You read that right! The podcast is back!
You can listen on SoundCloud or iTunes.
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Life Effects from Slate
Back in November, I posted across social media that I was doing something super cool. I didn’t want to spill the beans, though, so I kept it under wraps.
Now I can share!
Slate (yes, that Slate) has a new podcast called Life Effects. Hosted by Nikki Webber Allen, this podcast talks about the experiences of people with depression. I’m on a couple episodes discussing triggers and technology’s effects on depression – good and bad.
As a heads up, during the triggers episode, I talk about or at least mention the following potential triggers: abuse, child abuse, self-harm, and the process of what it’s like to have my PTSD triggered.
Anyway, go take a listen.
Dealing With Triggers: A Webinar for Survivors
I’m so excited for this webinar coming up this Sunday, the 14th.
In this trauma-informed space, we will gather to explore ways to deal with triggers – events that bring up old trauma, take us out of current time, knock us off center, activate our stress responses, and make life really heard.
Using a combination of somatic exercises, journalling, and discussion, we will examine ways to return home to our bodies and re-connect with our centered selves. We will look at triggers both in the context of long-term healing and short-term management strategies. Participants will leave with a sense of possible paths forward, and concrete tools they can use.
This webinar will have live captions and Spanish interpretation. If you cannot join this webinar live, you may still RSVP to get access to the recording afterwards.
The webinar goes live at 7 PM ET / 6 PM CT / 5 PM MT / 4 PM PT. There are currently tickets ranging from $5-50 for this webinar, so it’s cost friendly.
Click here to register.
Photo is courtesy of The Icarus Project, a support network and education project by and for people who experience the world in ways that are often diagnosed as mental illness.
Yes/No/Maybe: Setting Sexual Boundaries
One of the best facilitators for communication around sexual acts is a yes/no/maybe list. Essentially, this lays out a number of sexual acts as well as language around anatomy. You rank them and can discuss more with your partner.
There are so many versions of this list out there, and they all vary around different things. Some are kink-based while others are centered around polyamory, risk-aware sex practices, or other things. There are lists that give you ideas to rate and others that are blank. There is certainly value in both, depending on what you’re into.
Here are some of my favorite yes/no/maybe lists.
Bex over at Bex Talks Sex has one of my favorite lists. Like me, Bex organizes things with differences in color and text. They’ve got lists for sexual acts, kinky acts, language, and a really comprehensive list of things you can build your list from. There are more nuances in Bex’s categories, too – it’s not just a yes/no/maybe list. It’s a yes-into/yes-willing/maybe/soft-no/hard-no list. I think that fits real life a lot better. A person after my own heart, Bex has a downloadable PDF as well as an excel sheet.
That said, just because I nerd out over Bex’s list doesn’t mean it’s the right list for everyone.
Autostraddle has a great worksheet that also touches upon what lube ingredients you can/can’t/won’t use and a Venn diagram of sexy activities partners have in common.
Scarleteen’s list includes words and activities that can be triggering, relationship models, risk-aware sex practices, and even birth control. It’s a really great list, and I love just about everything on their site.
Poly Notes on Tumblr has a list that focuses on what activities are okay for people to do in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships. They even suggest having a list that is for a couple to do together and a separate one for how comfortable they are with those actions involving other people.
Sunny Megatron also has a great list that showcases different activities. It is just a list of activities though, and you would need to create your own worksheet (or use another one listed here).
Each of these lists has great information and there are things on most of them that are unique.
Something to keep in mind is that these things change. Lists don’t have to be set in stone. It’s fine to alter them and even revisit them from time to time. I went through and used Bex’s template for mine and I feel like I have a better understanding of what my maybes and nos are specifically. I added a tab for activities with people other than my partner, triggers, and body/emotional boundaries.
That’s one thing I love about these lists – it’s incredibly easy to add or subtract things based on your lifestyle.
How Do You Deal With Desensitization?
I received the following anonymous question recently:
How do you deal with desensitization? Ever since my injury in my sacrum area, my nether regions still get aroused. However, it’s much harder to get off. I have tried deep breathing, toys, fantasy, and I haven’t been able to just be in my body without relying on it and really miss just enjoying myself without a fix. Sometimes it feels like the nerves are just not as sensitive anymore.
Desensitization sucks. Seriously.
That’s so frustrating! I have some nerve issues and know what that can be like. One of the best toys I’ve found is the Doxy Massager. It’s a plug-in magic wand that has very high vibrations. A lot of people find it easier to orgasm or have fun with this toy. I wrote a review back in November. It can take a little while to get more sensitive if you’re starting to re-engage those nerves, so it’s not a bad idea to set almost like a workout schedule if that makes sense? Something like the Doxy or another wand massager would be really good for that.
Another option would be to see if you can go to physical therapy for your pelvic floor muscles. This helps to evaluate the muscles and nerves that help control your genitals. It can feel a little invasive, especially as they do have to do some hands-on work. You could also try doing some pelvic floor exercises on your own, but I highly recommend going in if you’re able to and insurance covers it. I’ve written about my experience as well as some tips and tricks if that’s helpful. Sex therapists can be very helpful with some of this stuff, too.
Sometimes medication can affect how we orgasm or feel things, too, so it might be worth looking at your medications to see what helps. One thing that I’ve noticed for me is that I like some things I didn’t use to before some of my nerves got shot. Receiving oral sex, for instance, is something I’ve only begun to like in the last few years. It may be worth playing with things that way to see what feels different now.
I will admit that my nerve issues aren’t too severe. My friend Rachael who runs Hedonish has dealt with it a lot more and may be able to suggest some other things, too.
Edited to add: JoEllen Notte also recommends the Doxy and things like erotic stimulation (e-stim) and fire play – not necessarily right on the genitals, but as a way to feel sensations in that area. Sensation play like this can be very effective in helping with desensitization issues.
Want to ask an anonymous question? Head over to the Ask Page! You can fill out a contact form to ask me a question, and I’ll respond as quickly as I can.
ClexaCon Fundraiser: Disability Representation Panel
If you haven’t already heard, I’ll be heading to ClexaCon this April! I’m incredibly excited as I’ll be on two panels. One is about sex ed for queer peeps called Let’s Get Cliterate! The other panel is about disability representation in queer media.
For the latter one, we’ve set up a GoFundMe to raise funds for those of us traveling to Vegas for the conference.
This panel is so needed. The fundraiser will go to cover travel and lodging during the conference for our panel peeps. One of our panel peeps has, unfortunately, had to drop out due to health, and we’re hoping to have some surprises from them at our panel at least.
Please consider donating. I’m driving and staying at an Airbnb to save on costs. Still, with having to get a new car sans planning, having any money to cover our travel and lodging would be very much appreciated. And that’s just me! There are others attending that could use the help as well.
Please consider sharing even if you’re unable to donate.
The Revolution Must Be Accessible, Part 1: Image Descriptions
This piece started as a Twitter thread on Dec 3, 2017 — International Persons with Disability Day — and first went up on our Medium page. Heads up for a gif in the next page scroll down and a food picture later on.
When I was six, I struggled with iritis. It’s a type of uveitis affecting your iris. Like any other kind of uveitis, it can lead to vision problems and even loss. Having had several flare-ups of this over the years, I’m always nervous when it comes to my annual ophthalmology visit. I face other issues with my vision, too, making those annual checks even more concerning and anxiety-inducing.
All it takes is my juvenile arthritis or other conditions attacking my eyes to put me in danger again.
Because of that, I’ve become a bit of a stickler for adding in image descriptions.
Why is this important?
Look, screen readers can’t ‘read’ the photos of your cats you put up on Facebook or Twitter. That means that any cuteness you want to share gets missed by people with health issues affecting their vision.
When you leave out image descriptions, you become inaccessible. You say, knowingly or not, that your convenience or haste is more important than fully sharing something with another person.
There’s a lot more I could say, but the important thing is this: We have to start adding in descriptions to your photos and gifs to be fully accessible, regardless of your cause or photos.
Accessibility starts with those who care enough to participate in it.
Social Media
As much as we all seem to have a love-hate relationship with Twitter, they do a little better on accessibility around photos than other social media outlets. There is an option on Twitter to add in descriptions under settings > general > accessibility.
Turn this on! Make sure to actually utilize it. There’s no use in having that turned on if you’re not going to use it.
I use gifs a lot and wasn’t sure how to be accessible for a while. The new 280-character tweets, though, make this easier! I add a description at the end of the tweet or in the next tweet (connecting them as a reply/thread).
Here’s an example of one way to describe a gif:
With famous figures, most people tend to know who you’re talking about. You could add in that he’s black or that this gif is from Whose Line Is It Anyway? if you want. There’s really no wrong way to do these things.
On Twitter, once you’re doing more replies, you can’t add a description attached to a photo. That pisses me off. There’s still a way to be accessible, though!
In Twitter replies, just like on gifs, try adding in the description at the end of your tweet or in a subsequent tweet. In Twitter replies, on Facebook, and elsewhere, it’s helpful to insert an image description for full accessibility at the bottom of your writing in those square brackets, like so:
![screenshot of a facebook post - "/food/ I feel way too excited about my gluten free cupcakes right now... especially because these turned out absolutely perfect despite getting fancy and adding peppermint. [Photo of chocolate cupcakes in a silver cupcake pan on a stove with a purple-backed white caption: "when ya make gorgeous GF cupcakes"]"](https://i0.wp.com/www.chronicsex.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/facebook-e1515077675518.png?resize=350%2C333&ssl=1)
Sites
On places like Medium, consider adding the image descriptions as captions for the photo. They don’t allow you to put in descriptions outside of captions or additional text.
On blogs or other sites, you can either handle this through captions or you can utilize alt-text for this (which is what I tend to do here). This even raises your SEO score and can make your page more likely to show up higher in search results as well.
If you have WordPress, there are accessibility plugins to explore for maximum accessibility. There are even themes more suited to accessibility. Choosing these makes ensuring access easier for you and makes your site easier for people with a variety of accessibility needs.
What to Include
I often have people ask what to include in image descriptions. I used to try to add text that covered anything and everything from the photo in great detail. Sometimes, less is more, though.
The best answer is to focus on the subject of the image.
Use gender-neutral wording for people in pics (unless you know pronouns/gender). When adding in skin color or ethnicity, use ‘X appearing’ or ‘X passing’ unless you know that person’s ethnicity.
Here’s a good example:
And an animal-focused one:
And here’s a non-living thing one:
We can all do better
I tend to not add descriptions to photos I post on Instagram or Pinterest. Most people think of those as picture-focused mediums and don’t think of it. I also don’t do this on videos and I should, at least for background information. I am going to work on doing better in both of these areas, and I hope you join me.
If you’re ever sure whether or not something is accessible, just ask. If ever you feel the need to run stuff by someone, I’m always happy to help provide guidance or look for answers when I can.
Once you start, it’s easy to work in other social media avenues and become far more accessible. That way, everyone can join in on the fun — and the revolution.
Further reading
- We Need Your Help: Specifying Race and Gender in Image Descriptions
- All About Image Descriptions
- Image Descriptions – Stanford Online Accessibility Program
- Image Descriptions and Alt Text
- How to make images accessible for people on Twitter
- How to Make Your Blog Accessible to Blind Readers
- Beyond Access: Facebook’s Automated Image Descriptions and Disability Justice
How to Get More Hits on Dating Sites
The dating world is odd. It’s not the same as it was a decade ago, but that doesn’t mean changes are bad. With so many apps and sites to choose from, it can be hard to figure out why you aren’t getting as many hits as you’d like. After playing with some of the leading sites and apps, I came up with some tips.
A Word About Disclosure
I always err on the side of disclosing too much rather than not enough. Look, I’m a “too much” person as it is, ya know? Why pause that for dating? I shared the basics of my health issues on my first date with my husband and I’m not shy about sharing these things in general.
Does that mean I may get fewer likes than an abled person on a dating site? Perhaps – but it also means the people who talk to me know more about what they’re getting into and choose to talk with me more. I hate nothing more than to get invested in someone, only to find that they’re ableist AF.
Photos
What kinds of photos have you got on your profile? If the only pictures you have are of kids or memes, expect fewer likes. It’s hard to meet up at a bar and know who you’re looking for if you only have a pet, a child, and a Wolfenstein meme to go off of.
When you’re putting up photos of yourself, make sure to have current ones towards the front. It’s great that you really love your senior high school photos, but you probably don’t look like that anymore. Don’t be like people I know who shared photos a decade old and moved halfway across the world for each other based on that and chatting.
Only putting up pics of you with pals or family makes it hard for someone to see you for you. They might think your username is tied to Great Aunt Gertrude! Try to put up at least one picture of you alone (or with a pet!) so that people know who you are. To get maximum hits, that should be your profile picture, too.
Some apps and sites have limitations on what photos can be shared, while others don’t. Keep this in mind as you choose the photos that display your life, personality, and favorite things.
Bio
OkCupid was great for long bios until they started forcing people to use first names (while publicly shaming some people’s usernames). They’ve partially walked their stance back, but the fact remains that it’s no longer a safe place for people who are trans, polyamorous, have stalkers, or have unique names. I liked their biography setup the most, especially as you can answer random questions and see who near you has similar answers. Alas, since it’s unsafe, we have to consider how else to write effective bios for other sites and apps.
Most sites only allow a snippet of information that OKC allowed. The most important thing to consider when writing your dating bio is what is most important to you. If you’re mostly looking for someone else who likes the horror genre to hang out with, don’t forget to put that. Other things that are a must: pronouns, wants, do-not-wants, and sexual orientation.
Your bio is also a great place to put any illness or disability-related things you want someone to know. Should they avoid fragrances? Do you need wheelchair-accessible spaces? Will being around shrimp kill you? Do you have a service animal? These are great things for people to know if they want to invite you out for dinner.
Personality
Does your personality shine throughout your profile? Does it feel like ‘you’ or like a stranger? I find it much more comforting when things are written in similar ways to how I would say them. Because of that, I tend to use whole sentences. Others condense for space or sub in emojis which is fine, too. It’s all about that balance between space and your personality.
The biggest point is to do what works for you while displaying all the coolness you have to offer. Without sharing cute solo pics, a kickass bio, and your amazing personality, people won’t be able to see all the awesomeness that is you.
Chat Schedule Thru July 2018
I’m trying to do better with holding chat more often than not. Below is what I’m projecting to be the schedule for January thru July 2018. Of course, by nature of being chronically ill on top of traveling, this may change. Check #chronicsex on Twitter Thursdays for the latest updates. Make sure to read this beginner’s post about chat, too.
January:
- 11
- 18
- 25
February:
- 1 – guest hosted by Andrew Gurza
- 8
I’ll be presenting at Playground in Toronto the weekend of 23-25 – come join in!
March:
- 1
- 15
- 29
I’m presenting at Safe Healthy Strong in Milwaukee on the 21st or 22nd. I’ll update y’all when I know which day for sure.
April:
- 19
April is a busy month! I’ll be presenting at ClexaCon in Las Vegas over the weekend of 6-8 as a part of two panels – one on queer sex education and the other on queer disability representation. The hubs and I are going to extend that into a vacation. I’m holding space for two other conferences later in the month as well.
May:
- 17
- 24
- 31
June:
- 7
- 21
- 28
July:
- 5
- 19
- 26
I’ll be presenting at Poly Dallas over the weekend of 13-15 about the complications of polyamory when you’re living with health crud. I’m really excited about this topic and about bringing it to light… and super excited that my BFF lives in Dallas, too!
4 Tips for Strengthening Your Pelvic Floor
TW: gendered language in most of the links 🙁
Going to pelvic floor therapy this year really taught me a lot. Many of us have been taught that Kegels are the be all end all exercise for our pelvic floor. The reality is much, much different.
The Continence Foundation of Australia (CFA) has a great explanation of the pelvic floor, complete with visuals. I highly suggest familiarizing yourself with these muscles. At the very least, visualizing them helped me to understand more about the muscles I was using and which ones I wanted to target with various exercises.
Please check with your doctor before doing these exercises. There are people for whom these will be more harmful than helpful.
Contract, Hold, Relax, Push-Out, Relax
This is one of the most basic pelvic floor exercises (Kegels with a twist!).
Most Kegel-type exercises only focus on the contract, hold, release aspect. However, this ignores a lot of what our muscles need to do. For example, I’ve been doing Kegels at least once a week (usually more) for close to two decades. My pelvic floor was still shit because it would get too tight and too tense. You can overwork these muscles – and I was doing just that.
What you want to do with this – after learning more about the pelvic floor and how it works for your genitalia – is tighten your pelvic floor. Do not go 0-100, though. Start low and slow – tighten gradually and go maybe to 50% of what you think you’re capable of. Hold that for ten seconds and release, focusing on getting back to your resting level of tension. Then, push out with those same muscles. Again, go low and slow.
Squats
You can do these on your own, against a wall, or using a leg press. The leg press method might be best for those with mobility issues in their lower body. However, if using this method like I do, there are a number of things you have to keep in mind.
Keep the weight low and your repetitions steady. What you should aim for is a low weight you can press 8-10 reps easily 1-2 times. Using a high weight or trying to do too many repetitions can lead to problems for your pelvic floor, knees, hips, and back.
Regardless of method, you want to contract your pelvic floor during this exercise, but not at 100%. Always aim for a lower intensity with your contractions. You should never extend your knees to the point where they go past your feet.
Bridge
The bridge exercise is one of those mainstays in the exercise world. It’s used in yoga, pilates, and more. It’s a versatile one because it helps us to strengthen our core as well as our back and hips. Wikihow has a great run-down of how to do this.
One of the biggest benefits to this is that you can target different muscles depending on what your goal is. Want to focus on your abdomen? Tighten that as you lift your body. Glutes? Tighten those! The possibilities aren’t endless, but there are a plethora.
I’ve been doing bridges on and off since I was 12. It was one of the very first yoga-type exercises I learned (thanks, Seventeen!) and it’s very helpful. During the time I was in pelvic floor therapy and other physical therapy, this was one of the go-to exercises for both my pelvic floor and my back.
When focusing on your pelvic floor, you want to contract with your stomach as you lift your torso off the floor. Don’t go to 100% here – just focus on tightening a bit to where you’re not uncomfortable.
Core Exercises
Your core helps support your entire body. Strengthening this area can help to alleviate pressure and stress on both your pelvic floor and back. You can have a strong core without having six-pack abs, so don’t feel that you need to subscribe to unrealistic body image ideals.
CFA once again has a great resource for this (PDF). The important thing is to aim for exercises that will strengthen your core without overtaxing your pelvic floor muscles. Things like crunches and sit-ups? Those are things to avoid because what do we do? Clench more muscles than we need to. This can cause or increase problems with our pelvic floor.
Instead, stick to exercises such as wall push-ups, doing the bridge with an exercise ball, modified planks, etc.
Some Notes
The pelvic floor is a complicated thing. It’s a set of three muscle layers that move in ways no other muscles in your body do. These muscles help you in the bathroom, the bedroom, and all throughout the day.
Ignoring them is like always skipping leg day at the gym. You just shouldn’t do it, regardless of your gender or genitals. Being mindful of how you hold tension is very important to ensure your body isn’t harming itself with that tension.
You can snag some lacrosse balls or spiky balls to use on tense muscles in your hip and butt like the piriformis. There are a few other good things you can snag to help with tension in these muscles – I’ve got my favs over on Amazon.
There are some great pelvic floor exercisers out there, too! Take a look at these offerings from Vibrant, Peepshow Toys, and SheVibe.
When in doubt, I’d suggest talking with a pelvic floor therapist for more pointed tips. You can also download CFA’s Pelvic Floor First app for more ideas. I highly suggest browsing their site, too, as it has some great information.