Chronic Sex

Content note: abuse, consent violations, sexual violence, Charlie Sheen

The following is an email I sent to Tara Struyk of Kinkly on November 9, 2018. I never received a response. Instead of waiting or continuing to send follow-up emails, I’ve asked today that all of my information be taken off of Kinkly. Time will tell if that truly happens.

Note that I mention phone calls aren’t always accessible to me and that’s why I sent this email in response to Tara reaching out. Choosing to ignore it is both an act of ableism and disregard for others. It’s just another nail in the Kinkly coffin – and, to be honest, a great way to show how much the general sexuality community seems to not give two fucks about any of this.

I’m incredibly disappointed, but it is what it is. You can’t help fix and improve things when people refuse to hear about the harm they’re doing.

Without further ado, here’s why I’m leaving Kinkly and removing their info from each of my sites:

I was disappointed to learn just how Kinkly refused to respond to issues with LELO in the past. I understand that they likely bring in a lot of income for the site. However, there are things more important than money, especially in the sex ed world.

I’ve opted to write this email to you versus having a phone call. Phone conversations are not accessible to me much of the time and, with my conditions affecting my ability to talk (or even have a voice) and the fact that I’m currently traveling, emailing this to you was a better choice all-around.

There are some major problems with LELO that I’d like to highlight. From what I understand, you’ve been given a lot of this information before. I hope that you read this with an open mind, though, and really take a look at what kind of reputation you want Kinkly to have – and whether it’s worth a connection with a company like LELO.

HEX condoms break super easily

Due to their unique structure, though, people aren’t seeing these breaks – especially since the HEX doesn’t shatter like a normal condom. While the idea behind this – that people might benefit from some protection versus no protection – isn’t inherently bad, it assumes that someone would have sex despite a broken condom. That’s not true, especially in 2018. Young people are working better on convos around consent and risk-aware sex than ever before. That also includes, oh, taking a minute to put on a new condom or changing up the planned sexual activity.

The broken HEX, though, means unplanned pregnancies and exposure to STIs are a constant with this brand. Pair that with misogynistic messages on the condoms themselves, and it’s not a good look. Multiple sex educators like Lorax, Sarah, and others have shared just how dangerous this product is.

With maternal death rates in birth rising, especially in the United States, even an unplanned pregnancy threatens lives. Between that and virulent, virtually untreatable strains of STIs moving around, it gets even worse. I’m not sure that I’d want any association to products that put people’s lives at risk, and I’m not so sure why Kinkly is okay with that as a brand.

The hiring of Charlie Sheen

It’s well known that Sheen has a history of being abusive, especially towards women. He’s very lucky he hasn’t succeeded in murdering – and he has tried. Just a few years ago, he cited sex workers as the reason he caught HIV as opposed to taking personal responsibility. That doesn’t even get into the multiple times he’s beaten or threatened women throughout his long career of being the bad-boy-gone-badder. Sex educators around the world have spoken out against his inclusion with LELO as well as the tactless messaging LELO brings by pulling in a man who hadn’t even come to terms with his own diagnosis yet in 2016.

Of course, LELO says they don’t endorse his past and that Sheen does ‘good work.’ Those kinds of claims are the ones that have protected so many abusers before the #MeToo Movement took hold – and it’s not okay. Continuing to support LELO with Sheen involved especially is a punch in the gut to the many survivors browsing your site.

Lack of accountability

Numerous sex educators have called LELO out on 1) HEX condoms, 2) poor and ineffective toy design, and 3) hiring Sheen. They refuse to engage in real conversations about these issues, either publicly or privately. Companies that send ‘jokes’ about STIs or promote shaming people because of their status are not the kinds of people we should be uplifting.

Insiders have even shared the following:

“I think the thing that upsets me the most is that Lelo – or at least the individual(s) at Lelo that are in charge of creating the most recent rounds of campaigns – simply don’t care. I don’t say that as a ‘they obviously don’t care as they’d be backtracking if they did’. I say that as someone who is acquainted with at least one individual who orchestrates these decisions, as far back as the Pino shitstorm. I watched their personal Twitter account and their interactions with their peers who were asking them WTF they were thinking. They were proud of it. They *are* proud of their Hex work, and have made that abundantly clear. They. Don’t. Care. Publicity is publicity to them – negative doesn’t matter. They referred to sex bloggers and educators who were rightfully questioning their decisions as ‘whiney SJWs’. Our opinions mean zero to them – and in fact, the more we tweet, the more they can say they’re the hottest topics of conversation. They feel they are too big to fall, too trenched in the industry to lose out. The more attention, the better even if it’s folks throwing out their Lelo toys in mass droves and swearing off never working with them again.”

Education-based sex toy shops like Sugar, Vibrant, and Smitten Kitten all refuse to carry LELO products due to all of the above. Even the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health – a space that could use the potential money – tossed them out due to ethical concerns. When Kinkly is a site building a brand off of sex education, it’s important to find where you fall on that line – are you willing to sacrifice the health and satisfaction of your customers in order to make extra money? If so, I’m sad to say that you might as well remove all of the education components of your site.

Speaking of accountability…

I think it’s disappointing that you refuse to answer questions on Twitter. A few months ago, it took thousands of people chiming in on your very white & cishet sex educator post – including problematic people like Dan Savage who make transphobic, biphobic, ableist, and racist comments consistently – to get any change with that. At that point, several of us were ready to ask to be removed from the sex bloggers directory – not because of handling things as a toddler might when upset they weren’t chosen, but because Kinkly is supposed to be about sex education. It can’t be if you’re so concerned with maintaining the status quo that you’re not lifting up more marginalized voices.

It’s taken years to revamp your bloggers list and be transparent about the ways choices are made around it. I have to wonder what the point is in creating a top 100 sex bloggers list if you refuse to listen to concerns we bring up – or if you use it as a shield to refuse to handle criticism in a transparent space. Is it to force us into an odd space where we have to choose between getting traffic from your site and maintaining our ethics? I think we’ve seen how that’s worked out in the last two years.

Kinkly is going to have to change – if due to anything in particular, then because of the social shifts from misogynistic names for things to empowering discussions on consent and sexuality. More educators need to be hired for your site, not just for show but to actually help run it. Social media managers who are also sex educators, for instance, exist in droves. This is especially true among marginalized communities Kinkly consistently overlooks.

I’ve been happy to get named a superhero in the past. I think Kinkly can provide better content – and content that isn’t rooted in the issues many of us are working to change (e.g., misogyny, unnecessary labeling of genders when toys have no gender, etc.). For instance, you need to list ingredients on everything you sell – from lube to toys. This is for several reasons, including accessibility and keeping people safe. Many people have allergies and need to know what’s in the products they’re purchasing. Not listing ingredients could lead to someone going into anaphylactic shock, and I sure wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone.

What now?

People did not know that LELO was putting them at risk through their HEX condom or supporting abusers. Even if you believe Twitter is not a medium for a ‘respectful’ conversation [which was a note in Tara’s initial email to me], I would say that it does help inform people of issues like these to watch out for.

I believe Kinkly is at a crossroads. It can continue down the path of promoting unsafe condoms like the HEX, supporting abusers via LELO and Charlie Sheen, and putting out more white sex educator lists… or you can actively choose to make a change for the better. In my honest opinion, I believe you can make that change. It won’t be easy, sure, but it’s a worthwhile one to make. That’s especially true in 2018, as more companies navigate making changes for the better.

I would like to get a response from you about these issues and to know why you’re still working with LELO. Those of us on the sex bloggers superheroes list – especially those of us who point people in your direction – deserve to know that much.

This is another addition to the shitlist I never should have had to make if they actually value sex bloggers and educators as much as they say they do.

C’est la vie.