal condom and seeing how that goes. The most important thing here is that you approach this convo with love, understanding, and trying not to put blame on your partner. Here’s a great 101 on non-violent communication techniques.

I hope that this helps – and that the two of you are able to talk through this without too much frustration.

two people have a tense conversation on the couch - filter applied puts most things in black and white except a few things in the background

S writes,

Can my vaginal ph balance hurt my boyfriend’s penis? He says that he’s tried everything to alleviate pain, and is accusing me of having an STI. But he’s the only guy I’ve slept with in a couple of years.

Vaginas are naturally acidic, so it’s definitely possible. Here’s another person who has dealt with this. The person who provided the answer to that question suggested Canesten Antifungal Cream to see if it helps. I would also say it’s probably worth a visit to the doctor for both of you to talk through what you’re experiencing and ensure that there isn’t an underlying medical issue.

two trans masc people at a bar, smiling at each other - filter applied to look older

M writes,

My boyfriend spent the night for the first time last night. He opened my nightstand drawer and found my vibrator. At first, he didn’t know what it was… he realized what it was and he acted fine, but he also was quiet most of the day after.

My guess is that your boyfriend felt a little insecure. Sometimes guys think there’s a competition between them and sex toys. We know this isn’t the case, but it can hurt their pride – even if the sex toy was there first. I’m giving you official permission to tell him that this is not a big deal. A ton of people have sex toys – hell, I have a whole under-bed tote full of them – and it doesn’t mean that we value our partners any less or differently. Toys can be helpers in the bedroom – for example, if your boyfriend orgasmed quickly and you still want to play. They can also be major self-care tools and even medical tools.

Here are a few links where people have run into similar issues:

I think it worth asking him to write something in, say, a google doc about what he felt in that moment and if he has any lingering feelings. That way, he can cool down before you two sit down and talk about it.

one person looking at another as they look at their phone

L writes,

I had sex for the first time yesterday. Everything was fine and I didn’t even bleed. I had sex again today and we had to stop cuz I was bleeding like a fair amount. Why would that happen? Am I ok?

Bleeding during the first time is normally associated with breaking the hymen. Sometimes it takes a while of being sexually active for that to stop. Even after that, bleeding after or during sex isn’t usually something to be too worried about – especially if you and your partner(s) are being vigorous, rough, or a little more intense than normal. Same goes for if your vagina isn’t as lubricated as it could be, which is all the more reason to use lube even if you don’t think you ‘need’ it. Just make sure that you know what’s in it and all that good stuff.

That said, there can also be other reasons you might be experiencing bleeding. If it continues longer than a day, is bothering you, or if there’s a lot of blood? Try to go see a doctor or visit a space like Planned Parenthood.

photo of two people about to kiss with rosy filter

G writes,

After many years of living and loving in an open relationship my wife no longer wants (has) any sexual needs. I’ve increasingly wanted to re-establish these intimate relationships and now find myself longing to watch her with new and other lovers. Additionally I’d so love to watch her with a BBC lover/s and try a sex lover too. How can I resolve these unachievable desires?

I was in a similar situation with my ex, for different reasons, which is what led us to opening up our relationship. I needed that kind of attention and love, and it wasn’t something he could give. It’s perfectly normal and okay to recognize this and make other arrangements, provided everyone has consented. Since she doesn’t have sexual desire right now, I think it would be best to have a conversation about you seeking sexual gratification elsewhere instead of being so focused on being sexual with her. That’s probably putting a lot of awkward stress on her on top of what the two of you might already be dealing with due to the pandemic and state of the world.

I would highly suggest checking out the book Building Open Relationships: Your hands-on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell. Dr. Liz is an amazing human and I really loved their book. (Note to self: add writing a review about this to your giant to-do list.)

As far as the BBC situation… I would invite you to unpack the ways that this could be harmful and racist.

two people snuggling in bed while drinking coffee

I had a few other questions in my inbox, but they’re more detailed and personal so I feel uncomfortable answering them here. One of them will probably wind up inspiring a post on here at some point, though, when I’ve figured out how to respond to it.

I will say that there seems to be a theme lately to these questions. That theme is a lack of communication. Your partners need to know what you’re feeling or are struggling with. I’m always happy to help give guidance but, at the end of the day, I’m not your partner and I can’t solve most of these issues. What can work towards solving them is sitting down and having frank conversations with your partners.

This also means you’re going to have to let your guard down. It’s hard to be vulnerable, to stop being the strong one. That means we have to feel and process our feelings and, right now, that includes a lot of grief. If there’s one thing I know, though, it’s that you can do this. I believe in you.

Have a question you want to be answered? Leave a comment below – I won’t publish the comment but instead will reach back out to you – or send me an email.

I’m A Sex Ed Superhero!

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

SheVibe has long been one of the sex-positive shops that I adore. I mean, look at their logo on my sidebar – how many sex shops feature wheelchair users regularly? The answer is not many. SheVibe also takes steps to lift up voices. They listen if people have concerns and make changes where need be, too. Overall, they’re one of the best shops out there. Plus, their site is full of delightful art. As a comic lover, it’s always fun to visit and see what new drawings are up.

That admiration I have for them, I have learned, is mutual.

A while ago, SheVibe worked to start the creation of superhero trading cards. Today, I joined a number of friends and colleagues in being featured as one of those superheroes!

Superhero illustration of Grayson Schultz, he is standing on top of a building overlooking a city scape at dusk. He is wearing a dark blue with turquoise trim super hero suit. He is looking back at the viewer with a riding crop in his left hand and a magical otter stuffie in his right.

back of superhero card grayson schultz he/him graysonschultz.com twitter - graysongoal instagram - graysongoal hidden talent - opening minds to thinking differently about the world superpower - elasticity and empathy weapon of choice - a riding crop in one hand and an otter stuffie hanging down from the other talking frankly about how inequities affect self-love, relationships, sexuality, and sex itself

 

I don’t know how to express my love of this drawing. We were able to incorporate a nod to Nightwing, my namesake, with the pose and outfit. I was also able to include one of my favorite BDSM toys. Oh, and that stuffie? I very much have a real version that Sir got for me a few months ago.

grayson snuggled an otter stuffie

I can’t say enough about how happy I am with how this turned out – or to join the sex-positive justice league!

To see each superhero, go check out SheVibe’s page. And make sure to go support them (and me!) by snagging some gear from them using my affiliate link.

Virtual Class on Chronic Illness, Disability, and Sex 11-27 @ 7:30 pm Central

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

In this class, sex educator Grayson provides a quick overview of how disabilities and other health issues affect our sexuality – from self-esteem to relationships and more. He’ll spend most of the time covering ways to confront these challenges head-on, such as communication techniques, BDSM, sex toys, exercises, and more!

All genders are welcome.

Grayson Schultz is a sex educator and writer currently in Wisconsin. As a juvenile arthritis patient since age 5, he knows how hard it can be to live a full life while dealing with health issues. That’s why he works most closely with other chronically ill and disabled people, helping them to find workarounds, explore themselves, and discover their lives after diagnosis.

Over the last decade, Grayson has worked with organizations all around the world including universities, pharmaceutical companies, academic conferences, and patient organizations. In addition, his work has been featured in articles from publications such as US News, Broadly, Teen Vogue, and Metro UK.

Grayson holds an MS in Healthcare Administration from Utica College. When he’s not working or stuck at home during the pandemic, he enjoys writing, gaming, and reading. You can learn more about him and his work at chronicsex.org.

Registration

To register, fill out this jotform.

To complete registration, please go to paypal.me/chronicsex and send the $10 class cost. If this is a hardship for you, please select that option on the registration form.

Please mark your calendar for 7:30 pm Central Time on Friday, 11-27 for this class. If you live in another time zone, please click here to find out what the time will be for you.

Other links

If you want to find this event elsewhere, it’s on Fetlife and Facebook. You will still need to register to receive the class information.