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This dumpster fire of a year is finally fucking coming to a close! Fuck, yeah! Are you as excited-slash-terrified as I am? I’m hopeful that some shit will end, but know that we’re on the verge of new terrors and adventures. I’ve prepared by playing Wolfenstein non-stop since the 23rd and seeing The Last Jedi.
Here is some of the bullshit we really need to leave in this year:
Pressure-filled questions that reinforce gender stereotypes because, no, I’m not having human children. It’s no one’s business anyway. Other things that aren’t your business? Relationship plans, career plans, household plans, etc.
Language that’s fatmisic, shames neurodivergence, ableist, racist, anti-LGBT+ and otherwise bigoted unless you’re reclaiming it as a member of a specific group.
Refusing to feel all your feels – including anger. Anger is a valid emotion and one we have to let ourselves feel, especially in our current sociopolitical climate.
Hijacking, comparing, giving unsolicited advice, and Cure Evangelism (and more!). Start practicing compassion. Ask people if they want advice. Stop saying your grandmother’s second cousin’s roommate had XYZ and got better doing ABC. Stop saying “I have it worse than you!” and the like. Let other people feel their feelings, vent, and more without taking over – and therefore negating – their pain.
Toxic friends and family, including staying connected with people on social media that are bigots. Just walk away. Great Aunt Margaret will have to deal with the fact that she’s transmisic at some point. Don’t encourage her behavior by continuing to stay connected.
Being a goddamn bigot. Please just fucking grow up.
Shaming those of us who utilize fidget spinners. Guess what? They’re helpful for many of us with mental and physical issues and, fuck you, shaming that is ableist.
Ableist rhetoric that paints every mentally ill person as a murderer and every disabled person as inept or in a wheelchair. Ironically, the only thing that makes me want to hurt someone else is them being a bigot – especially about this shit. Also? Disabled peeps are more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators. Learn some shit.
Racist fucking shit. We get it – you’ve got privilege. Now use it to learn about the other BILLIONS of people in the world and how they get treated.
Shaming and blaming victims. From MeToo to gaslighting women of color about their experiences, I’m not having it.
Refusing to learn on your own. Search engines exist for a reason. Learn how to vet sources.
Gendering sex toys. Like, why the fuck is a dildo a female toy? It’s not! This shit only reinforces the gender binary (which shouldn’t exist).
Telling those of us who are trans, gender non-conforming, and queer/LGBT+ that we’re sinners, evil, should die, etc. I don’t have anything more to say about that other than – if this is you – fuck you.
Treating sex workers like shit. Sex work is one of the most accessible forms of work out there. Period. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t check out porn at least once in a while, either.
Pay for your shit. Stop using sites like Pornhub that doxx sex workers and steal their videos. Start paying for your porn through places like Crash Pad. Give people tips.
Refusing to take care of ourselves. Our society is so focused on productivity that we deny things we need. Self-care is important, though, and we have to start learning how to rest. This includes getting that mole checked out, seeing a therapist, sleeping, and eating enough.
The word handicapable. [insert eye roll here] The word is disabled. Say it. Handicap comes from disabled people begging and, essentially, it’s a slur, too. Changing it so it’s less horrifying for ableds isn’t doing anyone any favors.
Supporting organizations about people run by people outside of that group. Yep, I’m looking at you, Autism $peaks.
Alienating people who are highlighting marginalization issues (e.g., commenting “All Lives Matter!”). If all lives really mattered, we wouldn’t be having these conversations – or, you know, people of color being murdered by police.
Compromising your integrity for connections and opportunities. I’ve spent a lot of time entertaining relationships with people who weren’t good for me or the people and things that matter to me… because it might lead somewhere ‘nice.’ Never again.
Assuming someone’s tone by their written words. People constantly assume I’m saying things out of anger when I’m saying them matter-of-factly or kindly. Ask about tone if you’re confused or unsure – or just want to make sure your reaction is justified anger, not misplaced.
Companies that shame bloggers, writers, sex educators, and more. Enough.
Aiming for perfection. Literally, no one and nothing is perfect. Let’s stop pretending that’s a goal and start enjoying the journey.
Refusing to set boundaries. As someone who didn’t learn them growing up, I know it’s not an easy thing to learn. Still, boundaries are important for our well-being.
Assuming someone’s gender, sexual orientation, and pronouns based on their appearance. While we’re at it, stop assuming race, ethnicity, and everything else. Start asking people questions. Communicate.
Those ‘not my president’ shirts and gear. Am I the only one who forgets how racists used that in the last decade to negate Obama’s presidency? Why are we using a term built by racism? Seriously?
Equating pussies with femme-hood. Sure, I have a vulva and a vagina, but I’m not a woman. I’m genderfluid. Gender is in your heart, not your parts. Some women have penises. Some have penises and vulvas. Get over it.
Staying quiet because you believe it’s ‘not your place’ to speak up about something. Look, if two dudes are making creepy sexual comments about someone and you don’t speak up? You’re condoning and approving their behavior. Stop doing that.
Tone-policing. You do not get to tell someone (especially those experiencing a level of marginalization you don’t know) how to respond to anything. Ever.
Pretending you’re not hurt when you are. In order to fully feel and process our feels, we have to name them. For maximum health, we have to communicate issues with people. If we start learning how to say “Wow, that comment was very ableist and hurtful” we might be able to nip this shit.
What else would you like to see left in this year?
TW: some discussion of abuse, transmisia, cisheterosexism, racism, ableism
Like many people, I have mixed feelings about 2017. It’s been one of the most difficult years to be active in politics, activism, and advocacy work. At the same time, it’s been a pretty big year for me personally.
I struggle with how much of myself to share at times. There are so many people who appreciate and enjoy the vulnerability that I try to have. There are others who tell me that my attitude and focus on activism is “too much” for them. Being a people-pleaser (thanks, mother), it’s hard to navigate where to go. Naturally, my inclination is to try to please everyone. However, I know this is impossible.
As an activist, I’ve found that people who consider me to be “too much” are the same ones who want everyone to get along. This is also impossible.
As someone who is trans, queer, and disabled, I encounter people all the time who wish I didn’t exist. Our government enacts policies that make it harder for my people to continue living for this very reason. White supremacists in our government are pushing back against policies meant to increase equality.
I don’t know how anyone could sleep at night while trying to make friends with people who want me dead. I just don’t.
For a long time, I did pretty well hiding my anger. After I cut my mother out of my life, so much toxicity had left and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I was able to explore parts of myself I never could before. I tried to explore gender in college, but my mother didn’t want to hear anything about it. Since I’m open online about everything I’ve been through, I didn’t feel safe exploring that. Even though it caused me both physical and emotional pain, I bit my tongue when I should’ve spoken up about things under the guise of getting along with others.
In October 2016, I came out as not being cisgender and as being queer/pansexual. I had so many friends support me and rejoice with me for being able to articulate my gender identity and sexual orientation. In the months before, I learned more about integrity and the importance of staying true to myself. I started to push back against people’s misguided and hurtful comments.
A few weeks later when Cheeto Voldemort was elected, the fear and anger came back along with an overbearing sadness. I was disappointed in my fellow white people for refusing to see the challenges they were placing on others. I’d been blogging for nearly a decade openly about being disabled. I began to regret the vulnerability I showed in the past.
Combine that with my recently non-cishet identities and I was terrified.
I began to lose friends. It wasn’t because I hated people, but they refused to see why people in my communities – queer, trans, disabled – were afraid. They mocked us for our fear while preaching that we should all just learn to get along. What people mean in those moments is that they want us to deny who we are to make them more comfortable.
Fuck that.
I grew up in that world. I woke up and went to sleep every single day for two decades denying my truth. My mother wanted queers wiped out, openly made transmisic and racist comments, embraced white supremacist ideology, and wanted to lift me up as inspiration porn – but only if I relied on her for my care. I spent much of my life biting my tongue and not speaking out against these ridiculous dehumanizing statements. I made a very specific and very difficult choice in cutting my mother out of my life so she could no longer abuse me. Why would I let friends do the same things my mother did?
I mean, do y’all not know me?
The Lisa Simpson inside of me came out and started pushing back against comments that were hurtful and wrong. I became very vocal about how scared I was and how that fear was a very real and very valid response to our political climate.
First, I got rid of friends who thought my people were just overreacting. Then, I started leaving Facebook groups full of oppression olympics (e.g., “My pain is worse than yours!”). I got kicked out of feminist groups for suggesting that labeling oneself an intersectional feminist without welcoming trans/GNC people openly was hypocritical. Using my bachelor’s in religious studies, I shared knowledge with my religious friends about how their viewpoints on religion and non-cishet people were misguided and poor representations of their faith.
Hell, I even started to use my memory of conversations to push back against friends who told different stories of interactions with abusers to different audiences while telling my MeToo story. In the fallout from that, I got emails from ‘friends’ about how my being open about my entire life felt exclusionary to them because that wasn’t their life.
Just because I’m blunt doesn’t make me a bitch or an asshole. I don’t have the energy or the time to entertain people who refuse to see the dangers around us or who only want to look at happy cats on their social media. That doesn’t change or fix our world. Yes, self-care has a place, but fighting needs to happen, too. Between contacting my political representatives daily, protesting, and more, there’s no room for me to please those who only want to see smiling, happy faces. That’s especially true when my health tanked this year.
In losing people who weren’t really friends in a do-or-die sense, though, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m compassionate until someone gives me a reason not to be. People insert tone into my sentences that isn’t there, and that’s not my fault. When I hide emotions, I literally get sicker and deal with a huge amount of pain.
Most of all, I’ve learned that being angry is okay. Anger is an important emotion, one that we have to let ourselves feel. Life isn’t all rainbows, pride parades, and popcorning guinea pigs. Sometimes, life is anger, leading the Rebellion into the Empire’s fortresses. It’s waking up every single day ready to be on the attack because, if we’re not, our rights get taken away.
It’s been this way, every day, for over a year. Maybe I’m too much like Hamilton and I should talk less, smile more. I’m sure I’d get more opportunities, more work if I was just happier… but that’s not me. I work non-stop to help people. Being angry protects me from reaching back out to abusers, and I write for those in similar situations. Anger fuels my fight against those who would have me eliminated or harmed. It pushes me harder in research, writing, politics, and at the gym.
I’m angry – and that’s okay. I have every right to be, and so do you.
It’s been a bit of a shit year, hasn’t it? The only thing that’s saved it, for me, is that I’m motivated to keep fighting the bullshit constantly coming down the pike. Taking everything into account, these are my favorite things from 2017.
Delightful Cycle
My high school pal Alex’s company Delightful Cycle really took off this year. In this guest post, she highlights why she chose to start a menstruation-related subscription box – and her own struggles with health issues. Since then, she’s started shipping internationally! If I still had regular periods, you best believe I’d sign up.
Caragold Premium Lube
I have to say I’m pretty bummed. I love this CBD-infused lube from Good Clean Love… but they seem to not be making it anymore. It’s sold out on a lot of sites now, too. I’ve tried to look to see why, but haven’t found any answers. If you search, you can still find this in some stores, but it’s not easy to find. It’s a shame because this lube is very helpful for pain related to sex.
Flogging
One of my favorite things about attending conferences this year was learning more about BDSM/kink and having the opportunity to try some things out. The biggest benefit I saw? My year-long fibromyalgia flare stopped after trying flogging. Really. Whenever my fibro acts up, I take out my flogger and practice some self-flagellation and I’m good within a few hours.
#MeToo (kinda?)
There are problems with the MeToo movement as practiced right now, especially because so much of the focus is on famous white cishet women. I’m grateful that conversations are happening around sexual violence, but also upset at the lack of intersectionality within them… and how people who support survivors as a whole question individual stories.
Talkspace
Because of the prevalence of MeToo and discussions about harassment and sexual violence, Talkspace decided to give away three months of free therapy to survivors. I’m lucky enough to be one of the recipients and it’s been a life-changer. I still skirt around issues because I’m great at that, but being able to text my therapist? Amazing!
Doxy Massager and Queen Bee
My two favorite sex toys this year are the Doxy Massager and Queen Bee. Both of these are easy to use, provide amazing vibrations, and can also be super effective general body massagers. There’s a reason why my neck pain isn’t as bad as it was earlier this year, and these toys are certainly a part of it.
University of Guelph Sexuality Conference
I had such an amazing time at the Guelph Sexuality Conference this year. It was the first sexuality conference I’ve attended and it was the best. The research presented was so affirming to the work I do. The companies there talking with people – like Come As You Are – were the most fun to talk to. On top of that, I got to meet some of my absolute favorites like Eva of What’s My Body Doing. Plus, come on, it’s in Canada!
Planet Fitness
I was on the fence about joining PF at first. After taking the tour of the local one, though, I really liked it. There’s no pressure like I’ve felt at other gyms. I’ve gone from only doing physical therapy exercises at home to working out 4-6 times a week. It’s so easy to go, give it my all, and leave.
KLB Research
Dr. Karen Blair conducts a lot of research about sexuality. As a college student, Blair was unable to find queer-inclusive research – so now that’s her focus. So many studies are cisheteronormative, so it’s refreshing to see someone addressing the needs of the LGBT+ community.
Formidable Femme
Sarah is one of my favorite people. She talks very openly about being an abuse survivor, pleasure as resistance, mental health, and more. These are conversations that we have to be having.
Hedonish
It’s no secret that Rachael is one of my favorite people on this earth. Hell, we’re business partners! She talks openly about how difficult it is to live with chronic illnesses that affect her sex life. Vulva pain can be incredibly alarming and she handles it so well.
JoEllen Notte
JoEllen is one of the first sex bloggers I ever met. I got to go to dinner with her, Stella Harris, and Kate Kenfield in Portland last year and just couldn’t believe this is my life. Every time I see her, JoEllen brings warmth and frankness to discussions of introversion, sex, and depression.
Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life
Elle Chase‘s latest book is one of the best I’ve ever read. One of the things I love the most is that she goes through basic sex education information, accessibility, and more. It’s really a one-stop-shop for knowledge we should all have, regardless of our curves. Check out my review.
Patients & Providers
Micah and my friend Charlie started curating a series of posts on health care and transgender/gender nonconforming people called Transgender Health: Patients & Providers. It’s been a great read! Topics covered so far include gender in research, finding trans-friendly providers, mental health, and more.
Look, I love all my affiliates. I really do. Still, there are some I would jump through any hoop for.
Amazon
I just added Amazon as an affiliate, so I’m not sure how things will go. That said, I’m really excited to bring you the collection of my favorite things.
Vibrant
It’s no secret that Vibrant is my absolute favorite. On top of providing amazing information and education, they only sell body-safe toys. They also donate all their proceeds to the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains, a cause near and dear to my heart. I volunteered with PP in Oregon when I was a high schooler and have been a big supporter of theirs ever since.
Liberty Lotion
I haven’t posted a review of Liberty Lotion products here but have at Not Standing Still’s Disease. Their products are incredible for pain relief. Their CBD lotion smells amazing and provides a calming and cooling comfort. Their tincture is good, too. I need to try more of their stuff!
Some of these books are out now. It’s close enough to 2018, though, that I’ll never get to them this year! A little disclaimer: I’m not much of a non-fiction person, so you won’t find much from that world here. You’ll find health, history, human rights, comics, and more, though!
Ask Me About My Uterus: A Quest to Make Doctors Believe in Women’s Pain by Abby Norman
Abby is at the top of my list for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I’m lucky enough to know her. She is a large part of why I share the realities of living with chronic illnesses. I won’t ruin Abby’s story by sharing it here, but it’s a harrowing journey full of gaslighting and sexism from medical providers due to being a young woman with excruciating pain. As a fan of Abby’s, I’m so excited to see her writing journey blast off.
The Radium Girls: The Dark Story of America’s Shining Women by Kate Moore
The Radium Girls tells a harrowing story that many don’t know – one of girls working in radium factories. At this point, the dangers of radium weren’t known. Concerns about side effects were ignored and corruption ran rampant. Still, thanks to the women who went through this process, we have tighter regulations on harmful chemicals today.
Big Mushy Happy Lump by Sarah Andersen
If you’re a fan of the Sarah’s Scribbles comics? She talks openly about anxiety, relationships, and adulthood in this latest edition of her work. This came out in March, but I’ve been slow on the uptake!
When They Call You a Terrorist by Patrisse Khan-Cullors & Asha Bandele
Khan-Cullors is a co-founder of Black Lives Matter in addition to being an artist, speaker, activist, and Fulbright scholar. Oh, you know, she also won the 2017 Sydney Peace Prize, right? Bandele is a world-renown journalist and activist with the Drug Policy Alliance. Together, the two explain the founding of BLM while debunking the many myths floating around.
So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
Oluo is one of the most prolific writers of our time. She’s not afraid to call-out racism and discrimination when she sees it. In this work, Oluo highlights how racism affects our society from microaggressions to overt actions. In order to become a better accomplice, it’s important to face these issues head-on.
Not That Bad, edited by Roxane Gay
With pieces from notable activists such as Gabrielle Union and Ally Sheedy, this book covers the many ways sexism pervades our society. With the response to the MeToo movement, this is timely and so very needed – especially as many of us recognize how much we shirk off inappropes comments. Topics include immigration, sexual violence, and more.
The World Only Spins Forward: The Ascent of Angels in America by Isaac Butler
It’s been two decades since Angels in America hit it big, sweeping awards shows and gaining international praise for its portrayal of queer life and HIV/AIDS activism. This book offers a written oral history account of conversations and debates between many players over the years – actors, producers, and more.
Dread Nation by Justina Ireland
This is the only piece of fiction on the list! I’m a sucker for historical pieces that add in zombies. In this novel, zombies pop up during the Civil War. Jane, the main character, is a black woman who learns everything she can about fighting in order to use her skills in the ‘service’ of others. Race, humanity, and survival all come together in both familiar and new ways.
Invisible: How Young Women with Serious Health Issues Navigate Work, Relationships, and the Pressure to Seem Just Fine by Michelle Lent Hirsch
Like Abby’s book, this one highlights the story of many women who are gaslit, not believed, or try to ‘tough it out’ when they fall ill. Lent Hirsch highlights how various identities play into these issues, such as how women of color and trans women often find it even harder to be heard. I am beyond excited to read such an intersectional take on paternalism in healthcare.
Everyone’s a Aliebn When Ur a Aliebn Too by Jomny Sun
What happens when a lonely alien is outcast and is supposed to write about humans on a foreign planet? Friendship, sads, happiness, and cool drawings you can color in. It’ll make you cry, but then remind you to smile. Even Lin-Manuel Miranda said “Jomny Sun’s incredible writing knocks you to the floor, breathless, then scoops you up and gives you a kiss where it hurts before it occurs to you to cry. Read this book only if you want to feel more alive.”
You can find these all and more of my favorites at my Amazon page. Go get your read on!
TW gender dysphoria, molestation/sexual abuse mention
It’s been a while since I did an update on my pelvic floor therapy journey. The truth is that, while it’s been immensely helpful, it’s also been quite dysphoria-inducing.
I canceled a few appointments here and there. It felt like going in would do more harm than good. On top of that, I haven’t ‘come out’ as genderfluid to any of my providers. Hell, most of them assume I’m straight because I’m married to a dude. It’s hard to find providers that fit right for me and I fear losing them to bigotry by coming out.
Plus, honestly, having someone play with my vagina is… a little PTSD-inducing, too. I was molested as a child and, no matter what I did, I couldn’t erase concerned thoughts from my mind. On top of that, we don’t talk enough about our sexual parts which makes communication around this awkward.
There are a lot of factors that make this less accessible to many of us.
That said, I kept up with my home exercises and added in newer ones along the way. Things that allow me to work outside of appointments really let my ability to learn and expand on that knowledge shine.
On Monday, I got the great news that we’re done with pelvic floor therapy. It was certainly a relief to hear.
The intense spasms that led me to therapy have drastically decreased in frequency and intensity. Instead of waking up several times a week in the middle of the night at 8/10 pain, I’ve only had a handful of occasions over the last few weeks. The most recent middle-of-the-night spasm was last week. Instead of being 8/10, I was sitting at 5/10. It took less time for the pain to ease, too. The pain I’ve had testing toys and being sexy has gone down as well.
Learning more about my pelvic floor and how to strengthen it has been immensely helpful. I’ll be highlighting some of my favorite tips next week. For now, though, it’s time to celebrate!
Haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet? It’s okay! Vibrant’s got you covered!
You can save 20% off of their holiday collection using code HOLIDAY17. The sale runs until 11:59 PM MT on Monday, December 18th.
As always, you can save 45% off of the Ola Vibrator using the code VIP45 or save 10% off of any Vibrant order using CHRONICSEX.
Happy shopping!
Sins Invalid is one of my favorite sites. They focus on intersections and social justice, especially around sexuality and disability. We have to view people as whole beings, not diagnoses codes.
They’re also just so damn cool:
We define disability broadly to include people with physical impairments, people who belong to a sensory minority, people with emotional disabilities, people with cognitive challenges, and those with chronic/severe illness. We understand the experience of disability to occur within any and all walks of life, with deeply felt connections to all communities impacted by the medicalization of their bodies, including trans, gender variant and intersex people, and others whose bodies do not conform to our culture(s)’ notions of “normal” or “functional.”
They hosted a Facebook Live a few weeks ago that was super amazing and hella popular. It had such a wide reach that they’re holding another!
That’s right! Later tonight, from 6:30-7:30 pm Pacific, you can pop over and check out their live stream! You can ask questions via FB or this Google Form beforehand. If you’re catching this later, you’ll be able to watch via the videos tab on their page.
Did I mention it’s live captioned?
I seriously love them.
Go like them on Facebook and be sure to tune in later tonight!
Featured image from Sins Invalid email.
Disclaimer: I was given the Umie for free in exchange for my honest review.
There’s a lot to say, so let’s just dig in.
The Umie is 9.5 inches long and made of silicone.
It charges via USB and the cord is included in the package. You can take the Umie underwater with you for up to 30 minutes.
There is a partner app that makes the Umie incredibly accessible. I’ll touch more on that below, but it’s the thing that makes this toy worthwhile.
Without the app, I’m not sure how much I’d be able to figure out the toy. The buttons are small to not get in the way, but also don’t lend themselves to great accessibility. It’s not always easy to tell which button you’re touching in the moment – or to press it.
A sun symbol controls the heat while a symbol similar to a wifi one cycles through the patterns. The arrow at the bottom of the toy turns it on, which seems to be different for many toys. I doubt neither myself nor my husband would be able to remember any of this.
I honestly just mashed the buttons until they turned on each time I used the Umie.
For me, the app really saved the day. It allows you to control and access a number of features that would be tricky to move through with the Umie alone. You can turn the toy off, control intensity, move through preset patterns, and more.
There was no accessible way to enjoy this toy without the app.
I really appreciated the warming feature in the toy, especially now that we’ve gotten freezing temperatures here in the Midwest. It takes a few minutes to warm up, but that feature needs to be included in so many more toys.
A lot of learning about and playing with this toy was through trial and error more than having a roadmap. There was more explanation in the app itself, but that’s also not accessible for many people.
The presets were great for changing up the sensations Umie doles out. I appreciated the draw-your-own-pattern/custom mode as well, though I wish there was more information on this. The sound mode seemed like a fun idea, but didn’t seem to correlate that great with sounds in our bedroom, whether I was alone or not.
I made the mistake of giving the hubs control of my phone while playing with the Umie. It was a fun mistake, but also led to me getting vibrations from Andrew Gurza’s Disability After Dark podcast, the Beauty & The Beast Original Broadway Cast Soundtrack, and videos of the guinea pigs.
The problem is that, while you can access media to sync with the vibrations you feel, there’s no separation. Podcast episodes were alongside voice memos and songs with no way to access playlists through the app. The videos were even worse, though that’s probably because all my videos are of our guinea pigs or my niblings.
It was, uh, weird.
Plus, there seemed to be little correlation between the intensity of the vibrations and the media being played. A rap song with heavy bass gave the same constant vibration as Andrew’s beautiful voice. Vibrations went 0-100 very quickly. While this was a nice potential feature, it feels like these things weren’t fleshed out fully before release.
There was a lot of fun in letting T control the app and not knowing what was going to happen. That was really the end of that excitement, though. Maybe if I were better at being serious and communicating what I like or if we got a little more serious in the bedroom, this would’ve worked better. The design needs some tweaking, though.
I can see this being fun for play when I travel or if we were long-distance. It would really have to be combined with a call or Skype, though. We didn’t try to access the actual long-distance features.
I’ll admit that I’m a little… I fell odd about the gendered nature of this toy. The marketing is geared towards women, either single or in a relationship. Even the colors – pink or white – tend to be more femme-geared ones for toys. They even label the toy the “PREMIER PLEASURE TOY FOR BOTH WOMEN AND COUPLES.”
In the app’s social component that allows you to interact with other users if you so choose, you can only select between male and female. It felt odd to be misgendered by a sex toy – and their company.
There seems to be some cisheteronormativity going on, too. In everything I could find, the only couples interviewed or featured were cis-appearing male/female couples. They were also white… which brings up another issue. I know that it’s not always easy to display diversity, but you can’t rely on white abled-appearing cishet couples to sell a sex toy. You just can’t.
There are a lot of comments on Umie/Tantriss’ social media around unlocking enlightenment using this toy. Even the preset vibrations are names related to Asian religions – Nirvana, Chakra, etc. Without being able to find much about Umie/Tantriss’ background, this feels very appropriative to me. It’s essentially a sex toy version of commercialized yoga or Buddhism… especially since there’s no education around Tantra on their site or in their app. The site mentions breathwork, for example, but nothing more about it.
Look, my undergraduate degree was in religious studies and I focused heavily on Asian religions, so this really irks me. There’s so much appropriation of these cultural ideals and beliefs in our society. When someone adept at internet searching can’t find much about the background of your company in relation to these ideals, it’s definitely not a great look.
As problematic as this is, I enjoyed the vibrator. I liked being able to switch things up on my phone, that I can do it one-handed. There’s an app for this toy that makes it more accessible when my hands are having a rough arthritis day. It’s lightweight and easy to move around.
All the problematic stuff, though, brings me down. I’m post-orgasm and should be super happy. Instead, I’m relaxed but super irked. This isn’t something I feel comfortable endorsing because it goes against so many things I fight for – gender neutrality, cultural respect, diversity, social justice, etc. There’s not enough transparency about the company to even know if this is appropriative or not, but it feels that way. It shouldn’t be hard to find the background of your company, either, and that’s off-putting.
I don’t know that I’ve ever had a sex toy cause me to feel so much shame. If you made it to the end here, I wish I had something awesome to give you.
You can always save 10% off more ethical gear over at Vibrant when you use the code ‘CHRONICSEX’ (not applicable for use with other coupon codes). Likewise, you can save 10% at Peepshow Toys using ‘CHRONIC.’ At the very least, maybe check out Pink Label. They have amazing porn full of diversity, representation, and beautiful consent!
If interested, you can snag the Umie directly from Umie/Tantriss.
The amazing people over at Hot Octopuss gave me the Queen Bee for free in exchange for an honest review.
Technology brings us the most amazing things sometimes. The Queen Bee is one of them. I just finished testing it and I’m honestly a bit speechless, so let’s just dive right in.
Queen Bee is two-sided in the best way.
One side is massage-oriented, delivering nice vibrations without being too overwhelming. You’ll also find the controls and charging spot on the handle on this side.
The other side has what really makes Queen Bee different – their multi-award winning PulsePlate Technology™ that delivers more powerful oscillations.
There are six vibration patterns to choose from. With two sides and several intensity settings, this gives you a fun list of combinations to play with. The Queen Bee is also completely waterproof!
Queen Bee charges using a magnetic USB cord, maximizing your pleasure if you care about the earth. You can run it for up to an hour on one charge, too, which is nice. It takes about four hours to fully charge.
It’s 9.5 inches long and is made of TPE/TPR. Hot Octopuss suggests using a water-based lubricant if you pick this up. Make sure to clean after each use!
From an accessibility standpoint, Queen Bee is pretty great. It’s ergonomic in design and pretty light. It’s easy to access the control and change anything. I really enjoyed it from that aspect as there aren’t many toys out there that are relatively easy for me to use without interrupting the fun. That said, the controls aren’t necessarily intuitive. I’ve found myself switching vibration patterns instead of increasing the intensity. I usually struggle with this, though, and didn’t find it to be much of a deterrent.
It’s a little loud. Hot Octopuss rates this at under 55 decibels, which is about what a fridge or air conditioner sounds like in your home. It’s not the toy for you if you’re looking for something incredibly quiet and discrete.
In order to really get the full effect from the pulse plate, I had to actively separate my labia and set the toy against it. When trying to snag clitoral stimulation from other toys, I have been able to get away with not doing that. The other side, though, was able to bring fun sensations regardless of where I set it.
An orgasm was fairly easy either way, though slightly less so if I was squirming and needed to recenter the pulse plate side. All in all, I wasn’t turned off by that. It’s kind of fun to tease yourself sometimes. Plus, with how easy it was to move and control Queen Bee, having to put in a little more effort there wasn’t an issue.
If you’re looking for something discrete, quiet, or insertable, Queen Bee isn’t something you’ll be happy with in the end. Don’t get me wrong – I like it – but not everyone does.
As a vulva owner, I enjoyed the Queen Bee. It’s certainly worth taking a look at getting your hands on one. It’s versatile, different, and sleek. I can also see how it would be a great toy regardless of gender, too, because it’s very similar to wand massagers but lighter and easier to control.
You can snag the Queen Bee from Hot Octopuss or from my affiliates Peepshow Toys and SheVibe.