Awareness Calendar for December

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

blue background with white lines and black text: "Awareness Calendar for December" - and teal text: "Chronic Sex"

Month:

  • AIDS
  • Aplastic Anemia
  • Constipation Awareness
  • Drunk and Drugged Driving (3D) Prevention
  • Human Rights
  • Identity Theft
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Day/week:

  • World AIDS Day (1)
  • Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Week (1-7)
  • International Day for the Abolition of Slavery (2)
  • International Day of Persons with Disabilities (3)
  • National Handwashing Awareness Week (3-9)
  • National Influenza Vaccination Week (4-11)
  • International Volunteer Day (5)
  • Human Rights Day (10)
  • International Migrants Day (18)
  • U.N. Arabic Language Day (18)
  • National Homeless Persons’ Remembrance Day (21)

Review: Fun Factory Delight

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a black and white S shaped toy against a black and white zebra striped blanket with product box in the background; black text box has white text "Review" purple text "Fun Factory Delight" and below has a purple text box with white text "Chronic Sex"

Disclaimer: I was given this product for free in exchange for my honest review.

Fun Factory, one of my favorite companies in the world, sent me the Delight to try out.

black and white S-shaped toy

 

I was intrigued by the shape of the Delight. I mean, it looks amazing, right?

Product details

The Delight is just under 6 inches long and over an inch wide. You can get it wet, but it’s not fully waterproof. It has three different vibration patterns and eight intensities. Because of the curvy shape, it’s safe for butt play – and can be a great prostate massager! It’s also a rechargeable toy, making it more eco-friendly.

That’s one of my favorite things about Fun Factory in general – they’re super eco-conscious.

The black section of the toy is more rubbery and grippy, while the white part is harder.

Testing

I’m not gonna lie – I had a lot of fun testing this one. I always try to test under a variety of conditions – bad pain, migraine, etc. At the risk of being punny, this toy was a Delight to use each time.

Sorry. Anyway…

The curve this toy has is something that I really enjoy. It can be an effective vibrating dildo or give direct clitoral stimulation. If you get the angle just right, you can have some clitoral stimulation while using this internally, too.

I didn’t use it with any butt play, but it’s definitely a safe one for that. It’s not a flared base, but it’s not far off, either. The curve that makes this toy beautiful also makes it very difficult to disappear up there.

That little curly bit at the top makes the Delight easy to hold, especially with that little bit of grip. Having the buttons on this piece also makes it super easy for someone like me to change up the intensity often. I had no problem using this while having a rough hand day, either, which is always a plus!

The very thing that makes it easy to use for solo play might make it harder for partner play. A partner might have a rough time trying to control the speed since the controls are so close to the body. I flail around a lot while having fun, so that could just be me.

Verdict

This is definitely a great toy – accessible, comfortable, and easy to use. Each time I tested it, I was able to orgasm one way or another. If you’re looking for a reliable and beautiful sex toy, the Delight won’t steer you wrong.

Giving Tuesday: Help Our Community

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black background with green text "Giving Tuesday: Help Our Community" and white text "Chronic Sex" - both middle-aligned above a white hand, outlined in black, with a pink bracelet and a purple bracelet supporting/holding up the text

One of the things I’ve always envisioned this site being able to do is lifting up other people in our communities. For me, that means chronically amazing, trans/GNC, queer, sex-educatory, animal-loving people.

Since it’s Giving Tuesday, I want to highlight ways we can give back to our peoples, whoever they may be. While I’ve put people under a variety of sections, notice that intersecting identities don’t just limit most of us to one label.

Chronically Amazing

USA

My friend Kenzie defies words. She is all at once innovative and an old soul, spontaneous and planned out, supportive and sassy. There are a million reasons I’m glad she and I are friends. Unfortunately, she’s struggling a lot lately. While dealing with being a senior in college, she’s juggling an ever-growing list of serious chronic health conditions. The dual hit to the bank account of being a chronically ill college student is something that’s really hard to cope with. That’s where we come in! You can donate to her Amazon wishlist or contribute to her fundraiser that helps train her service dog (and giant love muffin) Ophie.

Britt is another chronically ill gal. Recently, she’s received a rare disease diagnosis and struggled with back-to-back hospital admissions. On top of that, she’s barely able to eat. You can help get her food and supplies through her Amazon wishlist.

Struggling with undiagnosed health issues is scary, especially when they land us in emergency multiple times. Kat, who is a freaking joy to know, is dealing with just that – struggling with a high ER bill on top of needing to see specialists. You can help offset the costs she’s been hit with on her GoFundMe.

Judy lives with a number of health conditions. Unfortunately, she has little help with day-to-day tasks, schooling, medications, and more. She’s looking to get a service dog, but they’re very expensive. Please visit her GoFundMe to learn more.

Annabel has been fighting breast cancer for over a year and recently had a second major surgery. Unfortunately, she’s not covered under the Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and will be out of work for two months. You can help cover the costs of her surgery and expenses via GoFundMe.

Antonina is a hard-working Haitian immigrant with 4 children. She works as a nurse to provide for her kids, but this has left her with severe damage in her knees – to the point she needs a total knee replacement on each one. With the Temporary Protected Status of Haiti being ended before August 2019, it’s incredibly important to raise the money to get these surgeries as soon as possible to allow for the best possible outcomes. You can donate here.

Canada

Alex is a great reminder that healthcare isn’t better in other countries – yes, even Canada sucks when you’re chronically ill. They have been fighting to get an accurate diagnosis for ages. Unfortunately, that requires a series of very expensive tests that the Canadian health system won’t cover. You can donate to Alex’s GoFundMe or shoot them money via PayPal.

UK

Shona, who you might remember as the author of this piece, has an outdated wheelchair. Since she is able to walk (with a metric ton of pain), the National Health System in the UK won’t help her get a new one. Since she can’t work, either, funds are limited to get a new chair. Please consider donating to her GoFundMe.

Emma also lives in the UK where they are ill-equipped to handle her complex medical issues. On top of chronic Lyme Disease, she endures a number of harrowing symptoms that leave her bedbound 90% of the time. Her family is raising money to help get treatment underway as the NHS isn’t cutting it.

Representation

Dawn runs Spoonie Chat, a weekly Twitter chat held on Wednesdays at 8 pm Eastern that’s focused on living well will a variety of chronic illnesses. She’s currently working on crowdfunding her writing to help get more representation of illness out there.

Black and Brown Spoons is an online community started to help Black, Latinx, Asian, Middle Eastern, and Indigenous people with chronic illnesses get connected to information, resources, and support around healthcare and disability rights in the US. Honestly, most of us who are popular are pretty white and we don’t experience the same issues the same way. They’ve got a Teespring page set up with great gear you can grab while helping them further this awesome mission. They have a merch giveaway that ends today, too, until 6 pm Eastern today. Check out this Twitter thread for how to enter.

Jennifer Brea has made a lot of headlines recently. As the filmmaker behind Unrest, she is challenging providers to see and believe the reality of patients living with ME/CFS. The film premiered at Sundance this year and it’s gotten rave reviews (mine is coming soon!). If you want to help Jennifer and her organization raise more awareness of ME/CFS, please click here.

Trans/GNC

Gender-affirming surgery is a very extensive and expensive process. It can be scary to go through, even though it’s super helpful to have. Kai has been on testosterone for two years and is starting the process of getting bottom surgery. Between having to travel across the country – and stay for 6 weeks – for treatment, he is having a hard time paying the bills associated with preparing for surgery. Please visit Kai’s YouCaring page to help.

Ty is working to get top surgery. Right now, though, their insurance won’t cover the costs. Donating will help Ty with the costs of surgery and being out of work while healing. Their YouCaring page has more information.

Getting a new passport for trans folx can be incredibly expensive, but very worthwhile. You can help, though! An organization is helping to cover passport fees for trans peeps. Visit their YouCaring page to learn more.

Zaire is a black, trans, chronically-ill queer who has been struggling with ongoing homelessness for their entire life, on top of chronic illness, ongoing health struggles, and the daily violence of anti-blackness and transphobia moving through this white supremacist world. You can help them by donating through their YouCaring page.

Jacie is a runner and activist who fights hard for equality. Unfortunately, after coming out as trans in 2014, she was severely beaten. While she’s in a safer position right now, she is raising money for surgery to correct the damage done during the attack.

Queer

Bree is one of my favorite people. I can’t believe I get to be on a panel with her soon! (Go to Clexacon – you won’t regret it.) She’s a fellow queerdo, disabled, and just hella cool. She helps remind people all the time to practice self-care and is very open about mental health, which is so very needed. You can help her through her fun Amazon wishlist, her medical one, or on Patreon.

NC Queer TROUBLMakers (Trans Revolutionaries Organizing Under Black Lives Matter) is a statewide collective of queer and trans people of color in North Carolina. We began formally working together in August of 2015, coordinating Queer and Trans Black Lives Matter demonstrations at Pride events across the state. They need additional funding to help their members pay rent and cover basic living costs. Visit their GoFundMe page to learn more.

Sex Education

Ducky Doolittle is an amazing human being. She’s one of the reasons that I got into sex education work. Unfortunately, she has recently been diagnosed with uterine cancer and just went through surgery to kick cancer’s ass. If you can donate to help keep things afloat while she does her thing, click here to pop to her PayPal.

Sarah Brynn is one of my favorite sex educators. She’s had a lot of great things to share during the MeToo movement as a fellow survivor. She wants to help create more trauma-informed, feminist sex education. You can donate to her via Patreon or PayPal.

JoEllen Notte talks very openly about mental health and sex. She has given presentations and talks at many conferences on the subject and is working on writing a book. Check out her Patreon and support her amazing work.

Ever heard of the book Girl Sex 101? The author behind that, Allison, work on a lot – sex-ed videos, blogs, essays, art, fiction, etc. She has a Patreon set up to snag more funding and make her work more accessible.

Amy runs Coffee & Kink. In addition to sex education, she writes erotic fiction and helps people new to investigating sexuality navigate their new world. You can support her work on Patreon.

Artemisia FemmeCock writes reviews of sex toys and kink products. She works hard to bring in educational aspects, helping to demystify kink and sex toys. Please visit her Patreon to learn more.

Cheryl AKA Horny Geek Girl is a writer and sex blogger, too. She recently set up a Patreon in an effort to focus more on her passion – badass erotic writing.

Amy Jo Goddard and Julie Carlson are on a mission to improve pelvic exams, and they go on a quest to find out why patients have horror stories about gyn exams, what students are learning, and how to change our approach to gynecology to one of empowerment rather than dread and trauma. Check out their project, At Your Cervix.

Organizations

LGBT+ and Sex Ed

The Native Youth Sexual Health Network (NYSHN) is an organization by and for Indigenous youth that works across issues of sexual and reproductive health, rights and justice throughout the United States and Canada.

In the quaint town of Pawtucket, Rhode Island sits a building with a giant walk-through vulva. The Center for Sexual Pleasure & Health works tirelessly to provide education to everyone, including continuing education for people like myself.

Heart Women & Girls is one of my favorite organizations. They focus on sexual health and education for femmes within Muslim spaces. Providing culturally-sensitive health information is something that is vastly overlooked and badly needed – and Heart does that. Donate and help them on their path to fix the world.

The Matthew Shepard Foundation came about after Matt’s brutal murder in 1998. As a baby queer at the time, I’ve written about how Matt’s story continues to push me to fight for all of us. The Foundation continues to push for better laws against hate crimes, especially for the LGBT+ community. You can donate to them here.

TSER – Trans Student Educational Resources – is a youth-led organization dedicated to transforming the educational environment for trans and gender nonconforming students through advocacy and empowerment. In addition to our focus on creating a more trans-friendly education system, our mission is to educate the public and teach trans activists how to be effective organizers. Please consider donating to help further their mission.

Founded in 2003 by trans activists, the National Center for Transgender Equality provides a powerful transgender advocacy presence in Washington, DC. After the many setbacks our community has seen this year – and the ones we fear are coming – it’s important to continue supporting their work and affirming our support for them.

The Sylvia Rivera Law Project (SRLP) works to guarantee that all people are free to self-determine their gender identity and expression, regardless of income or race, and without facing harassment, discrimination, or violence. It’s named after one of the trans pioneers of the LGBT rights movement, Sylvia Rivera. Please consider donating to them today.

Health

The International Pain Foundation is a great organization. They work hard to help raise awareness about various pain-causing conditions as well as providing resources and help for patients.

RA Guy has been a staple in patient communities for ages. Recently, he started his own foundation that focuses on providing education, support, and connection for arthritis patients.

The Autoinflammatory Alliance is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping those with autoinflammatory diseases, also known as periodic fever syndromes… AKA part of what I deal with (and hate) daily.

NORD – the National Organization for Rare Diseases – works with patients, providers, researchers, pharma, and more to help raise awareness and money for the many rare diseases out there (some of which aren’t even on their list). You can donate to help further their cause.

Selfish Time

It’d be hard to write this out and not include my stuff. I’m semi-reluctantly posting links here that will help me to continue producing awesome content, going to conferences, and developing stuff to help all of us.

You can donate via Patreon, PayPal, or Ko-Fi. Additionally, you can snag CS gear on Zazzle, donate to ORCHIDS, or purchase something from my Amazon Wishlist. You can also shop using one of my affiliates:

Cyber Monday Sales to Check Out

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

cream background with black text "Cyber Monday Sales to Check Out" and "Chronic Sex"

Here’re some great sales going on today!

Vibrant

photo of an apple laptop with yellow tulips and a white cup of coffee in the background; white and teal text: "24-Hour Cyber Monday Sale Save 30% Off Any Item! Code: CYBERMONDAY17 Valid 11/27/17, *Coupon applies to most expensive item in your cart only

You save 30% off of any single item using the code CYBERMONDAY17. This discount applies to the most expensive thing in your cart, so dream big! Maybe it’s time to get that Doxy you’ve had your eye on? Click here to shop.

Gender Station

blue watercolor background with white text "PROMO CODE: BFD20 20% OFF AND FREE SHIPPING OVER $99" and black text "Now Through Monday!"

Gender Station is an amazing site. Their whole mission is to provide gender-affirming gear for people. They’re running a sale right now that gives you 20% off the gear they carry and free shipping on orders over $99. The sale ends tonight at 11:59 PM Eastern.

SheVibe

Don’t forget the great sale from SheVibe ends tonight at 11:59 PM Eastern.

  • 10% Off Orders $75 OR MORE – Code: PAST
  • 15% Off Orders $100 OR MORE – Code: PRESENT
  • 20% Off Orders $125 OR MORE – Code: FUTURE

Peepshow Toys

Peepshow Toys’ sale is still going on as well. Click here to check out the deals and here to look at these blowout specials.

 

Happy shopping!

Review: The Doxy Massager, My New Lover

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a purple Doxy massager on a white fluffy comforter next to a copy of the book "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability" - underneath is a purple box with white text "Review: Doxy Massager' and "Chronic Sex" all middle-aligned

Disclaimer: I was given the Doxy Massager for free in exchange for my honest review.

This is a bit embarrassing to admit, but I’ve never had a wand-type toy. Everything I’ve had is either a vibrator, dildo, or epic combination of the two. I wanted one but could never seem to justify spending that kind of money on myself.

I just want to say that, thanks to Doxy, I get it. They gave several massagers to sex bloggers attending Woodhull in August. It’s taken me this long to write up my review because… well, I had fun testing.

Product Deets

The wand plugs into an outlet using a built-in AC adapter. The 12-foot cord means you shouldn’t run into too many problems with that, though. The top speed is 9,000 RPM which is, uh, intense. This means, though, that this is not a submergeable toy. Please don’t bathe with it!

It’s just over a foot long and under 3 inches wide, aside from the head which is 7.5 inches. The body on this particular one is plastic with the head made from PVC. I haven’t experimented, but the head can accommodate any magic wand attachments.

From an accessibility standpoint, this toy is exceptional. There are many toy mounts and pillows out there to help you get in the right position with this wand. While this is a slightly heavier toy at around 2 pounds, it’s relatively easy to move. The buttons are in a great spot and are straightforward – on/off, increase, decrease.

It’s also great to note that wands can be used for many things outside of sex. When I’m having a rough back day, hubs will give me a back massage and use the Doxy to loosen up tight spots. Even my acupuncturist recommends people get one!

Okay, he recommends everyone learn how to masturbate properly, too. We get along super well.

Testing

I started the testing process on this toy within two hours of picking it up. I went back to my hotel room at Woodhull and got to work. Initially, I started working on neck knots and one thing led to another. After a nap, I was ready to head back to the conference itself.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I orgasm very quickly from this wand. Like, wow, I have to work in some edging work if I want to last longer than two minutes. After struggling for a while with orgasms (thanks, multiple antidepressants!), it’s a nice problem to have. Even on days where other masturbation techniques don’t quite get me there, the Doxy does.

The motor in this wand is extremely powerful that direct clitoral stimulation is a bit much for me. I’ve found it much more comfortable to grind against the wand or push it up against that sweet spot between the vulva and vaginal opening. It’s great for foreplay, too, when used around the thighs, nipples, and other erogenous zones. I found it easy to hold and maneuver as long as I used my stronger dominant hand.

I’m super excited to start exploring some of the wand attachments out there, too. It’s a very new thing for me to get turned on looking at sex toy accessories, but damn.

If there’s one downside, it’s that it can get a little loud on some of the higher settings. I don’t know many things that can get up to 9,000 RPM and be completely silent, so it’s worth the noise.

Verdict

Each person is different, but I’ve never met someone who doesn’t love the Doxy. If you are looking for a reliable toy that can do double duty and give you some relief from chronic pain and muscle tension, there is literally no better thing out there than this wand. It’s accessible, beautiful, and has a permanent place by my bedside.

You can get the Doxy from most sites. If you snag one from Vibrant, remember that proceeds from your sale help fund the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains! You can snag this wand in black, white, pink, or purple.

Black Friday Sales

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

starry sky with white and yellow text "Black Friday Sales" and "Chronic Sex"

Step away from the pumpkin pie, pals. I have exciting news about some great sales going on!

Peepshow Toys

From today thru Monday the 27th, you can save big bucks off gear from Peepshow Toys!

You can save 10% off orders of $5 or more, 15% off $75 and up, 20% off $125 and more, or 25% off order of $200 and up. Plus there are some great blowout sales on the following: Swan Squeeze, Swan Hug, b-vibe Triplet, b-vibe Novice, Femmefunn Ultra Bullet, L’amourose Rosa, Womanizer Pro40, and L’amourose Prism V.

It’s an amazing collection of deals!

The coolest part about this is that you don’t have to enter any coupon codes! The badass savings are immediately applied to your account.

Click here to check out the deals and here to look at these blowout specials.

Vibrant

You can save 25% on their Black Friday collection (which includes over 200 items!) using code BLACKFRIDAY17. Hurry, though – this sale ends at 11:59 PM MT on Sunday the 26th.

Come As You Are

They aren’t an affiliate of mine… yet, but Come As You Are is one of my favorite places. The people who work there are amazing and kind, making their customer service second to none. Right now, their sale allows you to snag 20% off any non-book/DVD purchase with the code TAKETWENTY. THEN, as if that wasn’t enough, you also get a 15% coupon for January and free delivery if you’re in Canda.

Sale ends Monday night, so get shopping!

Oska Pulse

photo of a white femme reaching into a kitchen cabinet while a man sits in the background; the femme has on a strap holding the Oska Pulse in place on her back

This is a little different than what I normally share. On my other site, Not Standing Still’s Disease, I have an affiliate I love called Oska Pulse. Check out my review of their pain-relieving device here.

If you’d like to snag a super cool and helpful device, you can snag the Pulse for $100 less. Hurry, though, because the sale ends at 11:59 PM Pacific Time. Click here to check out the Pulse. Make sure to use the code NSSD to help them know your sale is from me!

Don’t forget the SheVibe sale going on as well!

Ready to Jump Back Into Dating? Here’s What You Need to Know

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

black and white photo of two people from the back walking together on a rainy day - one of them has an umbrella - teal oval with white text "Ready to Jump Back Into Dating? Here's What You Need to Know" and "Chronic Sex"

Look, dating is hard. I’ve been out of the game for a decade. I know everything has changed since I was galavanting around in cars with random people.

I was not a safe teen.

I recently joined a dating app to play with things a bit. It’s so much different than before!

When you’re ready to start dating, it’s important that you don’t let the changing culture impact your decision to date. Never shy away from pursuing relationships simply because you aren’t quite sure what’s popular, common, or trendy. There are always ways to learn and study modern dating before taking the leap.

If you’re ready to start dating, there are a couple of things you need to know.

Phone Calls Aren’t A Thing

People don’t call each other anymore. Like, almost ever.

Part of it is a millennial thing I’m sure, but it’s not just us! Most people don’t want to answer the phone, especially when driving or at work. Many people – like me – simply don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone that much.

I don’t even call to order pizza. It’s definitely not you.

Don’t be upset if someone doesn’t want to talk on the phone with you. There are so many other ways to communicate, such as emailing, chatting, or even spending more time together IRL. This is an excellent excuse to meet up for brief coffee dates and other lower energy activities, too. Having coffee together will give you a chance to talk and spend time together, but won’t take up the entire evening.

It’s always important for me to be home at a certain time for meds. Coffee dates make that possible.

Get Comfortable Texting

I’m constantly on my phone. Let’s be real – when you have a chronic illness or a disability, using your phone is often a lot easier than whipping out your laptop or sitting at your computer. If you’re anything like me, you’re already a pro at texting and more.

If you don’t spend a lot of time texting, prepare yourself. You might need to be able to make plans completely via text.

When texting, it’s important to be consistent in the style you use. If you’re going to use early 2000s era text speech (“U R 2 cute”), make sure that the person or people on the other end are okay with that. The best thing to do is text like you type – complete-ish sentences with punctuation. Don’t send huge, lengthy text messages when something short, brief, and to-the-point will suffice.

Talk with potential partners about how they want to communicate. There are a lot of messaging apps and systems people might use over texting, like Whatsapp.

If texting creates an accessibility issue for you, be upfront in your online dating profile.

Use Apps!

Finally, make sure you start getting comfortable with dating apps – and which ones fit the end goal you’re looking for. Tinder might be great for hooking up, but isn’t the best for long-term stuff. Most people use apps or websites, such as Badults, to find and meet new people. Again, be clear about what you’re looking for – friends, hookups, or longer-term relationships – when evaluating sites. It’s always a good idea to clarify that in your profile as well.

Dating apps enable you to meet a wide range of people very quickly. If you want to try long-distance dating, you can find someone far away to spend time getting to know. Sometimes that can be a great stepping stone, too, if you’re not ready to go on dates. If dates are what you’re looking for, apps can be the ideal way to find someone who is in your area and available to meet up with quickly.

Most apps let you connect instantly with people who share your same interests, whether that’s music, reading, or dancing. You can look for people who match what you’re searching for and start talking with whomever catches your fancy. You might not be able to tick every box, but you can certainly find someone who likes dogs, enjoys reading, won’t be a jerk about health issues (relatively speaking at least), and isn’t your parents’ age.

Bottom Line

Make sure you head into dating with realistic expectations, especially with health issues. There are a lot of people who are more selfish and unable to commit to us when we might be a little more complicated than the average bear.

You might not find a partner right away, especially if you’re looking for that final relationship. You can meet a lot of interesting, exciting people who have the same interests as you. Finding someone to date can be a fun, exciting experience, so make sure you have reasonable expectations and a great attitude. Chances are you’ll find someone interesting and you’ll be able to get to know them in a fun, casual setting.

This is a sponsored post.

I Told A #MeToo Story – And Lost Friends

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

a photo of a person silhouetted in black against a colorful waterfall backdrop with sunrise/sunset coloring; black text in a black outlined box "I Told A #MeToo Story - And Lost Friends" at top middle and grey text at bottom middle "Chronic Sex"

TW sexual harassment, victim blaming, #MeToo

Back in February, I started to publicly discuss a sexual predator within patient communities [initials AB]. I’ve brought it up again recently but, sadly, have wound up feeling less supported. I’m not a celebrity, nor do I claim to be, but it seems odd to have people continue to question sexual harassment in the era of #MeToo.

The Beginning

This whole situation started when this man made questionable comments of a ‘playful’ nature that escalated over time. The first time I was on the receiving end of one of these comments, I actually responded very negatively. He responded and said something about how this was just how he interacted with people.

Against my better judgment, I let it go. Part of that was his involvement with other prominent patients and patient organizations. None of those connections should have pushed me to do differently than my gut suggested.

Over the years, this continued and got worse. Incidents took place between this man and other women – especially young women, like those in high school – for years. The fact that this person is in his 40’s wasn’t, apparently, a deterrent to his actions. Most of this was on social media but wasn’t limited to that. He has harassed and cornered young women at conferences and events. He’s sent text and other messages to patients, asking how he can get into bed with them. This man has removed many of the inflammatory posts from his site where he dismisses words like cisgender as slurs, uses MRA language, and labels those of us who fight for actual justice negatively as “Kirstens” (I shit you not). Other patients in the past have tried to step in and help him understand what is and isn’t okay. When he turned on them or continued his actions in the face of their help, they ultimately abandoned that task.

As I’ve talked about before, I believe that we need more male voices within patient spaces. Even further, we need more voices around queer, trans, and non-white experiences. So why are we allowing people within the first category to make things uncomfortable and painful – especially while excluding those in the latter? I just don’t know.

Speaking Out

It’s something that took me a long time feeling comfortable discussing, even among friends. This man would attack me, telling me to get over my PTSD in the later years of our ‘friendship,’ and other patients – people I trusted – labeled me as hateful for my rebuttals. He was barred and then reinvited to a medical conference at a prominent university on the west coast because of his relationship with the head staff at this conference.

When I began talking, mutual friends would entertain the idea that this happened and claim to support me and others. Still, they would and do maintain an active friendship with this person – even after telling me they didn’t.

It is beyond frustrating to see, especially when fellow patients echoed similar situations and concerns. It tells me a lot about what other people think of those of us who have spoken out about this man.

If I’m completely honest, it still feels that he was sided with more often than those of us speaking out.

Something I wrote in February that continues to ring true today, especially in light of the MeToo movement:

People who call these issues out aren’t trying to stage a witch hunt [sound familiar?]. That’s not what I’m after. I’m not vindictive or hateful on that level and, by golly, I have enough going on with my health and my things I’m running and doing that I don’t need the drama. None of us do.

As a society — whether as a whole or as patient groups — we cannot make excuses for sexism or sexual harassment. We must call these issues out. Just like with ableism we experience at the hands of people who don’t understand, we have to call out this behavior so that it can be corrected. Ignoring it as a courtesy only allows it to get worse and for more people to be violated.

And again, just like with our illnesses, sharing our stories helps people feel less alone. When I’ve shared my experiences with this person and experiences I know of with people, they have felt redeemed and like their gut reactions to comments or questions have been validated.

#MeToo (unless it upsets someone)

When people began to share their #MeToo stories, I took initiative in posting about this person. I used his name publicly on social media. This was met with a variety of responses from shock to shared experience and more. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until statements dripping with victim-blaming mentality started showing up.

As a sex educator, it disturbed me greatly to see these comments from people I considered friends. I cried and screamed because I didn’t grasp how someone I trusted – someone who even shared some uncomfortable experiences with this man – could ask questions of me and others like did we ask him to stop.

I couldn’t let these kinds of comments go unchecked. No one’s story about sexual harassment should be policed. A person should be believed, regardless of how much they “fought back” against someone. No one should be met with victim-blaming statements as they speak out about sexual harassment or more.

I spoke out. Calling bullshit, I shared how these questions were inappropriate and harmful – and that, yes, he had been asked to stop several times. It was odd, too, to see someone who claimed to send this man’s messages to spam in order to avoid dealing with them then say that wasn’t the truth. I pointed out the hypocrisy in these questions and how harmful they were.

Could I have handled it better? Absolutely. I could’ve taken the exchange to a private message – though, it should’ve started that way as well. Since I didn’t start it, I don’t feel too much pain over it – especially when victims from various walks of life messaged me about why victim-blaming comments were being made.

People who know me know that I speak my mind – and know that my history of abuse combined with chronic pain is why. I’ve been nothing but forthcoming on how holding in emotions causes me physical and emotional pain. Despite that, I tried for a few months to ignore my gut (yes, again) and continue relationships with people who want everyone to just get along.

It’s clear now that I can’t.

TBH Losing Friends Is Okay

I lost several friends during this exchange because of speaking out and setting boundaries. I received an email a few weeks later from one person trying to explain that this was the final straw in a number of things they disliked. While they think my voice needs to be heard, they said, they find me to be a little “too much.” I talk about being queer which apparently feels exclusionary to people who aren’t.

That frankly is bullshit.

Within the next few days? The victim blamer and the excluded person both were joking with the sexual harasser all started talking together on social media.

I used to find comfort in the arthritis community. Now? I try to avoid it whenever I can, frankly. We can’t all get along, but it’s upsetting to see people who want that abandon victims for perpetrators. It’s nauseating as fuck.

I’ll be honest, too – it hurts to know that old friends and this creepy dude are the ones who will hold me back from being able to attend conferences or take part in events. I won’t go or won’t apply because I know there will be awkward exchanges. Even when I do apply, their influence may guide people in deciding I shouldn’t be there. Hell, this asshole and his defenders ruined that medical conference for me, something that I was so fucking excited about. I shouldn’t have expected much given how this university handled Brock Turner, but JFC.

Thankfully, after this exchange went down, I do feel better. My pain has gone down in huge amounts. Emotionally, I know that I’ve spoken my truth to the best of my ability. Physically, my pain related to holding in emotions is no longer there. I’m no longer dealing with emotional potatoes.

When combined with other self-care methods, my daily overall pain has gone from sitting at 6/10 to 3/10 (though it went back up a few weeks after I wrote this because winter is a thing).

My social media accounts have gone back to what they always should be – a way for me to speak to the world. I no longer sit worrying about how others are perceiving what I’m saying. Between that and the below tweet, I’m back to feeling much better about why I do what I do.

You can share things with others – illnesses, life experiences, etc – but not really get along with them. The people you share XYZ with and those you feel are your friends don’t always overlap – sometimes they’re a Venn diagram. That doesn’t mean you aren’t acquaintances – we just can’t all be friends.

I see friends as people who hold each other accountable for these kinds of comments. Sometimes, that’s not what others think friendship is.

And that’s okay.

Sometimes all you can do is step out and bask in the sunshine of your truth.

photo on Ocean Beach looking out on the pier; the water nearby is so shiny that it's reflecting the fluffy clouds from above

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Louis CK Sets An Example?

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

photo of a clock on the wall with pink text: "Louis CK Sets An Example?"

TW: discussions of sexual assault, harassment, rape, pedosadism, abuse, the fucking patriarchy

As I start writing this, I’m feeling rather… odd. My best friend from college and I are texting about Louis CK’s apology in the New York Times.

In case you’ve been living under a rock or low on energy, stories recently came out about his sexual misconduct. There are several other men who have recently been shown to be serial sexual predators in one way or another. Before getting into Louis’ apology, let’s explore the other most recent high-profile apology – Kevin Spacey.

Kevin Spacey

I had some weird initial feelings about this. I used to like Spacey’s work. When I read what had happened, though, it became clear to me that this was the truth – and a horrifying one at that. I’ve since tossed anything and everything I have with him in it.

on left, photo of a white appearing person with an angular haircut, heavy eye makeup, and wearing a white top; on right, a blue box with light blue quotation mark, white text "There is only one you for all time" - yellow text "fearlessly be yourself" and at bottom middle white text "Anthony Rapp"

Anthony Rapp is one of the most talented actors I’ve ever seen. What he’s most famous for right now is being on the newest Star Trek show. However, he’s been acting since before he hit double digits. He is highly respected due to his Broadway cred, especially having been a part of the OBC of Rent.

Rapp’s conversation with Buzzfeed where he shares a scary underage interaction with Spacey is incredibly raw. As a survivor myself, I absolutely understand the concerns he shares in the piece as well as the empowering feeling many of us have since more and more stories of famous abusers have come out. While we all obviously wish this wasn’t the case, it feels like progress is happening – like we are finally ripping apart some of the privilege white men hold, especially in the entertainment industry. While not the focus of the piece, Rapp shares some signs of PTSD – well, at least signs that I experience. I won’t armchair diagnose, but simply say this is so familiar – and so common – for survivors.

Spacey’s response… There is so much wrong with his statement. I don’t even know where to begin. The victim blaming of Rapp’s feels? It’s something I’ve experienced so much that I literally threw up in my mouth the first time I read this.

Don’t weaponize your sexual orientation, Kevin. You could’ve come out any other time, but only did so in order to distract from these issues. Stars from Billy Eichner to Zachary Quinto called bullshit on this quickly, and they weren’t alone. Organizations including GLAAD decried the situation, angry that many news agencies focused on Spacey’s sexuality rather than his pedosadistic actions… especially as more of Spacey’s victims and their families – like Heather Unruh and her son – come forward.

Spacey is now ‘seeking treatment’ of some sort of nature, though the exact thing is undisclosed. If he thinks dealing with alcoholism or pedosadist tendencies 30 years later will fix this, he’s sorely mistaken.

This statement just played into age-old myths equating all gay men to pedosadists. It’s absolutely disgusting for the queer community. I, for one, refuse to wrap him in our rainbow flag as a gay sibling. Anthony Rapp, on the other hand, will always be welcome in our community.

Back to Louis C.K….

photo of a person silhouetted against a starry sky - white text "THESE STORIES ARE TRUE. Louis C.K."

If you haven’t read Louis’ statement, I highly suggest doing so. I want to preface all this by saying I don’t believe this absolves Louis of his actions nor should it. This apology, though, is far better than any we’ve seen so far – especially in comparison to Spacey’s kinda-BS-statement-thing.

Unlike Spacey and others, Louis acknowledges that the actions he took were not okay. In addition, the sexual advances he made towards these women put them in an impossible situation. He admits that he abused both his power and his fame in his actions, something no other apology I’ve read takes into account.

Something that I’m especially grateful to see is Louis acknowledging his privileges: “I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen.” It feels like he’s been reading a variety of articles on how to respond to being called out – and acting based on them.

I won’t say that this statement is the best possible one. However, it’s the best one I’ve seen thus far… The recognition of abused power, harm done to many people in the process, and more is something we need to see. I’m sad that it takes people going through horrible experiences for us to see what apologetic behavior should look like. That said, it’s only good in comparison to the shittastic statements like Spacey has made. Louis spent years avoiding these allegations and hiding from them. Clearly, he knew then that these actions were wrong… so why apologize now? Is an apology enough, especially when he doesn’t even actually say he’s sorry?

I just don’t know.

What’s next?

The only people who can accept an apology are those harmed. I can’t say, as someone outside the specific situation, whether or not Louis’ statement does the trick. Regardless of how anyone feels about it, the proof is in the pudding, right? It won’t be until people see sustained changed behavior that the apology becomes fully recognized.

Apologetic words mean next to nothing if you don’t institute the changes to back them up. When confronted about their actions, many abusers will show sorrow or remorse. Frankly, that sorrow is more related to being caught than the harm itself. Each time I staged an intervention for my abusive mother, for instance, tears would flow and hugs would be freely given. Things would change for approximately two weeks. After that, though, the harm started creeping back in.

Most abusers, like C.K., commit harmful acts because of a power trip. That’s why we must constantly keep power in check using intersectional means. The more we work to dismantle what power like this can do, the more people we can protect from serial abusers.

Speak out. Say something when you see something inappropriate. Raise some hell.

Last minute addition:

I found Ellen Page’s recent post on things she’s been through incredibly moving. Please go read it. My favorite part is that she acknowledges her privilege while recognizing the disproportionate amount of abuse BIPOC endure:

Let’s remember the epidemic of violence against women in our society disproportionately affects low income women, particularly women of color, trans and queer women and indigenous women, who are silenced by their economic circumstances and profound mistrust of a justice system that acquits the guilty in the face of overwhelming evidence and continues to oppress people of color. I have the means to hire security if I feel threatened. I have the wealth and insurance to receive mental health care. I have the privilege of having a platform that enables me to write this and have it published, while the most marginalized do not have access to such resources. The reality is, women of color, trans and queer and indigenous women have been leading this fight for decades (forever actually). Marsha P. Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, Winona LaDuke, Miss Major, Audre Lorde, bell hooks, to name a few.

Further reading:

Heading to ACR

Posted on by Grayson Schultz

This afternoon, I board the first of two flights on my way to San Diego for the American College of Rheumatology annual meeting!

I’m incredibly excited to be attending this year. It’ll be my first year there. I’m unsure what exactly to expect. I’ll be covering sessions I attend here, when relevant. Sadly, there is no sex session this year – go figure!

If you’re in San Diego, hit me up! I leave Wednesday morning but would love to see you in the meantime.